Monday, July 26, 2010
Hello people and our very dear readers! We are extremely sorry to inform you that due to some technical errors, we shall remain closed for maintenance. But hang on, don't be all heart broken and start slashing your wrists in despair, because we will be back with a bang in just a few days' time, with lots of more hilarious pieces for you to roll over the floor laughing to!! So, see you soon!!!
Monday, July 05, 2010
Security is Overrated.
Have you ever gone through the security check they have at malls? In case you happen to be an anti-social, reclusive mountain gorilla and haven't yet been to a mall, let me fill you in on the details.
First, at the entrance of the mall, you will see an object that looks like a doorframe. Yes just the doorframe, without the door. This is a metal detector. Beside the metal detector, will usually be standing, a security guard who invariably has a moustache- they always have the moustache to make themselves look like security guards aka Anil Kapoor- who's sole purpose for standing their is to make sure you go through the metal detector. You can tell he isnt there to guard the mall but just to make you go through the metal detector by the fact that the only weapons he carries are a lathi, a bad expression and a rough voice. If you try going around the metal detector, something stirs in his cranium and he automatically starts speaking, "Sir, you must go from here." pointing at device. "Sir you must go from here." and he will repeat this infinitely until you do as he says.
Now on the other side of the metal detector, on the side where the guard isnt there, there will invariably be a woman standing behind a sort of desk. Who is this woman, you may ask? Is she the receptionist? Is she your long lost aunt Parmeshwari? No she isnt. She is basically the person with whom you have to leave your baggage while you walk through the metal detector. The moment you leave your bag with her she will begin acting like a racoon and start rummaging through your stuff in the hope of finding you guessed it, A BOMB, gun or secret assassins, in that order.
The reason security is overrated is that it is highly ineffectual, farcical and superficial, all those big words implying that it is useless. Because usually what happens is this:-
You walk up to the metal detector. You take off your bag and hand it to the racoon lady. Then you cat walk through the metal detector, which starts beeping like car stuck in rush hour traffic, because of the kitchen knife that you happen to be carrying in your pocket. The guard hears the beeping and he looks at you and smiles. You then proceed to collect your bag from the racoon lady. She as it turns out, hasnt been able to open your bag which is sealed by the highly sophisticated technology called the zip. She is still fumbling about trying to figure out your simple college bag, as if it were the sudoku.
So after waiting for a lifetime and three days, you ask her if you can be of some assistance. You open the bag for her and she looks inside briefly, sees a beer can, a pair of shorts, maybe an uneaten sandwich and quickly lets you go. She doesnt even bother to check the secret pocket in the side of your bag or the secret secret pocket inside the secret pocket, where you could easily have kept a bomb or two. It was as if they were told during their training, "Terrorists never try and hide their weapons. They keep the bomb in that part of the bag where its easiest to find. if you dont find it in the first glance then they probably dont have weapons."
Thats how ridiculous security at malls is. Even a newborn baby could walk into a mall with weapons off mass destruction.(But unfortunately since most newborns cant walk so this rarely happens.)
But am wondering what would the mall security do if someone actually walked in with a bomb and they managed to find it in the first compartment of his bag.
Bag-checking lady: Sir this is a bomb.
Terrorist: Ya i know.
Bag-checking lady: hmmm...wait a minute sir. Security guard, what are we supposed to do if someone walks in with a bomb?
Guard: I dont know. Maybe send him away.
Bag-checking Lady: Good idea. Sir am afraid bombs are not allowed in this mall. You could probably try the other one, which is just ten minutes away, because this is Mumbai where there are more malls than there are intelligent, effective security people.
Terrorist: Thanks a million for telling me that. If it weren't for you, i would have ended up going against your mall's security policy. Thank you. I'll try the other mall now. My mistake. Wont happen again.
On second thoughts, it is rather effective.
