You can find the Holy Grail, but what about Parking?

Not now, not ever.

There’s far too many problems with using a vehicle nowadays, like traffic, the depletion of the ozone layer because of exhaust fumes and the bullock dying because of exhaustion. But as if all that was not enough, we still haven’t touched upon the grave vehicular problem of Parking.

Parking is slowly emerging as the single biggest threat to happiness in recent times, slowly edging past nuclear warfare, terrorism and the vuvuzela. And for good reason too. You see the thing with parking is that it is very irritating, occasionally expensive and always unavailable.

Nowadays you have more chance of finding the holy grail(refer The Da Vinci Code for further instructions) than you do of finding a good spot to park your car in. The reason for this is that there is no parking available. It’s a case of simple mathematics. The amount of earth stays the same but the number of cars keeps increasing. We have now reached a point where all available parking is already taken and the no-parking zones are not helping the situation.

This has a direct impact on the traffic. You may or may not(if you drive with a blindfold on) have noticed that there is more traffic on the roads than there are anopheles mosquitoes in the city. This is simply because more and more cars(76 million) are just circling around a street waiting for a place to park.That’s why sometimes it takes more time to find parking for your car than it takes to get to your destination.

Now its time I busted an urban legend, Ladies and Gentleman... *Drumroll*....: There is no such thing as a Good Parking Spot. It exists as much as Tushhar Kapoor’s acting skills. A parking place by definition is a place which will adversely affect(read as ‘damage’) your car when no one(read as ‘you’) is looking, causing you either discomfort, pain or financial ruin. The only place where your car won’t get toasted by the cruel sun, get used as a public toilet for passing pigeons or get towed away, is the spot that you have to pay for. In fact they’ve got a name for it too: Pay and Park.

 If you’re lucky enough to avoid all of the above, there is no way that you’ll avoid the illiterate parkers. These are the people who are illiterate in proper parking habits and etiquette. The parking illiterates are the masters of double parking, parking so close to your car that you can’t open the doors, scratching your car while parking their own and parking their cars which are parked at mathematically impossible angles (365 degrees). And for those who believe in karma, how do you explain the fact that it’s never their car that gets towed away.

My only advice to all you vehicle owners out there is to sell those vehicles now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life searching for parking. I guarantee you that it will make you calmer, more peaceful and will increase your life span by at least 19 years. It is no coincidence that suicide rates have shot up ever since the parking problem escalated. It might even help the human race in taking the next step in our evolution. Sometimes I feel that it is the constant worrying about where to park that is occupying great minds and preventing them from coming  up with the next big idea. Namely that of how to solve the parking problem.

The Hot Strip...by Tanzania!!

Too many TV Shows in between my Sexy Ads.

'Nuff said.

Its about time we did something about the advertising plague that’s infected televisions across the world. Clearly there’s far too much of it around and unfortunately its infected all my favourite shows. So in the end am watching less and less of what happened to the chase between the antelope and the cheetah and more and more of Shahrukh khan convincing me that I look dark and ugly and that he has the cream to solve it.

I guess the only time ads are okay is when they’re sexy ads. Then, I’d probably be annoyed with the serial coming in the way of my prime time ad viewing. But probably the reason am saying this is because am a man and which man doesn’t like a sexy woman talking to him in all earnestness.

They say that sex sells and I have to agree with them, that it does have its advantages. For one thing, its entertaining and eye-catching(NOTE: all views expressed are held by the author. Who is a man.). Sexy ads have a tendency of grabbing you by the balls(eyeballs) and making you pay attention. They are riveting, arousing and sometimes funny. For example am more likely to remember a hair oil brand if I see a semi-naked woman rubbing it all over her body, than say sanjay dutt getting a head massage. Semi-naked woman wins hands down and penis up.

Besides it makes the product a whole lot more interesting. If you told a man that he should use a deodorant called axe because it reduced body odour then the only way you’d get him to use it would be if he was a woodcutter. However the moment you air one ad which shows a guy who looks like something you rag in school, leading a string of superhot girls just because he put on a whiff of Axe deodorant, you have a whole bunch of weedy looking, gullible, brainless teenagers to eat out of your hand and pay for it too. Sex adds that element of self-interest to a product.

