Monsoons and not a moment too soon!

The monsoons are here. It’s that most wonderful time of the year again, when you are filled with unbridled love because your girlfriend’s clothes have turned translucent in the pouring rain. It’s the season that invokes the most nostalgia as you think back to the those enchanting times when you’ve had to swim back home because of all the water-logging. It’s that time of the year again when TV news channels go on extended holidays leaving last year’s footage of a gigantic puddle of water on loop with the headline, “IS KURLA THE NEXT ATLANTIS?”

This year the rains arrived pretty early which the MET department predicted correctly with the use of their new, sophisticated, weather forecasting system called, “Guesswork.” As the first lilting showers fell ever so gently on the thirsty earth below, kissing it with its wet raindrop lips, people were inspired to write lines such as this one. After the oppressive summer heat, the cool showers of monsoon felt exactly like switching over to the BBC after hours of watching AAJ TAK.

But all this rain-loving is but a matter of a week when the novelty of seeing water falling from the sky wears off. After that the rains become more of an inconvenience than a wonderful and romantic season, especially so if you have to step out of the house a lot.

The monsoons replace that uncomfortable sweating in the scorching heat with the uncomfortable sweating in the stuffy humidity. The air gets damp and sticky and your clothes take more time to dry than it takes an Ashutosh Gowariker film to reach its climax (7 years and 3 days).

The umbrellas and windcheaters start coming out after months of hibernating in the section of the cupboard which also contains your dirty magazines and it becomes terribly inconvenient for two people to walk with umbrellas on a footpath which is designed keeping in mind that no one is supposed to walk on it. Always make sure that you choose an umbrella befitting your gender. If you are a man then it is absolutely necessary that you carry the ‘gent’s’ umbrella, which is basically a simple black umbrella the size of a military helicopter. If you are a woman, your umbrella by default has to be of the foldable, compact type with colourful floral patterns on it. This distinction has been made because woman can get away with having a cute little pink umbrella without the risk of being called gay.

No piece on the rains would be complete without mentioning the brilliant flood control measures that our country has. Let me attempt to explain this complex system to you. Every time it rains, we open a drain, which causes water to start flooding the streets and that’s when our state-of-the-art-system of “evaporation” kicks in to get rid of the water in a record time of 4 days. This system works well as long as you don’t fall into any of the open drains.

Shoes are to be avoided in the monsoon. If you’re a woman that basically means putting aside 90% of your belongings for the next 3 months. And if you’re shoes are made of leather, then you better be more careful about their safety than a girl going home at 7 o clock in the evening in Delhi is about hers. Rains are to leather shoes, what the Taliban is to a woman who wants to play to football, that too in shorts.

Talking of which, the one defining cliché that everyone must do, is play football in the rains. People seem to think that a wet day somehow adds to the enjoyment of playing the sport. It’s not hard to see why they think like this, after all football is most fun when passing becomes impossible because the ground has been turned into a mud swamp, where you spend most of your time slipping and rolling around in the slush like a pig. The only person who doesn’t share your joy of playing football in the rains is your maid who has to wash what is basically a lot of mud in the shape of your T-Shirt.

All in all the monsoons are a wonderful season, not just because of the joy you get when your car splashes water on a person wearing a white shirt, not just because of the cold breeze that precedes a downpour and makes you want to rub Vicks Vaporub all over yourself and surely not just because of the sadistic joy you get out of seeing little children cry every time there’s a loud clap of thunder. No, the monsoon draws its beauty from the refreshment and the metaphorical cleansing that it offers to all those who’ve somehow managed to avoid falling into an open drain.

11 men, one Cup.

On 2^nd April history was made. Every Indian knows what am talking about, that’s right, this was the day President Obama declared as World Autism Day. No, am kidding of course. April 2^nd will be forever remembered as the day India finally won the world cup for the second time. It’s been a long time coming and we finally managed to beat the other 10 real contenders and win the coveted prize.

The world cup was won in extraordinary fashion. In fact, even the start was rather ominous with the toss having to be done twice because both Dhoni and the match referee didn’t hear whether Sangakkara had called Heads or Tails. This of course was good for Sangakkara because the coin didn’t land as per his original call which was, ‘Thorax’.

Sri Lanka batted first on a wicket that is so low scoring that even great batting sides manage to make an average of 260 runs even with Sreesanth bowling all 50 overs. Talking of Sreesanth, his dream came true. He finally got to play for Sri Lanka in a world cup final!

