The Hot Strip.......by Tanzania!

Hot-O-Biography of a Snail.

Hi, my name is Sshnshsh, thats a snail name meaning, “faster than dominoes-30 minutes nahi toh free”. Am sorry my article is about things that happened 10 days ago, but you see it took me 5 days to get to my computer and 5 days to type this out (you would be that slow too, if you had antennae for eyes, carried your home on your back and had a name like sshnshsh). Anyway this is what I did on 15^th January, 2010. I climbed a wall. I mean half a wall. Alright just 15 centimeters of it. Hope you enjoyed reading about my life, anyway stay tuned to my next post!

P.S.- Note from Editor- Mr. And/or Male Snail Sshnshsh’s next article will be appearing on 17 November, 2014. If at all.

How to detect Boredom?

Today we'll take a look at signs that tell you people have nothing purposeful to do in life. Im going through that kind of a phase and hence ive taken to observing other people in this phase. I guess that counts as one of the first signs.

Anyway to confirm whether you are indeed exertionally challenged both mentally and physically just go through the checklist.

Firstly you must be doing nothing for a large part(anything greater than 23 hours) of the day. There is a subtle difference between having work and not doing it and not having work at all. The former gets you fired. So, before everything else confirm that you have no work pending. Easiest way to do this is to do nothing and wait for people to frantically call you or yell at you. If that doesnt happen, you didn't have any pending work, not important work at any rate.

Secondly eating / shitting should form the most looked forward to part of your day / your most

hectic activity.

Thirdly, you sleep at least 12 hours at nights and possibly sneak in another 2‐3 in the afternoons (and still feel like you haven't slept enough).

Fourthly, you check your mail every 3 hours and your facebook is on during all waking hours.

Fifthly, you play snake for hours on end and (here's the jobless part) you save your scores in a note on your cell (I do this so don't laugh. I have already saved 318 scores. I average more than a thousand. Thank You).

Sixthly, you read this whole article.

By- Mr. Fly

The Hot Strip ........ By Tanzania THS™

Hotverbs- Proverbs with a dash of Spark!

1. Prevention is better than abortion.

2. Insurance is the best policy.

3. Out of sight, on Facebook.

4. Too many cooks start a restaurant.

5. Two's a company, three is a merger.

6. An apple a day and you will have too many I-pods and/or I-phones.

7. Curiosity killed the News Reporter.

By Editor Man

Why I Remain Offline or Invisible

People have often asked me why I come online on Facebook or Gmail but yet remain offline or invisible in the chat window. So now I will tell you the real reason. The answer is that I choose to remain invisible or offline so I can avoid the retards in my friendlist.

Dont you just hate those jobless idiots who are 24x7 on Facebook and Gmail, with their chat windows open just waiting for people to come online so that they can start bugging them about their jobless lifes? It is these people that I try and avoid.

I mean I would love to talk to anybody if they had some interesting conversation or had some brains or if they were a smoking hot babe. Then I really wouldn’t mind typing in letters into a small window while straining my eyes looking at the screen and waiting for their abbreviated replies. But alas the people in my friendlist have sad lives, have an IQ Level which is slightly lower than that of KoKo the silver back gorilla and the hot babes on my friendlist avoid me like the AIDS virus.

In short I have no reason to EVER come online or become visible on chat. On the few occasions that I have made the mistake and not stuck to my rule, I have been met with disaster which has only reinforced my belief that all people I know are F*cked in the head.

I just don’t understand what the bloody hell is the point of asking “Wassup?” When you bloody well know that the only freaking answer you are gonna get for asking that stupid ass question is “Nothing Much”. For once I am gonna answer that question properly.

Jobless Idiot: hey, Wassup?

Me: oh, am glad you asked, asshole. Firstly my back is hurting sitting in this uncomfortable chair. The glare from the computer screen is also hurting my eyes. My mind is slowly crumbling to ashes because of the intense heat of your radiating stupidness. Polar Bears are facing extinction and there are only 1411 tigers left. Mumbai Indians won yesterday. Sachin is God and I love my India. Wassup with you?

Jobless idiot: Nothing much.

