It's Hot But It's So Not Sexy.

You feel it all around you. It’s been here for a while now. The thing that prevents you from stepping out of the house between 9 a.m. and 8.pm., the same thing that makes you wish that you could roam around without any clothes on and the same thing that forces you to say, “Uff! ye Ghamori!”. That's right, the summer heat is here.

For a long time, more accurately known as: March, the heat has been creeping up on us, slowly but steadily, like a Sonu Nigam song climbing the charts. You could feel the weather changing as winter melted away, its biting chilliness replaced by what can only be described as, ‘a terrible urge to wear shorts and apply powder.’

As winter begins receding you notice that the sun starts lingering longer and longer in the sky, eventually when at the height of summer it sets at approximately 8 in the night. This is also when you start noticing that any clothes that are not made of cotton are made of the same technology as toasters.

Summer is the season when those old shields against the cruel sun are taken out and worn once more. I am talking of sun-glasses and sun screen lotions. Suddenly every third person on the road looks like a celebrity with their black tinted glares resting on their nose. And wearing sunglasses is not just about looking cool anymore, but about actual utility! You NEED the sunglasses to protect your eyes from the harmful ultraviolet rays and more importantly help you look exactly like Salman Khan from Dabangg.

Always remember to apply sufficient sun screen lotion before stepping out in the summer heat. It not only keeps out the harmful ultraviolet rays that try and attack your skin after failing to enter your eyes, but it also prevents that horrible uneven tanning that makes you look like a Zebra when you take off your shirt.

I don’t know about you, but for me the summer is characterized by sweat. Every season induces a particular bodily malfunction (Winter: Peeling and Dryness of skin, Monsoon: Drowning) and the quirk of the summer, is of all things, sweat! You step out of the house for 5 minutes and you end up soaking wet in the stuff. It’s exactly like having a bath except at the end of this one you smell worse than you did before.

This is also the time of year that pessimists use to point out that the end of the world is imminent due to the phenomenon of global warming. All of a sudden newspaper’s shriek headlines like, “MORE PROOF OF GLOBAL WARMING: HOTTEST SUMMER SINCE 1955”. In my opinion this is completely counteractive to the argument of global warming because in 1955 there was NO global warming and it was STILL this hot!

But even if Global Warming is as true a threat as it is made out to be(its ahead of Pakistan on some lists) it still won’t convince me to forgo my air conditioning  between the months of March and August. If getting to sleep in the cool comfort of an air conditioned room means permanently damaging the environment for my children then I guess I won’t have any children. In fact it is my policy to keep the temperature of the A/C so low that sometimes I wake up with Eskimo’s in my bed.

I make up for my excess Air-Conditioner consumption by giving up other appliances in the summer. Like for example, instead of the microwave I use an ancient technique of heating food called, ‘leaving the food in front of an open window.’(in fact this Open Window device also doubles up as a really good Hair Dryer)

And now the moment you've all been sweating for: I present to you my 5 tips to stay cool this summer:

1. Get a Haircut.
2. Drink lots of water. If possible, store some in a hump. 
3. Have frequent baths. Not the sweat kinds.
4. Wear shorts. Especially if you are a woman.
5. Avoid pink sunglasses. They are not cool.

In conclusion, whenever you feel bad for yourself over the heat, just remember to thank your stars that you aren't a sheep because its scorching hot and those poor things have a sweater on.