Security is Overrated.

Have you ever gone through the security check they have at malls? In case you happen to be an anti-social, reclusive mountain gorilla and haven't yet been to a mall, let me fill you in on the details.

First, at the entrance of the mall, you will see an object that looks like a doorframe. Yes just the doorframe, without the door. This is a metal detector. Beside the metal detector, will usually be standing, a security guard who invariably has a moustache- they always have the moustache to make themselves look like security guards aka Anil Kapoor- who's sole purpose for standing their is to make sure you go through the metal detector. You can tell  he isnt there to guard the mall but just to make you go through the metal detector by the fact that the only weapons he carries are a lathi, a bad expression and a rough voice. If you try going around the metal detector, something stirs in his cranium and he automatically starts speaking, "Sir, you must go from here." pointing at device. "Sir you must go from here." and he will repeat this infinitely until you do as he says.

Now on the other side of the metal detector, on the side where the guard isnt there, there will invariably be a woman standing behind a sort of desk. Who is this woman, you may ask? Is she the receptionist? Is she your long lost aunt Parmeshwari? No she isnt. She is basically the person with whom you have to leave your baggage while you walk through the metal detector. The moment you leave your bag with her she will begin acting like a racoon and start rummaging through your stuff in the hope of finding you guessed it, A BOMB, gun or secret assassins, in that order.

The reason security is overrated is that it is highly ineffectual, farcical and superficial, all those big words implying that it is useless. Because usually what happens is this:-

You walk up to the metal detector. You take off your bag and hand it to the racoon lady. Then you cat walk through the metal detector, which starts beeping like car stuck in rush hour traffic, because of the kitchen knife that you happen to be carrying in your pocket. The guard hears the beeping and he looks at you and smiles. You then proceed to collect your bag from the racoon lady. She as it turns out, hasnt been able to open your bag which is sealed by the highly sophisticated technology called the zip. She is still fumbling about trying to figure out your simple college bag, as if it were the sudoku.

So after waiting for a lifetime and three days, you ask her if you can be of some assistance. You open the bag for her and she looks inside briefly, sees a beer can, a pair of shorts, maybe an uneaten sandwich and quickly lets you go. She doesnt even bother to check the secret pocket in the side of your bag or the secret secret pocket inside the secret pocket, where you could easily have kept a bomb or two. It was as if they were told during their training, "Terrorists never try and hide their weapons. They keep the bomb in that part of the bag where its easiest to find. if you dont find it in the first glance then they probably dont have weapons."

Thats how ridiculous security at malls is. Even a newborn baby could walk into a mall with weapons off mass destruction.(But unfortunately since most newborns cant walk so this rarely happens.)

But am wondering what would the mall security do if someone actually walked in with a bomb and they managed to find it in the first compartment of his bag.

Bag-checking lady: Sir this is a bomb.

Terrorist: Ya i know.

Bag-checking lady: hmmm...wait a minute sir. Security guard, what are we supposed to do if someone walks in with a bomb?

Guard: I dont know. Maybe send him away.

Bag-checking Lady: Good idea. Sir am afraid bombs are not allowed in this mall. You could probably try the other one, which is just ten minutes away, because this is Mumbai where there are more malls than there are intelligent, effective security people.

Terrorist: Thanks a million for telling me that. If it weren't for you, i would have ended up going against your mall's security policy. Thank you. I'll try the other mall now. My mistake. Wont happen again.


On second thoughts, it is rather effective.