Sri Lanka began slowly, scoring at a pace that made the evolution of humankind look pretty fast in comparison. On the other hand India fielded surprisingly well. They were quick, agile and when they dived they didn’t jump over the ball as was standard practice a little while ago. Suresh Raina and Yuvraj Singh in particular did all their best to prevent as many runs as they could to make up for Sreesanth’s bowling.

However cometh the hour cometh the man and Mahela Jayawardena stepped up and scored a century. It was a wonderful innings under pressure that was totally unappreciated by one billion people. Eventually, Sri Lanka wound up making 274 runs which was respectable considering their incredibly slow start.

If the Sri Lankan start was bad then the start of the Indian innings was downright disastrous. Lasith Malinga got Sehwag LBWed right in the second ball of the innings. But to be fair Sehwag showed as much footwork as Abhishek Bacchchan does in an item number. But hope was only lost when Sachin got out for 18. With Sachin getting out India had not only lost a wicket but also lost an extra 82 runs.

But just then Gautam Gambhir and Virat ‘thebrat’ Kohli came good and put up a fine partnership that steadied the game, which is also read as doing with two men what Sachin would have done alone. When Kohli finally got out, Dhoni promoted himself up the order and came out to bat. Gambhir restraining his natural urge to get run out played a wonderful 97 before getting clean bowled. He will always be remembered as the man who led us to brink of victory but who didn’t win match of the match because he couldn’t complete his Hundred.

Dhoni played a captain’s knock in the match that mattered most. He lead from the front, with determination, motivated by the fear of what would happen to his friends and family if they lost. And then came that magic moment which will be remembered for years to come. With 5 runs needed to win the match Dhoni whacked the ball for a six and everyone started crying. To see a burly, chest-haired man like Yuvraj Singh crying was as odd as seeing Shahid Afridi’s large hearted praise of India. It just didn’t seem right.  

After the match Sachin was carried around the stadium by Yusuf Pathan, which was also his biggest contribution on the day of the final. In the post match interviews the standard answer to everything that was asked to the Indian Cricketers was, “We did it for Sachin.”

Q1. How does it feel to win the World Cup?

A: We did it for Sachin.

Q2.  What was the strategy to beat Sri Lanka?

A: We did it for Sachin.

Q3. Congratulations! We hear your child was born yesterday.

A: We did it for Sachin.

Much celebration ensued around the country. People got one more chance to get rid of those surplus Diwali firecrackers. The roads were filled with rejoicing fans. Slogans were yelled (De Ghuma Ke, Sachinnnnn-Sachinnnnnn and Revital, Jeeyo Jee Bhar Ke.) In fact for that one moment in time the country came as one, celebrating the fact that we won’t have to listen to anymore stories from Kapil Dev about what happened in 1983. With the majority of the country’s population below the age of thirty, this world cup will be the one that a nation will tell their kids about. And hopefully Sreesanth will be dropped from those re-tellings. 

Nobodies perfect. That's why everybody has a New Year’s resolution.

The new year has arrived. Call me a pessimist but I have a feeling it’s going to be the same as last year. Full of scams, bad films and broken New Year resolutions.

Every 31^st night, with the dawn of a new year around the corner, people universally begin to see themselves in true light. They realise mistakes made throughout the year and notice their shortcomings when it finally hits them that they’ve seen all 5 Akshay Kumar films this year(and most of MasterChef too).

No but seriously, every year end people introspect and begin to see the sea slugs that they really are. The new year offers them a new beginning to change or improve or to generally just avoid habits that end in “ ..is sentenced to 25 years of hard labour”.

That's why most resolutions are a killjoy. New Year Resolutions are defined as, “short, sharp statements which bind one to stop a pleasant activity or to start an unpleasant one.

Example: Stop eating blueberry cheesecakes.

                 

                Start studying.”

All New Year Resolutions come with an expiry date. They last for an astounding time span, a grand total of 24 hours. In a lot of ways resolutions are like bollywood actresses, you don’t remember them when they get old after which they perform only on 31^st night. And the main reason resolutions are like all news bulletins on India TV: forever breaking, is that they’re very unrealistic. Because let’s face it, your waist isn’t going from a Jayalalitha to a Kareena Kapoor in one year.

New year’s resolutions are rather obvious too. If you weigh 117 kg, your resolution would be to lose weight, if you smoke so much that scientists agree that the depletion of the ozone layer is your fault, then your resolution would be to quit and if your name is Rajnikanth then you wouldn’t have resolutions. Resolutions would have you.

