This month, I was freelancing with MTV. It was for a project
which for a whole host of reasons, I cannot reveal anything about. And so, I
have creatively named it, Project Top Secret. I was working as a _____ (This
section cannot be published – Boss) on Project Top Secret. During the course of
my stint these are the things I learnt about freelancing at MTV.
1. MTV is on the 2nd floor, not the 4th
– The new Viacom 18 office is a massive building. It has all it channels in one
place and it can get very, very confusing which is why it is important that you
get off at the right floor. I spent three hours in a meeting discussing what
would happen if Chotti Bahu died, before realising that I was in Colours and
not MTV. I have to say though; Chotti Bahu has it bad in the coming episodes.
I’d look be careful of the gas stove, if I was her.
2. Oh, look at the freelancers work – Freelancers at MTV are
made to work in a small little conference room with glass doors. Which
basically means, you become a zoo animal. The regular employees often pass by
just to ogle at the freelancers at work and make funny faces at them. Some of
them even throw in a banana.
3. Freelunching – When you’ve spent hours brainstorming on
_____ for Project Top Secret, you invariably begin to feel hungry. That is when
you trudge up to the state of the art canteen on the 7th floor. The
canteen provides scientifically prepared, nutritious, filling, high-protein,
all-awesome food. No I’m kidding; it’s actually just Dahi Puri and Sev Puri and
some weird alien mixture of the two. This also explains why my boss is so, err,
vast that his paunch has a paunch. Those are his words not mine. (These are
your words and they will affect your payment – Boss.)
4. Hard labour is now
called ‘Freelance’ – The hours as a freelancer are so intense that they make
Ashutosh Gowariker movies look like ad films. Manic schedules have to be kept
in order to put up a project like Top Secret. You will be required to forfeit
sleep, comfort and all your loose change in order to meet deadlines. In fact,
at the time of writing, I haven’t been home for 17 weeks. I hear my folks are
planning to file a missing person’s complaint anytime now. This is also the
reason why Rahgu seems so pissed off.
5. Like a Boss – An MTV Boss is a true wonder of nature.
They are sweet, caring and gentle. They nurture an environment of productivity
and ensure that all freelancers are well looked after. They don’t overwork
freelancers, never demoralize/demean/deliberately scrunch the souls of their
freelancers by saying things like, “Plankton could have done a better job than
this.” They always make sure freelancers are well looked after. They even let
you out for one toilet break in the day! That is how golden hearted and amazing
an MTV Boss is. Really, I wish I could one day become an MTV Boss. My boss is
the best. He should get a raise. He is so spectacular that it’s a surprise he
isn’t a part of the Avengers, yet. My Boss is what humankind should strive to
become.
Final Advice to Freelancers – If ever you write an article on your ordeal, DO NOT give it to your Boss to proofread.
Secondly, keep in mind, by being a freelancer; you have talent but not enough
talent to land a full time job. Lastly, the level of automation in the MTV
toilets can be very unnerving. Do not panic if the flush asks you for the time.
