India Has Agriculture But Still Can't Field.

Somehow the Indian Cricket Team and Good Fielding do not fit in the same sentence. Except probably that one.

The Indian Cricket Team has never ever been known as a good fielding unit. That's because when it comes to fielding they are like pigeons, not the most agile and with a lot of droppings.

The importance of fielding probably came to light when cricket turned toward the one day format. The reduced time implied reduced runs and we all know what that meant, thats right: Unhappy batsmen. No seriously, it meant better fielding. Never before had fielding looked so exciting as in the 1992 world cup when jonty Rhodes scampered across from point and flew through the air and ran out Inzamam Ul Haq. That's not saying much because EVERYBODY ran out Inzamam ul haq. However that one moment in cricketing history will forever be remembered for the agility and presence of mind shown by Jonty and the brilliant imitation of a running sack of potatoes by Haq.

In more recent days, the difference between excellent sides(Australia) and very good ones(India, Pakistan and My Gulli Cricket Team) has come to be fielding. At the end of the day or 5 days or 3 hours, fielding saves runs, puts pressure on the batting side and is the only way bowlers get away with bad deliveries.

Seeing the Indian cricket team in the field gets really embarrassing at times. Our fielders often drop the simplest of catches, fumble with the ball for long stretches of time(48 hours) before throwing it back.  And we aren’t very good at throwing either. We have poor throwing actions, weak arms and the accuracy of a weather report.

That's why Indian cricketers use a very primitive technique to get opposition players run out. Its called Miscommunication. They simply wait until the opposition has this sort of conversation.

Batsman: RUN!

Non-Striker: OK!

(goes half-way down the pitch and for some reason cant make it back in the 48 hours it takes the Indian fielders to run him out)

Non-striker: Why the hell did you say run?

Batsman: I didn’t say run. I said Ranthambore. You must have misheard me.

Arguably one of the best fielders to emerge from India in recent times has been you guessed it: Ramesh Powar.  No seriously, it’s Yuvraj Singh. But even he’s not in shape nowadays, unless your idea of fitness involves looking like a hot air balloon. Fitness has been the bane of many an Indian cricketer past and present. Even the best batsman in the world, Sachin Tendulkar looks chubby even after a good day in the gym. And it’s not just the “No-Paunch-bulging-out” fitness that the team lacks in, its also the general fitness that makes for competent athletes that’s missing. That's why Indian fielders dont race after a boundary-headed ball. They waddle behind it like ducks.

And you will never see a really stunning catch coming from the Indian Cricket Team. You’ll rarely see an Indian fielder fly through the air and snatch a streaking ball straight from the sky. By throwing himself at the ball the Indian fielder risks getting his clothes dirty, getting injured or worse, looking really stupid when he misses the ball completely. The only thing he stands to gain is a wicket and a mention in the “(Insert Brand Name Here) moment of day” on the post match show, which nobody watches.

But what defines Indian fielding is the proverbial fumbling. Every match offers the same spectacle. The ball is skimming over a lush turf at a crisp pace, the Indian fielder readies himself to receive it by dipping his fingers in car lubricant. He bends to scoop the ball up but alas it goes through his fingers like a ghost. He then scampers back to retrieve it. He spends half hour in collecting a ball that’s now rather stationary and then somehow manages to throw it a few kilometres wide of the wicketkeeper. India has the rare ability of converting a single into two and very often three runs, now if only they could do this while batting. 

The Hot Strip by Tanzania!

Your Hair is As Good As The Adjectives It Has.

Although the UN haven’t officially made the change yet, am pretty convinced that the three basic necessities for life are: Food, Shelter and Hair Care. And here’s why.

Except for that one time when it was decided that cavewomen would have less facial hair to aid in gender differentiation, never has the hair been discussed more than it is being today. Suddenly, we seem to be living in a world which needs to have every adjective in the English language attached to their hair(Lustrous, Shiny, Bouncy, Noisy, Happy, Inquisitive, Squeaky and Shy)

If you switch on your television right now, you will be assaulted by a large number of TV commercials about Hair Care products(56 million) within the span of a really short time(1/17^th of a second).  The sheer volume of these commercials are enough to convince me that the world economy depends on the state of my hair.

Hair Care basically means, ensuring that your hair does not resemble anything found on Anil Kapoor’s chest. Hair must be well looked after, through the use of several products, adequate diet and occasionally police protection. Good hair is the result of your shampoo mating with your conditioner and hair oil.

Although it sounds really easy when put like that, in reality this business of shampooing is tough. Depending on your hair type and the dermatological problem that you are facing you will have to use a specific shampoo. For example, there’s one shampoo for dry hair only, one for making it smooth and silky. But that wont make your hair long and strong. For that there’s a different shampoo. Thinking logically and like a true gujrati, if you mixed the smooth and silky shampoo and the long and strong shampoo, you would get, you guessed it - Hair Loss. Now you know why the word shampoo has the words 'sham' and 'poo' built into it.

