Lost in the Woods...

Tiger Woods, Great Golfer and Reformed Sex Addict

I have Mixed emotions when it comes to discussing Tiger Woods. I feel bad for the fact that he got caught sleeping with 21 women and completely wrecked his marriage and caused incomprehensible pain to his wife and family and on the other hand you feel like patting him on the back and congratulating him. He slept with 21 women after all. 21 HOT women at that. Way to go tiger!

I guess you just got too used to playing with your stick and pushing your tiny balls into too many holes. Maybe your over-sexed brain wanted some birdies off the pitch too. You know there is a very fine distinction between a Playboy and a Sportsman. Although they both involve playing something, they are not the same. I guess you just got confused.

Oh yeah and your excuse for getting nailed 21 bloody times is that you are a sex addict. How lame is that? Thats such a nice of saying that you actually have a character and you were only lusting after every woman you could lay your tiger paws on, because you have a psychological problem. That you were addicted to sex. That is the utmost peice of bullshit I have ever heard. According to your cock and bullshit story every human male is mental case. The only psychological problem you might have is your going mad due to your own bullshitiness.

But I must give it to you, its one hell of an excuse:

Police: Tell us! Why did you want to blow up half this city and kill more people than you can count.

Terrorist: Because you dumb freaking idiot, I cant help it. I am just addicted to blowing things up.

Police: Am so sorry we didn’t know you were addicted to blowing things up and you didn’t really mean to blow up half the city and kill more people than you can count. You just couldn’t help doing it. Go ahead your free to go. Make sure you join Terrorist’s Anonymous and come out of rehab a better man

Terrorist: I sure will you dumb freaking gullible ape.

The only real winners in this thing are tiger’s sponsors. They may act all stern and unhappy with the situation but behind the scenes they are literally having orgasms of joy at tiger’s wonderful actions. His actions go so in sync with their taglines, that it’s as if they had it planned all along. Yeah the next I see Tiger Woods the first few thoughts that will strike my head will be Just do it!(Nike), he got The Best a Man Can Get!( Gillete) and going by the gossip columns it truly was Performance Delivered! (Accenture). But apart from these brands he does make for an Excellent Brand Ambassador for any product targeted towards male consumers. Just imagine what a powerful message he gives out if you use him in an advertisement:

“Use this product and you will get to hump 21 hot babes, just like I did!”

Sounds like a good deal to me.

Oh yeah and after he was surrounded in all the negative publicity and made the most fun of since George W. Bush Jr, what does Tiger do? He gives the worlds worst public apology. Atleast when you are apologizing for making love to 21 women, make it sound like you mean it, you idiot. The 5 minute interview that he gave, looked, sounded and felt exactly like what it was, A FREAKING PUBLICITY STUNT DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU LOOK HUMAN AGAIN! In the interview Tiger talks about how much he regrets his behaviour in the tone of a weatherman telling you that it will be a cloudy with a chance of light rain. A blind deaf guy could have known it was fake, you ass!

In that interview Tiger also mentions that one of the main reasons for him having such a wild time with 21 hot women is that he lost his mind because he stopped meditating. And although I agree that meditating soothes the mind and has the ability to control the beastly Tiger in all of us, I refuse to believe that Tiger Woods suddenly became a woman-eating, sexually hungry, immoral love-cheat just because he forgot to shut his eyes while thinking of peaceful thoughts and focusing on his breathing, for some time.

Regardless of all his off-field indulgences Tiger is still the best thing to happen to golf and is still a great player. I hope he lets his winning do the talking when he plays this week. Let’s hope that Tiger can find his way out of the woods...

The Matador