Mankind evolved as a Gift for Women.

Right since the dawn of time a question has fogged the minds of men. A question that has never found an accurate answer, just like some other foggy questions (How did the universe come into existence? Is there life after death? And why is it necessary to wear matching socks?) Countless men have tried and failed, thought and got flummoxed, executed and got much of the same, over the immortal question, “What gift should I get my girl?”

Before trying to answer this question, let’s look at the history of the Gift. The gift giving tradition has been traced back to primitive ages where females used this technique to ascertain which male they would mate with, depending on the quality of his gift. Hence the strong, beefy cave-men, who brought back pendants made out of mammoth hair and tyrannosaurus tooth, stood more of a chance with the ladies than the scrawny chaps who thought a cave painting would make for a good gift. In fact, fire was invented as a birthday gift and the wheel so that a man could cart a dead brontosaurus to his woman on their 1^st anniversary.

Unfortunately this unjust tradition has lingered on and millions of men still continue to get yelled at, dumped or are refused sex for years at end, for coming short in the gifts department. Woman swoon over men who have good gift giving capacity. It’s for this same reason that talented men are called gifted and why one of the euphemisms for the penis is ‘package.’ 

That’s why there’s two kind of gifts. There’s the Surprise Gift and the Occasion Gift. The Surprise Gift is a gift you give a girl, when you just start going out, have had a fight or are having an affair and are feeling guilty about it. These gifts are small, inexpensive articles that would not have existed were it not for girls. Think small, cute, soft toy, here.

However the Occasion Gifts are a totally different animal to trap. These are the gifts that require all your skill, concentration and your lucky blue underpants. Occasion Gifts derive their name from the fact that they are presented only on the days which can never remember. The Occasion Gift is defined by the following criteria:

1.  1. It must be expensive. Because the truth is, your love IS as big as your bill.

2.   2. It must hold emotional value. This means it must be thoughtful, cheesy and     anything that makes her go, “awww...”

3.   3.  It must be refundable. For obvious reasons.

Think impossible here.

Research tells us that the difficulty of finding a gift for a woman is a bell shaped curved. It is easy to give a gift to a very young girl and a very old one. Very young girls,(those below 3 weeks old, because girls mature faster) will be happy with a Barbie doll and very old ones(those who took part in the revolt of 1857 and older) usually appreciate getting a dialysis machine. Its the middle ones who pose the problem.

Although, The Female Mind, is a complex system which is wired with the sole intention of being indecipherable to men, contemporary research has shown that women actually drop more hints about what they want than a young, limping antelope holding a placard that says, “EAT ME.” does about being eaten. Unfortunately to understand these hints requires a mysterious skill that men just don’t possess; that of listening. 

Woman: I want to go dancing. I really want to do it badly. I wonder if someone will take me to that new disco on our anniversary.

What the man hears: blah, blah, blah. I really want to do it badly. Blah, blah, blah.  “Darling this is no time to get frisky. Am still thinking of your gift, you know.”

I hope this comprehensive study helped some clueless men out there. In case it didn’t, at least you learnt to make sure that your gift isn’t like the time you spent reading this article: Non-refundable.