Apparently shampoos take out all the dirt and grime that accumulates in your hair because of the oil you use. And being an Indian I am sure you use it. Hair oil has become a part of India’s heritage and it’s use on the head is our gift to the world. For the longest time people thought that oil was just used to make cars run or to fry omelettes, until India showed the world that oil could be rubbed into your hair as well. It was found that Hair oil was an excellent substance to give your hair the health and nourishment that comes with being sticky enough to accumulate every particle of dust on the way from the grocery store to your house. In addition hair oil smells. I never really bonded with one of my distant aunts because she always had this vile smelling hair oil on and I could never manage to find my gas mask when she visited. 

Without oil, hair shows the classic withdrawal symptoms of the oil addict. It becomes rough, dry and frizzy. That is why it is important to know how to apply it correctly.

Applying oil the right way:

1. Heat oil to a warm temperature before applying. Ensure that the oil is not too hot because that would make it an ancient Chinese torture technique.

2. Make partitions in your hair while oiling. This allows oil to spread into all areas of the scalp and makes you look like a more authentic government official. 

3. Massage gently for 10 to 15 minutes. For best results ensure that the massage does not stray below the head.

4. Leave the oil for atleast 5 to 6 hours. This ensures that you leave oil prints all over the pillows and lets the oil sink into the scalp and disappear into your body.

5. Oil atleast once a week and if your hair is still very dry, try setting it on fire. You’ll be surprised at how well it’ll burn.

Am sure when Historian’s of the future, if they ever get the time from taking care of their hair, ever look back at our era, they will brand this moment in history as the Hair Care Revolution. And the only one's who will be left out of this utopian world of perfect hair will be the bald people. For everyone else, the future looks oily. 

Mankind evolved as a Gift for Women.

Right since the dawn of time a question has fogged the minds of men. A question that has never found an accurate answer, just like some other foggy questions (How did the universe come into existence? Is there life after death? And why is it necessary to wear matching socks?) Countless men have tried and failed, thought and got flummoxed, executed and got much of the same, over the immortal question, “What gift should I get my girl?”

Before trying to answer this question, let’s look at the history of the Gift. The gift giving tradition has been traced back to primitive ages where females used this technique to ascertain which male they would mate with, depending on the quality of his gift. Hence the strong, beefy cave-men, who brought back pendants made out of mammoth hair and tyrannosaurus tooth, stood more of a chance with the ladies than the scrawny chaps who thought a cave painting would make for a good gift. In fact, fire was invented as a birthday gift and the wheel so that a man could cart a dead brontosaurus to his woman on their 1^st anniversary.

Unfortunately this unjust tradition has lingered on and millions of men still continue to get yelled at, dumped or are refused sex for years at end, for coming short in the gifts department. Woman swoon over men who have good gift giving capacity. It’s for this same reason that talented men are called gifted and why one of the euphemisms for the penis is ‘package.’ 

That’s why there’s two kind of gifts. There’s the Surprise Gift and the Occasion Gift. The Surprise Gift is a gift you give a girl, when you just start going out, have had a fight or are having an affair and are feeling guilty about it. These gifts are small, inexpensive articles that would not have existed were it not for girls. Think small, cute, soft toy, here.

However the Occasion Gifts are a totally different animal to trap. These are the gifts that require all your skill, concentration and your lucky blue underpants. Occasion Gifts derive their name from the fact that they are presented only on the days which can never remember. The Occasion Gift is defined by the following criteria:

1.  1. It must be expensive. Because the truth is, your love IS as big as your bill.

2.   2. It must hold emotional value. This means it must be thoughtful, cheesy and     anything that makes her go, “awww...”

3.   3.  It must be refundable. For obvious reasons.

Think impossible here.

Research tells us that the difficulty of finding a gift for a woman is a bell shaped curved. It is easy to give a gift to a very young girl and a very old one. Very young girls,(those below 3 weeks old, because girls mature faster) will be happy with a Barbie doll and very old ones(those who took part in the revolt of 1857 and older) usually appreciate getting a dialysis machine. Its the middle ones who pose the problem.

Although, The Female Mind, is a complex system which is wired with the sole intention of being indecipherable to men, contemporary research has shown that women actually drop more hints about what they want than a young, limping antelope holding a placard that says, “EAT ME.” does about being eaten. Unfortunately to understand these hints requires a mysterious skill that men just don’t possess; that of listening. 

Woman: I want to go dancing. I really want to do it badly. I wonder if someone will take me to that new disco on our anniversary.

What the man hears: blah, blah, blah. I really want to do it badly. Blah, blah, blah.  “Darling this is no time to get frisky. Am still thinking of your gift, you know.”

I hope this comprehensive study helped some clueless men out there. In case it didn’t, at least you learnt to make sure that your gift isn’t like the time you spent reading this article: Non-refundable.

  

The Hot Strip by Tanzania!

A celebration of innocence and other young critters.

Children’s day just went by. It was a Sunday, so the kids were spared the torture of listening to their principal using words they didn’t understand about a day that was supposed to be about them. So yes, it had a happy ending.

