The new year has arrived. Call me a pessimist but I have a feeling it’s going to be the same as last year. Full of scams, bad films and broken New Year resolutions.
Every 31st night, with the dawn of a new year around the corner, people universally begin to see themselves in true light. They realise mistakes made throughout the year and notice their shortcomings when it finally hits them that they’ve seen all 5 Akshay Kumar films this year(and most of MasterChef too).
No but seriously, every year end people introspect and begin to see the sea slugs that they really are. The new year offers them a new beginning to change or improve or to generally just avoid habits that end in “ ..is sentenced to 25 years of hard labour”.
That's why most resolutions are a killjoy. New Year Resolutions are defined as, “short, sharp statements which bind one to stop a pleasant activity or to start an unpleasant one.
Example: Stop eating blueberry cheesecakes.
Start studying.”
All New Year Resolutions come with an expiry date. They last for an astounding time span, a grand total of 24 hours. In a lot of ways resolutions are like bollywood actresses, you don’t remember them when they get old after which they perform only on 31st night. And the main reason resolutions are like all news bulletins on India TV: forever breaking, is that they’re very unrealistic. Because let’s face it, your waist isn’t going from a Jayalalitha to a Kareena Kapoor in one year.
New year’s resolutions are rather obvious too. If you weigh 117 kg, your resolution would be to lose weight, if you smoke so much that scientists agree that the depletion of the ozone layer is your fault, then your resolution would be to quit and if your name is Rajnikanth then you wouldn’t have resolutions. Resolutions would have you.
Resolutions are hard things to stick to. They have the non-stickiness of a non-sticky frying pan. It’s always the same story, every New Year. You start the year, with that wonderful feeling that distinguishes a New Year day from other days, that’s right, the feeling of a massive throbbing hangover. When you eventually regain your ability to carry out basic bodily functions, you decide to stick to your resolution of not having more alcohol than the amount of weight you had resolved to lose last year(17,000 tonnes).
You write it down in a spanking new diary, because no new year is complete without scribbling something in a fresh diary which you will feel too lazy to write in, come January the third. However it’s all downhill from there. The resolutions you make are hard to stick to because you can’t be firm on yourself, you begin to expect things to change instantaneously or you generally don’t like the idea of not drinking.
That's how it’s been for me all along. In fact I have a backlog of pending Resolutions that would make the babu’s at the lower parel post office, look pretty darn productive in comparison. That's why this year I decided to make resolutions that I knew I would fulfil. My New Year resolutions for 2011 are:
1. Start ogling at the entire Victoria’s Secret Winter Collection Catalogue.
2. Stop my girlfriend from finding out about it.
3. Change my name to Rajnikanth.