I think sexy ads are a great way of registering a product in the mind of the customer(male). Contemporary research tells us that a man thinks of sex every six seconds. Imagine how many times a day men will think of your product if you link it to sex:

Mr. Chakravorty(schoolteacher): As i was saying, it is possible that the makers of the constitution probably did not like gays. Hence there was section 377... *SEX* AMUL MACHO UNDERWEAR! Sorry kids, but from now on I will be saying that every six seconds until some other sexy ad for another product comes along.

Sexy ads will have their critics. They will be called parents, society and political parties itching to break things. They will say things like using sex in ads is totally pointless. Well it is for some products like cars, pan masala and agarbattis. But you cant expect a condom ad to show orang-utans swinging from trees and expect to make their point(yes Amul Macho did it, but they are underwears not condoms.). Also Sex in ads gives a covert and misleading message to the viewer. A sexy ad for jeans tells you really quietly that if you wear the jeans you’ll get really lucky with the ladies who find it irresistible. This is usually not the case, because women care for things like character, sense of humor and looks before they start falling for your jeans. Also who would buy a pair of jeans if it meant he had to keep taking them off? And of course sexy ads alienate a lot of the women customers. The straight ones at any rate.

I would have loved to go on about sexy advertisements but I’ll have to take a short break right now. Dont go anywhere. Stay tuned because I’ll be right back! 

Drippy times

Everyone around me seems to have malaria. One by one they are all getting slowly but surely infected. I finally know what it feels like to be the hero of a zombie movie, where I am the lone survivor, the last human being among a world of those who fell prey to a mutant virus which has now made them zombies. Invariably, being the last survivor in a zombie movie I will be expected to head to the nearest army base, which by default will be American, which is somehow always immune and ready for any disaster. It will never be the Sri Lankan army that will come to the rescue, it will never be the Venezuelan army that can save the world, it will always be the American Army that will be immune and ready to rescue. I think it has something to do with Sri Lanka and Venezuela having a flimsy film industry. But I am digressing.

I was talking about malaria. It suddenly seems to be rampant. The statistics look grim with there being a 70% increase in occurrences since last year. That is a worrying statistic, especially when all your close friends start ending up in the hospital. I can just imagine schools and colleges across Mumbai resembling ghost towns with only 5 students sitting in a class of 60 and thats just because those 5 have already completed their stint in the infirmary.

Very recently a dear friend was checked into the ICU, after he was ravenously sucked on by an anopheles mosquito. After he was thrown out into the general ward I paid him a visit. That's when I realised the atrocities that go on within the confines of the hospital. The poor sap was made to lie in a bed, with a drip trickling fluid into him, wearing a hideous blue costume that had the lingering smell of the person who had worn it before him. His room was specially equipped to keep him entertained during his week long stay, by providing him with a window. The device was primitive, but if you liked birds and blue skies then you had little to complain. My friend never really had a liking for either.

If it weren’t for the constant weakness, having to have food dripped into you and the crippling boredom, I think a stint in the hospital is rather a nice experience. On the upside, you get to laze around in bed all day that too, on the forceful insistence of your parents. It does make you wonder why they behave so differently when you do the exact same thing at home. There is no dearth of attention you receive when you are admitted. Its a great place to catch up with all your old relatives and school friends. And they’re all rather nice to you. You’ll never have a friend come asking for the money you owe them, while you’re in the ward. In fact they usually come bringing little things with them, like flowers, cards and dandruff.

 However in order to reap the benefits you got to sufferer the atrocities. In the 4p.m. to 7 p.m. visiting slot that I visited the ailing ally, he narrated to me some pretty gruesome violations. One of the dirtiest tricks that hospitals play on patients is the button they install on the side of the bed that says call nurse. Hospitals purposely install this button to raise the hopes of first time male patients who come in believing that the hospital is well stocked with nurses who are actually models with a will to serve to humanity. They enthusiastically press the button, even pressing it 3-4 times in the space of 5 nanoseconds in their excitement. Then when their innocent hearts skip a beat as they hear the knock on the door. They expect an aishwarya rai to walk in and ask lovingly about their condition. Instead in walks the lead actress of a ram gopal varma horror film.