However this joyous celebration of innocence raised some pertinent questions on childhood, children and the mating habits of pigeons.

Q. What is Children’s Day?

A. The answer is embedded in the question.

Q. Why is Children’s day celebrated on Pandit Nehru’s birthday i.e. The 14^th of November?

A. According to legend, Children’s Day is celebrated in India because the first prime minister of the country Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru wanted to capture the youth votebank. ‘Catch them young’ were his noble words in relation to this festival. Either that, or the fact that he was genuinely fond of children.

Q. When is it right to have a kid?

A. It is alright to have a kid when you find the perfect partner, one who will stand by you through thick and thin trying to ensure that your weight doesn't keep fluctuating like that, and when you reach a level of financial security.

It is also right to have a kid if you look like this couple and you want to bind your hot wife in a loveless marriage, for the sake of little Rahul.

This picture is for representational purposes only.

Q. When do you grow up?

A. Technically speaking, one grows up when he or she can take full responsibility for his or her actions, contribute to society and lead a fulfilling life. Failing which, you grow up to be a rockstar, in a mental institution or Salman Khan.

P.S. Growing up is the difference between being child-like and childish.

Q. What do you do when puberty hits you?

A. You hit back. Depending on your gender, you can do this by buying a razor or a bra. In some cases both.

Q. What do you do when it doesn't hit you?

A. Again, depending on your gender, you can cover up your lack of puberty by using a false moustache or a couple of oranges.

Q. Who celebrates Children’s day?

A. This wondrously cute day, is celebrated by everyone. Everyone here stands for teachers who want a day away from the little monsters, the top management of Archie’s greeting cards and that old creepy uncle who keeps asking you if you would like to eat his chocolate in the back of his van.  

Q. When do you outgrow Horlicks?

A. The day you are asked if someone in your immediate family married a giraffe, when you can walk upright like a human being even with your 70 tonne schoolbag on your back and can spell your name with a 70% accuracy, is the day you won’t need to be any more taller, stronger or sharper.

Q. Do kids have a lot more pressure now?

A. The pressure has most definitely increased over the years. Studies show this primarily because  of a significant change in children’s diet. A gradual shift toward chocolates, ruffle lays and any other edible substance that guarantees ‘0% transfats’ has lead to a slight increase in pressure over the years. In fact experts agree that Balika Vadhu, Chote Ustaad and Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Lil Champs, are not helping the situation.

Q. What about the mating habits of pigeons?

A. Pigeon pairs are monogamous, often breeding in consecutive seasons for as long as both birds of a pair live. Most will attempt to raise several broods each year. Sometimes as many as four or five broods will be raised in a single year.

All questions carry 10 marks, failing this test, will ensure that your future resembles a gruesome car accident. Happy Children’s day. 

The Hot Strip ........ By Tanzania

You can find the Holy Grail, but what about Parking?

Not now, not ever.

There’s far too many problems with using a vehicle nowadays, like traffic, the depletion of the ozone layer because of exhaust fumes and the bullock dying because of exhaustion. But as if all that was not enough, we still haven’t touched upon the grave vehicular problem of Parking.

Parking is slowly emerging as the single biggest threat to happiness in recent times, slowly edging past nuclear warfare, terrorism and the vuvuzela. And for good reason too. You see the thing with parking is that it is very irritating, occasionally expensive and always unavailable.

Nowadays you have more chance of finding the holy grail(refer The Da Vinci Code for further instructions) than you do of finding a good spot to park your car in. The reason for this is that there is no parking available. It’s a case of simple mathematics. The amount of earth stays the same but the number of cars keeps increasing. We have now reached a point where all available parking is already taken and the no-parking zones are not helping the situation.

This has a direct impact on the traffic. You may or may not(if you drive with a blindfold on) have noticed that there is more traffic on the roads than there are anopheles mosquitoes in the city. This is simply because more and more cars(76 million) are just circling around a street waiting for a place to park.That’s why sometimes it takes more time to find parking for your car than it takes to get to your destination.

Now its time I busted an urban legend, Ladies and Gentleman... *Drumroll*....: There is no such thing as a Good Parking Spot. It exists as much as Tushhar Kapoor’s acting skills. A parking place by definition is a place which will adversely affect(read as ‘damage’) your car when no one(read as ‘you’) is looking, causing you either discomfort, pain or financial ruin. The only place where your car won’t get toasted by the cruel sun, get used as a public toilet for passing pigeons or get towed away, is the spot that you have to pay for. In fact they’ve got a name for it too: Pay and Park.

 If you’re lucky enough to avoid all of the above, there is no way that you’ll avoid the illiterate parkers. These are the people who are illiterate in proper parking habits and etiquette. The parking illiterates are the masters of double parking, parking so close to your car that you can’t open the doors, scratching your car while parking their own and parking their cars which are parked at mathematically impossible angles (365 degrees). And for those who believe in karma, how do you explain the fact that it’s never their car that gets towed away.

