My shaving foam recently went to see a psychiatrist for
chronic depression. My razorblade contemplates suicide as you read this. I can’t
blame them either. They’ve been feeling very unwanted ever since I started
growing a beard.
Oh, the shining symbol of masculinity hangs of my face in
all its hairy glory. Finally, at long last I have managed to cultivate a beard;
not a half-assed stubble, or a one week laziness beard, I have a full-fledged,
tangling, dangling, man-bush. It’s a beautiful crop and the worst thing I can
say for it is that sometimes if you pat it, a wasp flies out.
It wasn’t easy to grow my face-velcro. In this modern age,
where Gillette’s marketing budget determines a man’s appearance, I had to fight
for my rights to bearding. Let this be an instruction to all amateur beard
growers: your passage will not be easy. Girls will frown at you for your
sandpaper cheeks, your boss will insist that he doesn’t want a homeless person
interacting with the client and society will brand you an insidious left-wing
intellectual. In short, there will be immense pressure for you shear off your
beard. Don’t. Give. In.
Remember the benefits of that proud fuzz. It saves you all
that pointless time that you spend in shaving. It is time that you can use
instead, to watch viral videos on Youtube! It’s the sign of knowledge! A beard
gives a man authority which is why 90% of all college professors, mad
scientists and movie villains have sported flowing tufts. It’s a life-saver! If
you happen to lost in the wild with no sources of food, all you have to do is
rummage through your beard for the left over bits and crumbs. It’s the sign of
toughness! If you have a wispy voice and a thin frame, if you think you aren’t
taken seriously, if people treat you the same way they treat cute babies in
prams, then it’s about time you grew a beard. Just imagine how much more
menacing Sachin would seem if only he had a beard. I wonder who would call for his
retirement then?
Growing a beard is an act of love. It takes time and
patience. It will test you in ways that you have never been tested. If you can
get past the initial scratchiness that comes with hair thrusting out of your
face and if you can tide over the wanton criticism levelled at you then you’ll
find yourself in the possession of a lovely hairiness that will provide you
with endless warmth, security (bearded men and women are robbed/murdered a lot
less than their wimpy looking non-bearded counterparts) and endless hours of
entertainment by giving you something to tug and stroke when you’re bored in a
public place. Over time you will find yourself growing a firm personal
attachment to your untrimmed patch. When you reach this phase don’t hesitate in
giving it a nickname (my own is called Basant) and feel free to indulge it a
few meals by dipping it in the soup by mistake.
Gandhiji, though beardless himself, gave us the most
accurate description of what it’s like to grow a beard when he said: “first
they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you and then you win!”
Oh my brothers and testosterone-heavy sisters, make sure you win! Make sure the
beard is unfurled! Make sure... OWWW! Ok, the wasp just bit me.
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