Nurse: What is it?

Patient: Can you please send for the nurse? I seem to have pressed the “Call for the Ram-Gopal-Varma-Horror-Film-Actress Button”, by mistake.

But alas she is the nurse and you have to live with her for the duration of your stay. Worse still is when you hear the shrieking of patients all around you. If you spend enough time in a hospital you will come out convinced that the world is full of sadness, pain and unpayable bills. Your ears are constantly bombarded with cries of, “AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”, “NOOOO INJECTION!”, “Injections are okay, But what's that going in MY ASS!!!”, “AAAAAHHHHHH! THE BILL!” Hospitals are ironical places, because even if a man survives a heart attack, chances are slim that he’s going to survive the bill.

I just hope this Malaria pandemic meets a quinineful death and leaves me the lone survivor in this lonely world of malaria patients, hale and hearty. Maybe am immune to it after all or maybe my Baygon works better than yours. All that matters is that the future of Humankind depends on me.

- By Editor Man 

Hello people and our very dear readers! We are extremely sorry to inform you that due to some technical errors, we shall remain closed for maintenance. But hang on, don't be all heart broken and start slashing your wrists in despair, because we will be back with a bang in just a few days' time, with lots of more hilarious pieces for you to roll over the floor laughing to!! So, see you soon!!!

Security is Overrated.

Have you ever gone through the security check they have at malls? In case you happen to be an anti-social, reclusive mountain gorilla and haven't yet been to a mall, let me fill you in on the details.

First, at the entrance of the mall, you will see an object that looks like a doorframe. Yes just the doorframe, without the door. This is a metal detector. Beside the metal detector, will usually be standing, a security guard who invariably has a moustache- they always have the moustache to make themselves look like security guards aka Anil Kapoor- who's sole purpose for standing their is to make sure you go through the metal detector. You can tell  he isnt there to guard the mall but just to make you go through the metal detector by the fact that the only weapons he carries are a lathi, a bad expression and a rough voice. If you try going around the metal detector, something stirs in his cranium and he automatically starts speaking, "Sir, you must go from here." pointing at device. "Sir you must go from here." and he will repeat this infinitely until you do as he says.

Now on the other side of the metal detector, on the side where the guard isnt there, there will invariably be a woman standing behind a sort of desk. Who is this woman, you may ask? Is she the receptionist? Is she your long lost aunt Parmeshwari? No she isnt. She is basically the person with whom you have to leave your baggage while you walk through the metal detector. The moment you leave your bag with her she will begin acting like a racoon and start rummaging through your stuff in the hope of finding you guessed it, A BOMB, gun or secret assassins, in that order.

The reason security is overrated is that it is highly ineffectual, farcical and superficial, all those big words implying that it is useless. Because usually what happens is this:-

You walk up to the metal detector. You take off your bag and hand it to the racoon lady. Then you cat walk through the metal detector, which starts beeping like car stuck in rush hour traffic, because of the kitchen knife that you happen to be carrying in your pocket. The guard hears the beeping and he looks at you and smiles. You then proceed to collect your bag from the racoon lady. She as it turns out, hasnt been able to open your bag which is sealed by the highly sophisticated technology called the zip. She is still fumbling about trying to figure out your simple college bag, as if it were the sudoku.

So after waiting for a lifetime and three days, you ask her if you can be of some assistance. You open the bag for her and she looks inside briefly, sees a beer can, a pair of shorts, maybe an uneaten sandwich and quickly lets you go. She doesnt even bother to check the secret pocket in the side of your bag or the secret secret pocket inside the secret pocket, where you could easily have kept a bomb or two. It was as if they were told during their training, "Terrorists never try and hide their weapons. They keep the bomb in that part of the bag where its easiest to find. if you dont find it in the first glance then they probably dont have weapons."

Thats how ridiculous security at malls is. Even a newborn baby could walk into a mall with weapons off mass destruction.(But unfortunately since most newborns cant walk so this rarely happens.)

But am wondering what would the mall security do if someone actually walked in with a bomb and they managed to find it in the first compartment of his bag.

Bag-checking lady: Sir this is a bomb.

Terrorist: Ya i know.

Bag-checking lady: hmmm...wait a minute sir. Security guard, what are we supposed to do if someone walks in with a bomb?