My only advice to all you vehicle owners out there is to sell those vehicles now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life searching for parking. I guarantee you that it will make you calmer, more peaceful and will increase your life span by at least 19 years. It is no coincidence that suicide rates have shot up ever since the parking problem escalated. It might even help the human race in taking the next step in our evolution. Sometimes I feel that it is the constant worrying about where to park that is occupying great minds and preventing them from coming  up with the next big idea. Namely that of how to solve the parking problem.

The Hot Strip...by Tanzania!!

Too many TV Shows in between my Sexy Ads.

'Nuff said.

Its about time we did something about the advertising plague that’s infected televisions across the world. Clearly there’s far too much of it around and unfortunately its infected all my favourite shows. So in the end am watching less and less of what happened to the chase between the antelope and the cheetah and more and more of Shahrukh khan convincing me that I look dark and ugly and that he has the cream to solve it.

I guess the only time ads are okay is when they’re sexy ads. Then, I’d probably be annoyed with the serial coming in the way of my prime time ad viewing. But probably the reason am saying this is because am a man and which man doesn’t like a sexy woman talking to him in all earnestness.

They say that sex sells and I have to agree with them, that it does have its advantages. For one thing, its entertaining and eye-catching(NOTE: all views expressed are held by the author. Who is a man.). Sexy ads have a tendency of grabbing you by the balls(eyeballs) and making you pay attention. They are riveting, arousing and sometimes funny. For example am more likely to remember a hair oil brand if I see a semi-naked woman rubbing it all over her body, than say sanjay dutt getting a head massage. Semi-naked woman wins hands down and penis up.

Besides it makes the product a whole lot more interesting. If you told a man that he should use a deodorant called axe because it reduced body odour then the only way you’d get him to use it would be if he was a woodcutter. However the moment you air one ad which shows a guy who looks like something you rag in school, leading a string of superhot girls just because he put on a whiff of Axe deodorant, you have a whole bunch of weedy looking, gullible, brainless teenagers to eat out of your hand and pay for it too. Sex adds that element of self-interest to a product.

I think sexy ads are a great way of registering a product in the mind of the customer(male). Contemporary research tells us that a man thinks of sex every six seconds. Imagine how many times a day men will think of your product if you link it to sex:

Mr. Chakravorty(schoolteacher): As i was saying, it is possible that the makers of the constitution probably did not like gays. Hence there was section 377... *SEX* AMUL MACHO UNDERWEAR! Sorry kids, but from now on I will be saying that every six seconds until some other sexy ad for another product comes along.

Sexy ads will have their critics. They will be called parents, society and political parties itching to break things. They will say things like using sex in ads is totally pointless. Well it is for some products like cars, pan masala and agarbattis. But you cant expect a condom ad to show orang-utans swinging from trees and expect to make their point(yes Amul Macho did it, but they are underwears not condoms.). Also Sex in ads gives a covert and misleading message to the viewer. A sexy ad for jeans tells you really quietly that if you wear the jeans you’ll get really lucky with the ladies who find it irresistible. This is usually not the case, because women care for things like character, sense of humor and looks before they start falling for your jeans. Also who would buy a pair of jeans if it meant he had to keep taking them off? And of course sexy ads alienate a lot of the women customers. The straight ones at any rate.

I would have loved to go on about sexy advertisements but I’ll have to take a short break right now. Dont go anywhere. Stay tuned because I’ll be right back! 

Drippy times

Everyone around me seems to have malaria. One by one they are all getting slowly but surely infected. I finally know what it feels like to be the hero of a zombie movie, where I am the lone survivor, the last human being among a world of those who fell prey to a mutant virus which has now made them zombies. Invariably, being the last survivor in a zombie movie I will be expected to head to the nearest army base, which by default will be American, which is somehow always immune and ready for any disaster. It will never be the Sri Lankan army that will come to the rescue, it will never be the Venezuelan army that can save the world, it will always be the American Army that will be immune and ready to rescue. I think it has something to do with Sri Lanka and Venezuela having a flimsy film industry. But I am digressing.

I was talking about malaria. It suddenly seems to be rampant. The statistics look grim with there being a 70% increase in occurrences since last year. That is a worrying statistic, especially when all your close friends start ending up in the hospital. I can just imagine schools and colleges across Mumbai resembling ghost towns with only 5 students sitting in a class of 60 and thats just because those 5 have already completed their stint in the infirmary.

Very recently a dear friend was checked into the ICU, after he was ravenously sucked on by an anopheles mosquito. After he was thrown out into the general ward I paid him a visit. That's when I realised the atrocities that go on within the confines of the hospital. The poor sap was made to lie in a bed, with a drip trickling fluid into him, wearing a hideous blue costume that had the lingering smell of the person who had worn it before him. His room was specially equipped to keep him entertained during his week long stay, by providing him with a window. The device was primitive, but if you liked birds and blue skies then you had little to complain. My friend never really had a liking for either.