The other thing I just cant tolerate is just how fake people get when you are chatting with them online. It is just so ridiculous, because you cant see or hear the person you have to believe every little lie he or she types out. And the biggest lie among them is LOL. And ROFL. For one thing you will NEVER EVER roll on the goddam floor laughing, no matter how funny my joke is. Do you roll on the floor laughing when I cracked the same goddamn joke in toilet and on the muddy football field? NO! So if you never do that when I crack a joke in real life. Then why lie about it online. How does that joke become SOOO funny online?

Me: and the prof said, “class please shit down”

Jobless idiot: AHAHAHAHA!!!!! ROFL!!! LOL!! ROFLMAO! LMAO! HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: piss off dude. You sneaky lying two faced son-of-a-bitch. I bet youre just staring at your bloody screen like a dead freaking fish.

Oh yeah about interesting conversation. Somehow that just doesn’t happen. If you are sitting online to tell the world about your experiences of having flown a fighter plane in world war 2 or how it feels to hunt a bear or skydive, then your presence online is totally justified. But most of the time its just the jobless idiots who are sitting all day to catch someone, whom they can share their stupid life’s stupid moments with!

Jobless idiot: Hey guess what I did!!!?

Me: you went bull-fighting in Spain?

Jobless Idiot: no guess again...

Me: you saved a little child from getting run over by a truck?

Jobless idiot: no silly, I tried a new flavour of cornflakes today! FRUIT n NUT! It was sooo TASTY!

Me: ok I gotta go now.

You see the cyber world is too full of idiots for me to set foot in there. I am very content staying out of that mental institution. But then I always have people telling me this sad story, “What if everybody behaved like you and chose to remain offline or invisible! Then how would we even communicate? There would just be no contact!”

Well I guess thats why they have something called a phone, which is a device where you can have a REAL conversation unlike the fake bullshit, stupidity and boring shit that you have online.

By The Matador

LOVE IN THE TIME OF MALARIA

Namaskar Pahuna!!!!

I have come back just for you... to answer your lauw ke baare mein kwesions...

accha... here are some of the problems that you all have got into... and my solutions for them... i swear i should be writing for Times or something... but that bitch Bacchi... she stole my job by sleeping with the editor (hermaphrodite... she only is the editor!!!!) ... waise... anyways... i would never leave THE HOT SPARK for anything...

so anyways... here are the picks of today:

1) L.M.!!! I live in USA (Ulhasnagar) and i am the hotest guy there. Everyone wants to feel and grab me and i always satisfy them... but i want to know if this will be harmful for my health?

ANS: hey mister usa... i have said this before too.... lauw choone se nahi phailti... so dont worry... but just in case you are still worried about contracting swine flu or bird flu or herpes, then just hang a sign down there saying "Pakadna mana hai! Trespassers will be prostituted!".... then you will only get the best ones to grab you....

2) Maushi!!!! Help me!!! I have fallen for my hot neighbour who thinks she is a dog... you know... the bitchy types (pun intended)... but she gives my dog more bhow, then she gives me!!! what do i do???

ANS: he mr. I-fell-for-a-bitch.... why dont you try scratching her behind the ear... or taking her out for some nice doggy biscuits... am sure she will also love going for long walks with you, especially if you put her on a leash and let her piss on the wheels of stationary cars! that will be nice for her na?... then she might just like you... if not... then be contented with her being your Bhabhi... and be happy for your dog, Tommy or Moti or Jackie or Bruno... (whatever his name is)....

3)Maushi... its me again... i had asked a question last week, but i was tooo confused.... so let me clarify again.... ok... there is this girl whom i like... and she likes this one guy... who is going out with this one girl... who is like a sister to me... at least i consider her as a sister... god knows if she feels the same way about me... and i heard from someone that she has feelings for me... but he likes her and she likes him and i like her and.... i cant use names or it would get tooo obvious... help me na... i really like this girl, and she likes this guy and he likes a girl who likes me and i dont know what to do about her... i mean.... we used to play in senior kg together and so we grew up together and her mom also knows me very well and so i always come over for dinner.... her mom makes to most awesome butter ckicken... but i became a vegetarian last year... so now she makes baingan for me... but i prefer eating bhendi.... and cherries!!!

ok... sorry... i forgot the question again.... brb!

WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!! god... you talk more than a girl does.... just ask your question straight straight and let me answer it.... as for the rest of you... exams are coming up na??? so go and study... but still... if you have any lauw ke baare mein kwesions... then dont hesitate to give me a buzz....

till my next post,

Lauw thy neighbour and his wife!!!

by, Lauwandkar Maushi

The Hot Strip by Tanzania!

Lawyer Lingo

Lawyers are funny people. In fact they are like spiders that build webs of intricately worded notices with long sentences, loads of commas, big words and blinding technical jargon, to say something as simple as, “A lawyers notice is bullshit, that we cant understand.”

Here is the difference between lawyers and normal human beings .

LAWYERS:

“No motor vehicles should be stationary or in semi-stationary position in the court compound and immediately outside its(refer above) gates, except vehickes of gazetted officersof this court and members of the Mumbai advocates association, who have obtained permits from the registrar.

Persons contravening the rules will be liable for prosecution.”

NORMAL HUMAN BEING:

“No Parking in front of gate.”

Observed by Editor Man.

Exams-The REAL Fountain Of Eternal Youth

Exams are better than any wrinkle-lift cream, any jadi-buti from some fraudulent baba, any exotic age reducing herb, cosmetic or any other surgery and any miracle of science at keep you young forever!

Bullshit, i hear you say? You say it adds to dark circles, wrinkles and premature death due to heart failure and other age inducing symptoms which are born out of the pressure of passing exams.

Yes, Exams work both ways, if you try to pass them you will be eligible for voluntary retirement by the time you pass tenth standard. if on the other hand you choose to fail every goddam exam you take then it becomes the worlds best and easiest way to keep age at bay!

Think of it, if you repeatedly fail your eight standard exams, in one way you will never EVER age unless they purposely pass you because the teachers are tired of seeing your youthful smiling face year after year!

Technically, if you fail your Exams every year you can be a schoolboy all your life! Imagine that! Every year you will see your countless batchmates coming back to the school alumni reunion and regret the fact they grew up and left school to face the big bad world and you will be gloating over how much you are enjoying your youthful carefree and exuberrant schoollife!

While all your friends are worried about the recession, finding a job, getting married and owning a house all you will ever be worried about is how to make your beloved Green house win the sports trophy this year.

and not to mention when you get married if you ever do, then this is somehting that will most likely happen

Friends and Strangers: so Lata, how old is your husband?

Lata: uhhh he is currently in school finishing his eighth standard...

Friends and Strangers: well look at that! lata you are so lucky to have such a YOUTHFUL husband!



So you see Exams are actually the one fool-proof and the only REAL Fountain of Eternal Youth ever made!


I can see you Ladies and Gentleman who are in search of that everlasting youthfulness are already throwing those silly creams and jadi-butiis away alongwith your books! Best of Luck and Stay Young Forever!

The Hot Strip ........ By Tanzania THS™

Hotverbs- Proverbs with a dash of Spark!

1.Where there is a will there is a Lawyer.

2. A man is judged by the company that hires him

3. Empty Vessels make no food.

4. Charity begins at an NGO.

5. An idle brain is plain dumb.

6. A friend in need is a debtor.

7. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man socially and sexually deprived.

By Editor Man

Histo-Spark with Pankaj K. Gotte

Hello everyone. I am back. I hope that you have re-thought the crap that you were taught in school, cause I am here with another confused soul.

Ok... take the Taj Mahal....Did you ever wonder what sort of man would build a huge white grave for his wife? Seriously, think about it guys. Which man is ever going to part with that much money to give his wife anything... especially once she's dead... I mean... he's gonna think "good riddance" rather than... "oh... lets build her a huge white grave that will take like a zillion years to build and spend like a zillion bucks on it so that in five hundered years, people can come to look at her decomposed body and think ohhhh how romantic!!!"...

Nope... a man will never do anything that AWESOME for his wife for anything... except one thing...

GUILT!!!!

if a man is guilty, he will do anything to atone his sins... and that is exactly what Shah Jahan did...

