The World Cup

And so it begins. 4 long years later, the world cup is here again. The joy I feel today is overwhelming. Its like seeing your favourite girlfriend for the first time after 4 long gruelling years. Today the wait of those many years will end as South Africa kick-off against Mexico. AH! What orgasmic pleasure it shall be. One month of football everytime you switch on the TV. This must be what heaven is made of, except in heaven it wouldn’t end in 30 days.

Brazil yet again start as favourites in India, and practically everywhere in the universe, including Pluto, Neptune and the far off galaxy of brazil supporting stars. Its a tradition, ever since Brazil won the world cup more times than others, to support them. There is something about the Indian Supporter that leaves me very worried. They have this inborn tendency to always support the winning team. Ask any football fan which football club they support and you will get either Manchester united or Chelsea, depending on who has won the league that year. Since Brazil has won the world cup 5 times it makes Indians want to support them like a tight bra supports a saggy pair of breasts.

As for me, I will be supporting, Spain, because they won Euro 2008.

But I am happy that India is not taking part in the World Cup. For one thing we would lose so humiliatingly that I might have to consider adopting dutch citizenship and for another, it would be very sad to see Indian Supporters at the world cup, chanting ‘Sachin Sachin!’ in the match, just out of sheer habit, or throwing bottles and setting fire to the stadium just because we happen to be losing 50-0, or worse still, they start supporting Brazil in the middle of our match.

The next 30 days are going to be very tough for me. I will have to perform complex tasks such as opening the door while under influence of 52 bottles of beer, keeping the fridge stocked, not vegetating on the sofa, while watching matches continuously, back to back.

My mother says she wants to watch her favourite soap opera, I said, it would be as possible as Manmohan Singh winning the gold medal at the 100 meter dash at the NEXT Olympics. She said she wouldn’t mind catching the re-run which came in the morning. I said I would mind. You see what she doesn’t understand is that although the matches start in the afternoon/evening, the world cup isn’t all about the matches. Its also about the pre-match analysis, half-time analysis and post-match analysis. It is also about seeing the highlights of the games you have already seen and see the news coverage of certain matches on India TV(“KYUN MILLI RONALDO KO RED CARD?” “MESSI KI JADOO KI JHAPPI!” “KYA GERMANY KE TEAM KO 2 SAR WALA CHUHA KHA LIYA HAI?”) In short the TV is mine for the next 30 days, and if it is on(which it will be all the time) then it will always be about the football.

Speaking of which every 4 years I take out a loan. I take a loan because every 4 years the world cup comes around and there are a lot of expenses that I have to take care off. I have to buy a new TV for better picture quality, a soft sofa for a softer rear experience, food and beer, enough to last me a lifetime in an igloo and/or my house while the world cup is on. After the presentation ceremony of the final day and after seeing the post match analysis, and news coverage, I start thinking about how to repay the loan. I usually do this by selling of the TV and sofa.

During the world cup I have to make a lot of tough decisions. There are a lot of important things that suddenly and unexpectedly crop up while am watching a crucial match, for example feeling like peeing. If ever I am faced with the situation where Brazil and Portugal have entered into a penalty shootout and I have to pee so badly that it hurts, then I know what am going to do. Am going to see the shootout and clean the floor after the post match analysis and news coverage. Also I will choose football over most things in life, like running if my building catches fire and running if we are hit by an earthquake. I will make an exception for breathing.

But if you see me walking around like a zombie, with bloodshot eyes, incoherent with the lack of sleep, eyes bulging, red, my number increased because of excessive TV viewing and my voice inaudible above a whisper, because it died while screaming my lungs out, then you will know that inside that harsh beaten body, lies a soul which is happier than it has ever been.

P.S. I wont be taking any calls during the world cup. Leave me a message if you want to contact me. I’ll call you back after the post match analysis and the news coverage, if the next match hasn’t started already. Ciao and A Happy World Cup to all of You!

By Editor Man