If it weren’t for the constant weakness, having to have food dripped into you and the crippling boredom, I think a stint in the hospital is rather a nice experience. On the upside, you get to laze around in bed all day that too, on the forceful insistence of your parents. It does make you wonder why they behave so differently when you do the exact same thing at home. There is no dearth of attention you receive when you are admitted. Its a great place to catch up with all your old relatives and school friends. And they’re all rather nice to you. You’ll never have a friend come asking for the money you owe them, while you’re in the ward. In fact they usually come bringing little things with them, like flowers, cards and dandruff.

 However in order to reap the benefits you got to sufferer the atrocities. In the 4p.m. to 7 p.m. visiting slot that I visited the ailing ally, he narrated to me some pretty gruesome violations. One of the dirtiest tricks that hospitals play on patients is the button they install on the side of the bed that says call nurse. Hospitals purposely install this button to raise the hopes of first time male patients who come in believing that the hospital is well stocked with nurses who are actually models with a will to serve to humanity. They enthusiastically press the button, even pressing it 3-4 times in the space of 5 nanoseconds in their excitement. Then when their innocent hearts skip a beat as they hear the knock on the door. They expect an aishwarya rai to walk in and ask lovingly about their condition. Instead in walks the lead actress of a ram gopal varma horror film.

Nurse: What is it?

Patient: Can you please send for the nurse? I seem to have pressed the “Call for the Ram-Gopal-Varma-Horror-Film-Actress Button”, by mistake.

But alas she is the nurse and you have to live with her for the duration of your stay. Worse still is when you hear the shrieking of patients all around you. If you spend enough time in a hospital you will come out convinced that the world is full of sadness, pain and unpayable bills. Your ears are constantly bombarded with cries of, “AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”, “NOOOO INJECTION!”, “Injections are okay, But what's that going in MY ASS!!!”, “AAAAAHHHHHH! THE BILL!” Hospitals are ironical places, because even if a man survives a heart attack, chances are slim that he’s going to survive the bill.

I just hope this Malaria pandemic meets a quinineful death and leaves me the lone survivor in this lonely world of malaria patients, hale and hearty. Maybe am immune to it after all or maybe my Baygon works better than yours. All that matters is that the future of Humankind depends on me.

- By Editor Man 

Hello people and our very dear readers! We are extremely sorry to inform you that due to some technical errors, we shall remain closed for maintenance. But hang on, don't be all heart broken and start slashing your wrists in despair, because we will be back with a bang in just a few days' time, with lots of more hilarious pieces for you to roll over the floor laughing to!! So, see you soon!!!

Security is Overrated.

Have you ever gone through the security check they have at malls? In case you happen to be an anti-social, reclusive mountain gorilla and haven't yet been to a mall, let me fill you in on the details.

First, at the entrance of the mall, you will see an object that looks like a doorframe. Yes just the doorframe, without the door. This is a metal detector. Beside the metal detector, will usually be standing, a security guard who invariably has a moustache- they always have the moustache to make themselves look like security guards aka Anil Kapoor- who's sole purpose for standing their is to make sure you go through the metal detector. You can tell  he isnt there to guard the mall but just to make you go through the metal detector by the fact that the only weapons he carries are a lathi, a bad expression and a rough voice. If you try going around the metal detector, something stirs in his cranium and he automatically starts speaking, "Sir, you must go from here." pointing at device. "Sir you must go from here." and he will repeat this infinitely until you do as he says.

Now on the other side of the metal detector, on the side where the guard isnt there, there will invariably be a woman standing behind a sort of desk. Who is this woman, you may ask? Is she the receptionist? Is she your long lost aunt Parmeshwari? No she isnt. She is basically the person with whom you have to leave your baggage while you walk through the metal detector. The moment you leave your bag with her she will begin acting like a racoon and start rummaging through your stuff in the hope of finding you guessed it, A BOMB, gun or secret assassins, in that order.

The reason security is overrated is that it is highly ineffectual, farcical and superficial, all those big words implying that it is useless. Because usually what happens is this:-

You walk up to the metal detector. You take off your bag and hand it to the racoon lady. Then you cat walk through the metal detector, which starts beeping like car stuck in rush hour traffic, because of the kitchen knife that you happen to be carrying in your pocket. The guard hears the beeping and he looks at you and smiles. You then proceed to collect your bag from the racoon lady. She as it turns out, hasnt been able to open your bag which is sealed by the highly sophisticated technology called the zip. She is still fumbling about trying to figure out your simple college bag, as if it were the sudoku.

So after waiting for a lifetime and three days, you ask her if you can be of some assistance. You open the bag for her and she looks inside briefly, sees a beer can, a pair of shorts, maybe an uneaten sandwich and quickly lets you go. She doesnt even bother to check the secret pocket in the side of your bag or the secret secret pocket inside the secret pocket, where you could easily have kept a bomb or two. It was as if they were told during their training, "Terrorists never try and hide their weapons. They keep the bomb in that part of the bag where its easiest to find. if you dont find it in the first glance then they probably dont have weapons."

Thats how ridiculous security at malls is. Even a newborn baby could walk into a mall with weapons off mass destruction.(But unfortunately since most newborns cant walk so this rarely happens.)

But am wondering what would the mall security do if someone actually walked in with a bomb and they managed to find it in the first compartment of his bag.