Guard: I dont know. Maybe send him away.

Bag-checking Lady: Good idea. Sir am afraid bombs are not allowed in this mall. You could probably try the other one, which is just ten minutes away, because this is Mumbai where there are more malls than there are intelligent, effective security people.

Terrorist: Thanks a million for telling me that. If it weren't for you, i would have ended up going against your mall's security policy. Thank you. I'll try the other mall now. My mistake. Wont happen again.


On second thoughts, it is rather effective.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF MALARIA

Namaskar Pahuna!!!!

Kay he? Tumcha jara jastach prashna yeu lagle. Yes, I know the rainy season is more romantic than any other season. That is ok. Your hormones are raging and you just want some... love. Its ok. send in your questions. But not so many! My husband is also feeling like what you are feeling. he doesnt like when I am busy answering questions. He wants to keep my busy in another way.... ahem.
Ok... so the questions...

1) Maushi! I have a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I have sex, he starts squealing my name in this really high squeaky voice. I prefer low baritone voices. What do I do?

ANS: Well.. next time, just before you do it, tell him to put on a red costume and act like Mickey Mouse. That will make it more natural for you.. and also you will get to be Minnie Mouse, who is really HOT for a mouse. But make sure you get the right red costume. You dont want him to dress up in a Santa suit and squeak away. That will ruin your fetish for santa... ahem... i mean his voice.



2) L.M. I need your help. I have really curly hair and that is becoming a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I start getting physical, his hand gets stuck in my bush and it really kills the  mood. What do I do?
ANS: well sweety... i dont know if your talking bout the hair that is upstrairs or the one downstrairs. But wherever your curly hair problem is, I'v got just the solution for it. Go to a beauty salon and ask the lady to trim your hair. If it is upstairs, then have it straightened. If it is downstairs, then wax it off.... but make sure that you are not getting a manicure while you are getting waxed... you could ruin your nails and your downstrairs area each time she rips off your curls with hot wax...



3) Maushi... I am 19 years old. I did it with my HOT neighbour who did it with her boyfriend, who did it with a goat... But i only did it with her once last month... I am afraid I will get an STD... I was so afraid that I have started wearing condoms everyday.... I hear that they prevent STDs... Am I right?
ANS: Let me get this straight... you did it with her last month, and you are now wearing condoms everyday? boy, you are just too stupid to deal with... were you absent on the days that they had sex ed in school???? go to a doctor and find out if you have any STD... AND STOP WEARING CONDOMS FOR CHRISSAKE!!! ITS EMBARASSING... 

if any of you have any questions at all, dont worry... just send me a message... but not if you are going to talk like this fellow up here who thinks condoms are like calcium sandos... 
anyways... m off to have a little fun with my husband...
till my next post,
Love thy neighbour and his wife!






by Lauwandkar Maushi

The Hot Strip...by Tanzania!!

Religion of the 21st Century

Religion of the 21st Century

1) Thou shalt not steal (The Government hates competition!)

2) Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy (but if you work weekends, you will get paid overtime.)

3) Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless your name is Tiger Woods or Bill clinton)

4) Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain (unless your in one of the planes that Osama has ordered to crash. Then you might as well say it. Your gonna die in a fiery hell as it is.)

5) Love thy neighbour (especially if she is HOT!)

6) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. (God had it wrong all along. Adam and Eve were just trying to stay healthy!)

7) Man is born good and kind. (then just send him to jihadi school on the Pakistani border. That will straighten him out)

8) Jesus should have been alive now. So that he could turn all the water into wine and all the trees into weed. the world would be a better place!

9) Do others as you would want others to do you.

10) If you commit no sins, you will get into heaven. (Mostly all religions say this. But the muslims version of this is so much cooler. Because according to them, if you get into heaven, you will have 72 virgins ready to fulfill all your sexual fanatsies)

By Miss Calculated

Inaccurate headlines.

Improper headlines can cause a lot of confusion. I read the following headline today morning and i thought this guy was a cross-dresser or a homosexual until i read the complete article and found out he was a serial rapist. have a look yourself:

"THIS MAN CAN SURE PULL OFF A SARI!"

By Editor Man