First, at the entrance of the mall, you will see an object that looks like a doorframe. Yes just the doorframe, without the door. This is a metal detector. Beside the metal detector, will usually be standing, a security guard who invariably has a moustache- they always have the moustache to make themselves look like security guards aka Anil Kapoor- who's sole purpose for standing their is to make sure you go through the metal detector. You can tell he isnt there to guard the mall but just to make you go through the metal detector by the fact that the only weapons he carries are a lathi, a bad expression and a rough voice. If you try going around the metal detector, something stirs in his cranium and he automatically starts speaking, "Sir, you must go from here." pointing at device. "Sir you must go from here." and he will repeat this infinitely until you do as he says.
Now on the other side of the metal detector, on the side where the guard isnt there, there will invariably be a woman standing behind a sort of desk. Who is this woman, you may ask? Is she the receptionist? Is she your long lost aunt Parmeshwari? No she isnt. She is basically the person with whom you have to leave your baggage while you walk through the metal detector. The moment you leave your bag with her she will begin acting like a racoon and start rummaging through your stuff in the hope of finding you guessed it, A BOMB, gun or secret assassins, in that order.
The reason security is overrated is that it is highly ineffectual, farcical and superficial, all those big words implying that it is useless. Because usually what happens is this:-
You walk up to the metal detector. You take off your bag and hand it to the racoon lady. Then you cat walk through the metal detector, which starts beeping like car stuck in rush hour traffic, because of the kitchen knife that you happen to be carrying in your pocket. The guard hears the beeping and he looks at you and smiles. You then proceed to collect your bag from the racoon lady. She as it turns out, hasnt been able to open your bag which is sealed by the highly sophisticated technology called the zip. She is still fumbling about trying to figure out your simple college bag, as if it were the sudoku.
So after waiting for a lifetime and three days, you ask her if you can be of some assistance. You open the bag for her and she looks inside briefly, sees a beer can, a pair of shorts, maybe an uneaten sandwich and quickly lets you go. She doesnt even bother to check the secret pocket in the side of your bag or the secret secret pocket inside the secret pocket, where you could easily have kept a bomb or two. It was as if they were told during their training, "Terrorists never try and hide their weapons. They keep the bomb in that part of the bag where its easiest to find. if you dont find it in the first glance then they probably dont have weapons."
Thats how ridiculous security at malls is. Even a newborn baby could walk into a mall with weapons off mass destruction.(But unfortunately since most newborns cant walk so this rarely happens.)
But am wondering what would the mall security do if someone actually walked in with a bomb and they managed to find it in the first compartment of his bag.
Bag-checking lady: Sir this is a bomb.
Terrorist: Ya i know.
Bag-checking lady: hmmm...wait a minute sir. Security guard, what are we supposed to do if someone walks in with a bomb?
Guard: I dont know. Maybe send him away.
Bag-checking Lady: Good idea. Sir am afraid bombs are not allowed in this mall. You could probably try the other one, which is just ten minutes away, because this is Mumbai where there are more malls than there are intelligent, effective security people.
Terrorist: Thanks a million for telling me that. If it weren't for you, i would have ended up going against your mall's security policy. Thank you. I'll try the other mall now. My mistake. Wont happen again.
On second thoughts, it is rather effective.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
LOVE IN THE TIME OF MALARIA
Namaskar Pahuna!!!!
Kay he? Tumcha jara jastach prashna yeu lagle. Yes, I know the rainy season is more romantic than any other season. That is ok. Your hormones are raging and you just want some... love. Its ok. send in your questions. But not so many! My husband is also feeling like what you are feeling. he doesnt like when I am busy answering questions. He wants to keep my busy in another way.... ahem.
Ok... so the questions...
1) Maushi! I have a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I have sex, he starts squealing my name in this really high squeaky voice. I prefer low baritone voices. What do I do?