Bag-checking lady: Sir this is a bomb.

Terrorist: Ya i know.

Bag-checking lady: hmmm...wait a minute sir. Security guard, what are we supposed to do if someone walks in with a bomb?

Guard: I dont know. Maybe send him away.

Bag-checking Lady: Good idea. Sir am afraid bombs are not allowed in this mall. You could probably try the other one, which is just ten minutes away, because this is Mumbai where there are more malls than there are intelligent, effective security people.

Terrorist: Thanks a million for telling me that. If it weren't for you, i would have ended up going against your mall's security policy. Thank you. I'll try the other mall now. My mistake. Wont happen again.


On second thoughts, it is rather effective.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF MALARIA

Namaskar Pahuna!!!!

Kay he? Tumcha jara jastach prashna yeu lagle. Yes, I know the rainy season is more romantic than any other season. That is ok. Your hormones are raging and you just want some... love. Its ok. send in your questions. But not so many! My husband is also feeling like what you are feeling. he doesnt like when I am busy answering questions. He wants to keep my busy in another way.... ahem.
Ok... so the questions...

1) Maushi! I have a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I have sex, he starts squealing my name in this really high squeaky voice. I prefer low baritone voices. What do I do?

ANS: Well.. next time, just before you do it, tell him to put on a red costume and act like Mickey Mouse. That will make it more natural for you.. and also you will get to be Minnie Mouse, who is really HOT for a mouse. But make sure you get the right red costume. You dont want him to dress up in a Santa suit and squeak away. That will ruin your fetish for santa... ahem... i mean his voice.



2) L.M. I need your help. I have really curly hair and that is becoming a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I start getting physical, his hand gets stuck in my bush and it really kills the  mood. What do I do?
ANS: well sweety... i dont know if your talking bout the hair that is upstrairs or the one downstrairs. But wherever your curly hair problem is, I'v got just the solution for it. Go to a beauty salon and ask the lady to trim your hair. If it is upstairs, then have it straightened. If it is downstairs, then wax it off.... but make sure that you are not getting a manicure while you are getting waxed... you could ruin your nails and your downstrairs area each time she rips off your curls with hot wax...



3) Maushi... I am 19 years old. I did it with my HOT neighbour who did it with her boyfriend, who did it with a goat... But i only did it with her once last month... I am afraid I will get an STD... I was so afraid that I have started wearing condoms everyday.... I hear that they prevent STDs... Am I right?
ANS: Let me get this straight... you did it with her last month, and you are now wearing condoms everyday? boy, you are just too stupid to deal with... were you absent on the days that they had sex ed in school???? go to a doctor and find out if you have any STD... AND STOP WEARING CONDOMS FOR CHRISSAKE!!! ITS EMBARASSING... 

if any of you have any questions at all, dont worry... just send me a message... but not if you are going to talk like this fellow up here who thinks condoms are like calcium sandos... 
anyways... m off to have a little fun with my husband...
till my next post,
Love thy neighbour and his wife!






by Lauwandkar Maushi

The Hot Strip...by Tanzania!!

Religion of the 21st Century

Religion of the 21st Century

1) Thou shalt not steal (The Government hates competition!)

2) Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy (but if you work weekends, you will get paid overtime.)

3) Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless your name is Tiger Woods or Bill clinton)

4) Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain (unless your in one of the planes that Osama has ordered to crash. Then you might as well say it. Your gonna die in a fiery hell as it is.)

5) Love thy neighbour (especially if she is HOT!)

6) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. (God had it wrong all along. Adam and Eve were just trying to stay healthy!)

7) Man is born good and kind. (then just send him to jihadi school on the Pakistani border. That will straighten him out)

8) Jesus should have been alive now. So that he could turn all the water into wine and all the trees into weed. the world would be a better place!

9) Do others as you would want others to do you.

10) If you commit no sins, you will get into heaven. (Mostly all religions say this. But the muslims version of this is so much cooler. Because according to them, if you get into heaven, you will have 72 virgins ready to fulfill all your sexual fanatsies)

By Miss Calculated

Inaccurate headlines.

Improper headlines can cause a lot of confusion. I read the following headline today morning and i thought this guy was a cross-dresser or a homosexual until i read the complete article and found out he was a serial rapist. have a look yourself:

"THIS MAN CAN SURE PULL OFF A SARI!"

By Editor Man

Chivalry.

Chivalry is totally dead. Just today I offered a girl (a pretty one I may add) my seat in the bus and she gave me such a dirty look that for a moment I was convinced I had asked her to bed. Now I wasn’t even really looking to get talking. She was in obvious trouble juggling her phone, her I pod, her purse, her hairclip and several other ‘girl’ things I could not identify and I just thought it would be easier for her to do her juggling act with a slightly lower center of gravity and a backrest. She, however, seemed to think I’m a perverted little bastard. Well my ego prevented me from giving her as much as a second glance (ok, not really) but I couldn’t help wondering how our generation of guys is going to ever get talking to a stranger of the fairer (ok, not really) sex.