Lets start right at the beginning. You see in those days it was rather tough being a woman. It wasnt enough for them that they were covered up at all times AND were living behind screens so that they could never see anything properly... they could not even be in contact with other men... and that is exactly what happened to Mrs. Mumtaj Mughal...

In those days, the women had to be guarded ONLY by eunuchs(that is people of neutral gender, who were actually men with their manhood cut off)... and no man could look at women... only neutered men could.... cause they thought that a neutered man was no longer a man... (oh and btw... even a ball-less man had a higher status than women... )

So anyways... now this woman Mrs. Mughal... she became really attached to one of these Third Gender bodyguards and she started hanging out with him/her more than she did with the king... and the king.. of course.. he managed to get it into his head that his wife was having an affair with this poor old neutral gender (imagine that!!! and he starts to believe that the eunuch is really a man, with tiny doodleberries that shouldn't really count) ...so this is like a MAJOR blow to his over-inflated ego... he then knows why Mrs. Mughal spends sooo much time with him... he at least has some tiny "things" that the king cant offer her (Shahjahan had a erectile dysfunction).... so he thinks to himself... "how do i get revenge???".... and so the stupid emperor decides that since he has three other wives, he might as well get rid of one... so one night, he poisons the food that his wife was eating... (so dramatically bollywood isn’t it??)

So the wife chokes and croaks... and he feels a little better, but the penis of the problem was not rooted out yet... he sent his guards to capture the fucker and root out his penis (literally) and then kill him... but as it turned out... the poor guy HAD lost his doodleberries a long time ago...

The king feels soooo guilty that he decides to leave his kingdom to rot and only wants to atone his sins. Somewhere along the way he gets it into his head that building a gigantic, expensive tomb, at agra would help him overcome his grief(A bottle of Rum would have helped more, but to each his own). And so he builds a grave for her that no one can surpass and that is white in colour like the character of his wife....

Now a story of love, sex and dhoka (not the movie!!) is not a very romantic one... so next time you think Taj Mahal and you think "oh how romantic", think again... you are really just thinking of a grave with a decomposed body of a murdered woman...

By, Pankaj K. Gotte

The Hot Strip ........ By Tanzania THS™

5 Things to say to Osama Bin Laden

Presenting "The 5 Things to say" series... where The Hot Spark tells you 5 Things that we would like to say to people!

so the 5 things to say to Osama Bin Laden are:-

1.Hey Osama, i heard your wife's a 'Bomb'.

2.We always knew you had 'explosive' talent.

3.You take being BOMBastic to totally new levels.

4.You havent evolved have you? i mean you're hairy and live in a cave.

5.We all know whats your occupation. youre the guy who does the Blow Job!

By Editor Man

News and Olds with Rajcheap Sardesai.

Hello, welcome to theNews and Olds and you are with me Rajcheap Sardesai. The News and Olds for the day are :

1. The Best excuse for performing badly in your exams has arrived. Yes, IPL 3 started this week.

2. Allegedly Sourav Ganguly likes birds. That is why he got himself another duck

3.

2 extortionists arrested from byculla zoo. They mistook the chimpanzee for one their victims.

4.

Studies have shown that men look at a woman’s breasts before they look at her face. Because they would rather see the beauty than the beast!

5.

Cops send out do’s and don’t’s to schools. Among the do’s – do your homework. Do your assignments and do as your teacher says. Among the dont’s were- don’t confuse your bell with a fire alarm. Dont think that your teacher is a terrorist because she bombs you with Homework. And don’t open unattended tiffin boxes!

6.

Himesh Reshamiya will not be able to sing for a few weeks because he has broken his nose.

7.

IIT’s and IIM’s are now going to teach students in ethopia via the internet. Here are some of the major challenges that they face:

a. Students have to battle disease

b. Lack of food.

c. Lack of computer

d. Lack of internet.

This is the news for today, till next time wait for a new tomorrow!

The Hot Strip ........ By Tanzania THS™

LOVE IN THE TIME OF MALARIA

Namaskaar!!!

Mi parat ale... tumchya prashnanche uttara dyayla....

Ok... first of all... thank you so much for asking so many questions to me about lauw... i feel very flat... err... i mean flattered...

now the three questions that i am featuring this week are my favorites out of the load of questions that i got in the past few days...

