The office is a strange place and I’m not even talking about the uneven cooling that makes where I sit, ideal for breeding penguins. In the one month that I have spent in a corporate environment, I have realised that every individual is not unique. Or to put it another way, when you’re in office you fall into 9 easily identifiable categories. Yes, that is why the HR department made you fill out that form.
Presenting the 9 types of co-workers:
1. The One on the phone: This person will sit at her desk with the office phone to her ear talking to all the people who live in places where it’s too expensive to call from home. Seeing her, makes you wonder how she doesn’t run out of things to say. It also makes your social life look sickly when you realise that the only call you’ve received in the last 4 days was a missed call from a wrong number.
2. The One who Surfs the net: This person makes full use of the office’s high speed internet to look up lots of important work related videos such as, “Animals Singing Christmas Carols.” If ever you see him staring transfixed at the screen for more than 15 minutes and then quickly reach for the mouse when someone approaches be rest assured that he is not working on that presentation due at the end of the week. You will also find it strange that although he will be at his PC all day he never seems to see any of your e-mails until you bring them up.
3. The Flirt: If you don’t find the flirt at his desk, which you never will, then immediately start checking the desks of every single person in the office. And by single, I mean not seeing anyone romantically. The Flirt can be identified with his ability to make up random excuses to go and talk to people, (“Hey do you have a pen?”, “Do you think Antelopes make for good house pets?” and “Did you know tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterward?”)
4. Mr. Do-Not-Distrub: These are the 3 people because of which the entire company is running. They are the hardcore workaholics who sit hunched over their desk with a look that makes you think that they might just burn a hole through their work if they glared at it long enough. Their focus on the job is so extreme that they make Zen masters look like 20 year olds in a night club. Cautionary advice: If you disturb them while they’re working they will explode in your face.
5. The Creative One: This breed of office workers is very easy to identify (Clue: They usually wear Cowboy hats to work.) You’ll see them sitting with their feet on their desk with their music on, dressing up Barbie dolls because that’s what helps them make that all important presentation to the client on whom the company’s future depends. They will also be the ones who will vehemently oppose anything logical because after all art is stifled when sense prevails.
6. The Busy One: If ever you’re sitting at your desk and you hear a slight whooshing sound but when you look up there’s nobody, don’t panic because the busy one just passed by you. The busy one is that one person in office who is always on her feet hopping about like a caffeinated sparrow. You will never know what work the busy one is busy with but just looking at her doing so much rushing about will make the 15 reports that you have to write feel as easy as adding single digit numbers WITH a calculator.
7. The Messy One: The place where the messy one sits is usually classified as a grade three dumping ground by most municipal bodies. His desk is always surrounded by a mound of trash the dimensions of the Great Wall of China. The messy one hasn’t ever tidied up his desk so basically if he has to find anything on it, a specially trained archaeology team has to be called in to dig it up. The computer keyboard of the messy one invariably forms a record of all the things that he has ever eaten. It’s covered with oily imprints (parathas), brown stains (coffee) and feathers (don’t ask).
8. The It’s-5-o-clock-let’s-go Guy: When the clock strikes 5, nothing and by nothing I mean not even a herd of wild Mayawati’s can stop this man from leaving the building. He comes in at 8 in the morning and puts in an honest day’s work but the moment the clock hands change from their 4:59 position, he is, to use Ravi Shastri’s words, off like a tracer bullet. No matter how important the work left for tomorrow is and no matter who it’s for, if the clock has reached the magic mark, then the it’s 5-o-clock-let’s-go guy considers it as significant as an actress in a Salman Khan movie.
9. The Prankster: In every office there’s one person who’s day is made if someone sits on a pin that’s been strategically placed on his seat. Or if someone finds a dead animal in their soup at the office party. Or if someone’s Facebook status is changed to, “I love my boss. I want to marry him NOW!” while they had left their computer unattended. The Prankster is basically that guy who forgot to grow up after 4th standard. The prankster is the one who everyone involuntarily looks at when anything goes wrong, even though it may not be his fault for example, if the building catches fire.