The days of charming young gentlemen are gone, and it’s not their fault either. I for one am never offering my seat to anyone ever again.

By Mr. Fly

Hot-O-Biography of a Nail Cutter.

Hullo my name is Apsara. Full name, Apsara Nail Cutters and Accessories. Off late I have been very depressed. I often feel like rusting and killing myself. I am writing this article for The Hot Spark in the hope that after I have taken out all my frustration I might feel a little bit better. So here goes...

Firstly, me and my 1000 brothers and sisters have never had the love of our parents. My Mother was a machine that used to mould hot molten iron into small little nail cutters like me and my father was a machine that used to package us into small little boxes. My parents live in a small factory in patna and me and my brothers and sisters were taken away from them right after we were born. I have grown up without the loving care of a mother and the hard discipline of a father and maybe that is why you think I am so cold, metallic and snappy. You see its not all my fault!

On top of that I hate my job. It just stinks! Imagine just waiting around for days at a stretch, waiting to be called into action and when the time finally comes, what do I have to do, but cut freaking nails! And that too would have been bearable if you humans learned to keep your feet clean. I just hate the days I have to cut your toe nails because your DIRTY FEET SMELL SO GODDAMN MUCH!

In fact they smell so much that I would rather die than go near your rotten stinking feet. And believe me I have tried killing myself but being a non-living object has its downsides. One of them being that its difficult to die! I have tried rusting myself to death but its not entirely in my hands you see because I need to be put in water for that to happen and those inconsiderate humans just don’t listen to my pleas!

Just like they don’t listen to me when I tell them not to press my head so hard when they are using me! I mean it freaking hurts! Wouldn’t it hurt you, if a gigantic thumb was pressing your head in really hard while you had your mouth stuffed with toe nails? It would right. The same way it hurts me too. And I keep yelling and shouting and sobbing and crying but they just don’t listen. They just keep pressing harder and harder till I bite right through their overgrown nails.

Am going to stop here because am getting a headache just thinking of it. So the next time you use a nail cutter just remember to press the head lightly and dip it in water so that it can happily rust in death rather than smell your smelly feet again!

Reproduced accurately and faithfully by Editor Man

Tabasco Sauce... by Nachos!

Sweet Chillies- Episode 7

Part 1

The next few days saw groups of students sitting huddled together doing something, after which they would suddenly start laughing uncontrollably. At first look many thought that suddenly the entire student populace of Panchgani Institute of Commerce and Economics were sitting in their groups and rolling joints. However that was not the case. Careful inspection revealed that the kids used to sit around a mobile phone and laugh at a hilarious MMS that was being circulated around the entire college. The MMS showed one of the institutes students Sahil Shah stark naked, trying to make his “thing” stand-up so he could fornicate with Shweta Ajmera, unfortunately his “Main Point” refused to awaken.

The MMS had been passed about faster then the Brazilian football team can pass around a football. In no time nearly every mobile phone, had the video. It was spreading wild and fast, much like a forest fire.

Poor Sahil Shah, the protagonist of that unfortunate video clip. His life had come tumbling around him. It is tough enough to deal with the fact that your “organ” is not functioning properly at the tender age of 17, and then to add public humiliation because of it, is sheer torture. This used to actually be something that nazi’s used to do at concentration camps.

A day after the scandal broke, sahil entered class to be greeted by a moment of silence and then the whole class erupted into maniacal laughter. “Sahil! Am surprised to see you made it for the morning lecture. I thought you wouldn’t ‘get up!’” said Vicky. Vicky whose actual name was Vikram Singh Ahluwahlia, was a wannabe. Among other things, he really wanted to be cool. That's why he had kept his name Vicky and thought he looked really cool when he spoke as loud as a factory machine and ragged people by cracking stupid jokes on them.

Sahil quietly sat down. “I knew you would sit down. You cant ‘stand-up’ can you?” said Vicky and gave a really loud laugh.

Sahil remained quiet. “Hey Sahil! You are definitely not going to be a great man, because great men can ‘rise up to the occasion’!” cackled Vicky.

Sahil just kept counting sheep to keep his anger in control.

Part 2.

“Let him be you dimwit!” said Satyavardhan Singh, “What's your problem? You’re acting like you were left unsatisfied because of his problem.”

Vicky turned around. The smile had been wiped from his face. He looked around angrily as the entire now began laughing at him.

“Look whose talking! If it isn’t the world’s biggest liar himself. You know what if you were Pinocchio your nose would have been so long that it would have crossed the border and begun poking the Pakistani army.” Said Vicky.

“What do you mean by calling me a liar?” said Satyavardhan defensively.

“Oh really! I’ll tell you what I mean. When people ask you if you’ve studied for a test you say you haven’t. You say that you were playing computer games all night long. It turns out that you get the 3^rd highest marks, and you don’t have a computer. When I asked you a stupid thing like the time just yesterday, you told me it was 8:30, when it was actually 10. You go around telling people that your father works in the film industry as a director. It turns out that your father is actually a stunt man. Do you want any more evidence, me lord?”

