How Barcelona, Coriander and Aayush Bhatt ruined my life

My name is Sujoy Bannerjee. In school I came 4^th, lost out on 3^rd place by 2 marks and 1^st place by 4 marks. I ate only homemade food, put oil in my hair, religious wore my pant near my solar plexus and adjusted my specs every 10 minutes. I was very quiet and got the award for being most discipline boy, punctual boy and boy who never missed or bunked school award. In short I was as straight as a natraj 30 cm ruler. Then I went to Rajumal Vidhyadhar college, for engineering.

Now I drink a peg in the morning and a quarter at night, and maybe a bottle in between. Joint family to me means, all my buddies who smoke up with me, the fire brigade is called to our college every 2 days, because I smoke so much. And had it not been for three things... my life would have been soooo different.. sooo boring.... so f***ed up!

Barcelona was the first culprit. I remember the day. Till that day I was still the pious engineering student who wanted to do well academically. That night Manchester united was playing Barcelona in the Champions league final. The only concession I had let into my pious life was that of being a Manchester united fan. So when united lost, I was overcome with misery. I felt that the world had come crashing down upon my tender shoulders. My friends tried to console, to no avail. Finally they brought me a bottle of rum. I had a sip. Then I had a little more. Then I had the whole fucking bottle! Hell yea!!! Thank you Barcelona for introducing to my friends, Johnny walker, peter scotch and of course the old monk!

Coriander was the next culprit. I didn’t know my roommate was a junkie until I accidently smoked up and got so high that the world seemed really far below! You see my friend kept his stash of weed buds in the fridge for some god forsaking reason. That day, I was making soup. I needed coriander. I was tired and sleepy. And to a tired and sleepy man, buds of weed and coriander look the fucking same. So I grabbed a whole handful of weed and dumped it in the pot. Soon the vapours started coming out. I sniffed. It felt good. I sniffed again, and then I took lungfuls of that intoxicating aroma!!! Brinjal soup never smelt this good!!! Now the only powder I use is coke!

Finally comes aayush bhatt. Bhatt is a senior. And I mean very senior. He has failed a record 7 times in the second year, legend has it that he is around 26 years old and is going to get married very soon. He still takes extreme pride in ragging all people younger than him, and that includes every fucking student, and some teachers and peons too. And for some fucked up reason, he took a special interest, in my initiation into the ways of the world.

Aayush Bhatt: idhar aah chut*ye!!!

Me: yes sir..

Aayush: you smoke?

Me: no sir...

Aayush: why not, you dumb fucking asshole?

Me: sir, I don’t like it... (trembling like a leaf in a freaking storm)

Aayush: come here you little dirty skunk(grabbing my head and rubbing knuckles on my scalps) you will smoke, or I shall beat your face in with my hands and pull out your balls and make yoyo’s out of them. You go that?

Me: sir, yes, sir.

Aayush: (taking out a yoyo, me wondering whose unfortunate ball it was) good. I like you. You learn fast and are polite in your speech. Now run along and have a cigarette. No funny business, because I shall be watching you till you have the whole mother fucking thing!

Yes. That’s how my life was ruined or in other words, life happened to me.