ANS: Well.. next time, just before you do it, tell him to put on a red costume and act like Mickey Mouse. That will make it more natural for you.. and also you will get to be Minnie Mouse, who is really HOT for a mouse. But make sure you get the right red costume. You dont want him to dress up in a Santa suit and squeak away. That will ruin your fetish for santa... ahem... i mean his voice.
2) L.M. I need your help. I have really curly hair and that is becoming a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I start getting physical, his hand gets stuck in my bush and it really kills the mood. What do I do?
ANS: well sweety... i dont know if your talking bout the hair that is upstrairs or the one downstrairs. But wherever your curly hair problem is, I'v got just the solution for it. Go to a beauty salon and ask the lady to trim your hair. If it is upstairs, then have it straightened. If it is downstairs, then wax it off.... but make sure that you are not getting a manicure while you are getting waxed... you could ruin your nails and your downstrairs area each time she rips off your curls with hot wax...
3) Maushi... I am 19 years old. I did it with my HOT neighbour who did it with her boyfriend, who did it with a goat... But i only did it with her once last month... I am afraid I will get an STD... I was so afraid that I have started wearing condoms everyday.... I hear that they prevent STDs... Am I right?
ANS: Let me get this straight... you did it with her last month, and you are now wearing condoms everyday? boy, you are just too stupid to deal with... were you absent on the days that they had sex ed in school???? go to a doctor and find out if you have any STD... AND STOP WEARING CONDOMS FOR CHRISSAKE!!! ITS EMBARASSING...
if any of you have any questions at all, dont worry... just send me a message... but not if you are going to talk like this fellow up here who thinks condoms are like calcium sandos...
anyways... m off to have a little fun with my husband...
till my next post,
Love thy neighbour and his wife!
by Lauwandkar Maushi
Kay he? Tumcha jara jastach prashna yeu lagle. Yes, I know the rainy season is more romantic than any other season. That is ok. Your hormones are raging and you just want some... love. Its ok. send in your questions. But not so many! My husband is also feeling like what you are feeling. he doesnt like when I am busy answering questions. He wants to keep my busy in another way.... ahem.
Ok... so the questions...
1) Maushi! I have a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I have sex, he starts squealing my name in this really high squeaky voice. I prefer low baritone voices. What do I do?
ANS: Well.. next time, just before you do it, tell him to put on a red costume and act like Mickey Mouse. That will make it more natural for you.. and also you will get to be Minnie Mouse, who is really HOT for a mouse. But make sure you get the right red costume. You dont want him to dress up in a Santa suit and squeak away. That will ruin your fetish for santa... ahem... i mean his voice.
2) L.M. I need your help. I have really curly hair and that is becoming a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I start getting physical, his hand gets stuck in my bush and it really kills the mood. What do I do?
ANS: well sweety... i dont know if your talking bout the hair that is upstrairs or the one downstrairs. But wherever your curly hair problem is, I'v got just the solution for it. Go to a beauty salon and ask the lady to trim your hair. If it is upstairs, then have it straightened. If it is downstairs, then wax it off.... but make sure that you are not getting a manicure while you are getting waxed... you could ruin your nails and your downstrairs area each time she rips off your curls with hot wax...
3) Maushi... I am 19 years old. I did it with my HOT neighbour who did it with her boyfriend, who did it with a goat... But i only did it with her once last month... I am afraid I will get an STD... I was so afraid that I have started wearing condoms everyday.... I hear that they prevent STDs... Am I right?
ANS: Let me get this straight... you did it with her last month, and you are now wearing condoms everyday? boy, you are just too stupid to deal with... were you absent on the days that they had sex ed in school???? go to a doctor and find out if you have any STD... AND STOP WEARING CONDOMS FOR CHRISSAKE!!! ITS EMBARASSING...
if any of you have any questions at all, dont worry... just send me a message... but not if you are going to talk like this fellow up here who thinks condoms are like calcium sandos...
anyways... m off to have a little fun with my husband...
till my next post,
Love thy neighbour and his wife!
by Lauwandkar Maushi
Friday, July 02, 2010