Satyavardhan was silent. “The case is closed. I win.” Said Vicky and stalked off.

Interview with Hitler

This is a very rare interview that took place somewhere in the year 1945. Our guest is a very distinguished man, the man who is responsible for a lot of death, destruction, general anarchy and bad fashion. Apart for being known for his poor taste in fashion, our guest is also known as the leader of the german forces that were hell bent on ruling the world. Today we conduct a very special interview with Mr. Adolf Hitler.

Q1. Good morning Rudolf, how are feeling?

Ans. my name is not Rudolf. It is Adolf. Adolf Hitler.

Q2. Am so sorry, So Adolf how does feel like, now you face a crushing defeat in world war 2 and certain death after they catch you?

Ans. Umm... I guess I feel bad.

Q3. How bad?

Ans. very bad. Move on to the next question.

Q4. Alright. How do you explain your moustache?

Ans. it is my style. The German style.

Q5. Is it true that it is actually because you ran out of shaving foam?

Ans. No! (raises his voice, slightly)

Q6. Is Charlie Chaplin your brother?

Ans. No.

Q7. Cousin?

Ans. NO.

Q8. Step-brother?

Ans. NO! He is in no way related to me. No more personal questions. From now stick to professional questions or I will have you shot.

Q9. Yes sir. Tell us more about your tanks....

Ans. Yes(calming down). We have engineered a new set of tanks, which are very powerful and extremely potent. We call them Panzers.

Q10. Have you ever ridden a Pansy?

Ans. its not a Pansy, its a Panzer! (getting agitated). No I haven’t ridden or driven a Panzer.

Q11. Is it because you don’t have a driver’s license?

Ans. NO!!! Gah, next question.(eyes slightly popping)

Q12. Which place do you intend to bomb next?

Ans. That is top secret. I am afraid I cannot disclose that in this interview.

Q13. Oh, Come on Rudolf, tell us which place you are going to bomb next. It will stay between the two of us don’t worry. (Slaps Hitler on the back, in a chummy manner).

Ans. WILL YOU STOP IT! (Screaming so that nerves on neck are visible) AND FOR THE LAST TIME MY NAME IS ADOLF! NOT RUDOLF! RUDOLF IS BLOODY REINDEER!

Q14. Oh, I am so very sorry, slip of tongue you see. Rumor has it that you are going to bomb Germany next. Is it true?

Ans. GERMANY IS MY OWN COUNTRY, YOU FOOL!( Shaking with anger)

Q15. Oh, am so sorry, I didn’t know you were German. So are you going to bomb Zimbabwe next?

Ans. NO! (getting on his feet and screaming very loudly)

Q16. West indies?

Ans. NAI NAI NAI(Hopping up and down) GET OUT YOU IDIOTIC RASCAL!

Q17. Are you gay?

Ans. interview ended abruptly as a bomb was hurled in interviewers direction.

Conducted by Editor Man

Hot-O-Biography of a Mosquito.

Hello my name is zzzztotzzzz, which in the mosquito language means He Who is Stronger Than Mortein. So how is life being a mosquito, you ask? Well I’ll tell you...

Firstly I hate fans. It’s wind totally blows me of track, I don’t really weigh too much to stand a chance. And plus sometimes its so strong that it mangles up my 6 legs and my wings. Damn I hate fans! Why don’t you ‘smart’ humans use the AC instead?

And I really don’t see why you get so angry when I suck you? You seem to like it a lot when your females do it to you, then you keep pleading and begging for more, but the moment I decide to suck you, you feel like killing me! I just don’t understand? Trust me, give me a chance, am sure I can suck better than any one of those naked female humans!

And even if you don’t like it, what's the harm if I suck out just a little of your blood? Come on lets be a bit rational here and put the whole thing in perspective, the little tiny bit of blood that I require for my well being and overall nourishment, is going to make not one tiny bit of difference to you! DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO BRUTALLY MURDER ME BY SQUASHING ME TO PULP FOR TAKING LESS THAN A DROP OF YOUR BLOOD? Be more charitable and learn to give more often!

Oh and you can tolerate all kinds of loud, obnoxious, irritating noises, but for some stupid reason you cant tolerate my light gentle buzzing? I wonder why that is? When there are a hundred cars honking and passing by outside your window, thats ok, when your friends keep jabbering in your ear thats ok. When your phone is vibrating and buzzing, you can tolerate it! But one buzz from me and you want to squish me into a red spot on the wall! YOU CAN FREAKING LISTEN TO HIMESH BUT YOU CANT TOLERATE ME! COME ON GET REAL!

And lastly I know am great and am probably the most awesome thing you have ever seen, but you really don’t have to start clapping every time you see me. I like to be really humble and down to earth, so I don’t much like all the excess love and adulation that you choose to shower on me. Seriously keep the clapping for the birthdays and music concerts because we mosquitoes don’t like it. It sounds bad and is a threat to our life and general safety and besides it reminds of Nana Patekar.

That's all. I think I’ll buzz off now.

Reproduced faithfully and completely by Editor Man