1) Lauwandkar Maushi, i have a problem!! my boyfriend always wants me to exchange panties with him!! he says that by doing so, our love will grow. WHat should I do???

ANS: Dear... are you dating Editor Man by any chance???? because I know for a fact that he wears womens underwear frequently... but if not... its ok... well... about your little problem, I think that if your boyfriend likes it, then you might as well exchange panties with him... but make sure you give him your loose old panties so that he has enough space for his luggage... and also make sure that you educate him about the 'Lauw' disease as well... after all... lauw choone se nahi phainlti... *wink, Wink*

2) Maushi... my boyfriend lives in Cochin and I live in Kabul... We have are having a hard time since we are so far apart... and he never comes to meet me... what should we do???

ANS: YOU LIVE IN KABUL!!!! wow... I cant blame him for not wanting to come to meet you.... he is really brave for going out with you in the first place... but just watch out and remember only to make love not war.... anyways... about your problem... if your phones are not tapped, then you can have phone sex... though i think it is even more enjoyable when there is someone listening in on it *wink, Wink* ...

of course... it might be last thing you do since youll get shot after that....

but if you are worried about high phone bills... or crazy bearded men with guns... then you can always have chat sex... that is the good thing about technology.... you can always switch on your webcam and do a virtual striptease... but then again... d ont know if that is enough to excite your boyfreind.... but maybe if he is extra horny or something, he might just be able to jack off on your face... ahem... i mean with the sight of your face....

3) Hey L.M.... i need some help... there is this weird love quadrangle thing going on in my life. I like this girl... but she likes some guy who likes a girl who likes me... wait, i will be more specific... A likes B who likes C who likes A.... No... wait... I'll say it in a better way... There is this girl that I like... and I thought that she likes me too, but it turns out that she likes this one guy, who is going out with this other girl who was like a sister to me, but it turns out that she likes me and he likes her and she likes him and I like her............ wait... i forgot the question.... sorry....

ok... to you confused person... i will answer your question on lauw if you ask it properly... if not... then forget tit.... i mean "Forget it"....

Chala... mi challe ata... if you have any questions then just slap me with a comment....

Till my next post,

Love thy neighbour and his wife...

By, Lauwandkar Maushi

The Hot Strip ........ By Tanzania THS™

The Problem with Great Ideas

The Problem with Great Ideas.

The problem with great ideas is, that they come at a time when its impossible to write them down.
I, for instance, get my greatest ideas while having bath and I can never seem to find a peice of paper or a pen in the bathroom. so i just keep mumbling the idea to myself while i scrub, soap and shampoo myself, in the vain hope that i might retain some information till the bath be done. and then just when am minutes from bursting out from the loo and scribbling furiously on a peice of paper the most disasterous thing happens. while am towelling my hair, the idea slips past the doors of my mind and is lost forever. this always happens.


the other place i get great ideas is while am on the pot, cleaning the intestines off last nights dinner. this i must say, is a considerably more tricky situation because, try as you might, you just cant go leaping and bounding out of the bathroom screaming, "EUREKA, EUREKA!" if you have shit wedged in your ass. its is an awful situation, where you are under both, physical and mental pressure. and by the time i have washed up, i have also washed my hands off that marvelous idea.

And there are worse times to get great ideas as well. for instance while having sex. that is even more tricky than any other situation. there you are, grunting, panting and thrusting away, having, more or less the time of your life, when suddenly, your mind plays a cruel joke on you and gives the most peach of all ideas. now you're in dilemma. now you're in Catch-22. on one hand you dont want to let go off that one in a million idea and on the other hand you need to finish what you started. your in throes of passion, and here comes the great idea. you decide that you have to do first things first and then once you have satisfied yourself, you will peacefully write down the precious thought. besides if you suddenly pull out, you will have a lot of explaining to do, and she wont appreciate one bit that having sex with her makes you think of the laws of gravity.

so you begin hurrying the process up. you finish up but then your mind goes blank. the idea has gone. your dearly, precious, beautiful, ethereal, wonderful and breath-taking idea is lost. your baby is gone. all you are left with is an unsatisfied woman and your own misery.

that is the problem with great ideas.

By Editor Man