Resolutions are hard things to stick to. They have the non-stickiness of a non-sticky frying pan. It’s always the same story, every New Year. You start the year, with that wonderful feeling that distinguishes a New Year day from other days, that’s right, the feeling of a massive throbbing hangover. When you eventually regain your ability to carry out basic bodily functions, you decide to stick to your resolution of not having more alcohol than the amount of weight you had resolved to lose last year(17,000 tonnes).

You write it down in a spanking new diary, because no new year is complete without scribbling something in a fresh diary which you will feel too lazy to write in, come January the third. However it’s all downhill from there. The resolutions you make are hard to stick to because you can’t be firm on yourself, you begin to expect things to change instantaneously or you generally don’t like the idea of not drinking.

That's how it’s been for me all along. In fact I have a backlog of pending Resolutions that would make the babu’s at the lower parel post office, look pretty darn productive in comparison. That's why this year I decided to make resolutions that I knew I would fulfil. My New Year resolutions for 2011 are:

1. Start ogling at the entire Victoria’s Secret Winter Collection Catalogue.

2. Stop my girlfriend from finding out about it.

3. Change my name to Rajnikanth.

Your Hair is As Good As The Adjectives It Has.

Although the UN haven’t officially made the change yet, am pretty convinced that the three basic necessities for life are: Food, Shelter and Hair Care. And here’s why.

Except for that one time when it was decided that cavewomen would have less facial hair to aid in gender differentiation, never has the hair been discussed more than it is being today. Suddenly, we seem to be living in a world which needs to have every adjective in the English language attached to their hair(Lustrous, Shiny, Bouncy, Noisy, Happy, Inquisitive, Squeaky and Shy)

If you switch on your television right now, you will be assaulted by a large number of TV commercials about Hair Care products(56 million) within the span of a really short time(1/17^th of a second).  The sheer volume of these commercials are enough to convince me that the world economy depends on the state of my hair.

Hair Care basically means, ensuring that your hair does not resemble anything found on Anil Kapoor’s chest. Hair must be well looked after, through the use of several products, adequate diet and occasionally police protection. Good hair is the result of your shampoo mating with your conditioner and hair oil.

Although it sounds really easy when put like that, in reality this business of shampooing is tough. Depending on your hair type and the dermatological problem that you are facing you will have to use a specific shampoo. For example, there’s one shampoo for dry hair only, one for making it smooth and silky. But that wont make your hair long and strong. For that there’s a different shampoo. Thinking logically and like a true gujrati, if you mixed the smooth and silky shampoo and the long and strong shampoo, you would get, you guessed it - Hair Loss. Now you know why the word shampoo has the words 'sham' and 'poo' built into it.

Apparently shampoos take out all the dirt and grime that accumulates in your hair because of the oil you use. And being an Indian I am sure you use it. Hair oil has become a part of India’s heritage and it’s use on the head is our gift to the world. For the longest time people thought that oil was just used to make cars run or to fry omelettes, until India showed the world that oil could be rubbed into your hair as well. It was found that Hair oil was an excellent substance to give your hair the health and nourishment that comes with being sticky enough to accumulate every particle of dust on the way from the grocery store to your house. In addition hair oil smells. I never really bonded with one of my distant aunts because she always had this vile smelling hair oil on and I could never manage to find my gas mask when she visited. 

Without oil, hair shows the classic withdrawal symptoms of the oil addict. It becomes rough, dry and frizzy. That is why it is important to know how to apply it correctly.

Applying oil the right way:

1. Heat oil to a warm temperature before applying. Ensure that the oil is not too hot because that would make it an ancient Chinese torture technique.

2. Make partitions in your hair while oiling. This allows oil to spread into all areas of the scalp and makes you look like a more authentic government official. 

3. Massage gently for 10 to 15 minutes. For best results ensure that the massage does not stray below the head.

4. Leave the oil for atleast 5 to 6 hours. This ensures that you leave oil prints all over the pillows and lets the oil sink into the scalp and disappear into your body.

5. Oil atleast once a week and if your hair is still very dry, try setting it on fire. You’ll be surprised at how well it’ll burn.

Am sure when Historian’s of the future, if they ever get the time from taking care of their hair, ever look back at our era, they will brand this moment in history as the Hair Care Revolution. And the only one's who will be left out of this utopian world of perfect hair will be the bald people. For everyone else, the future looks oily. 

A celebration of innocence and other young critters.

Children’s day just went by. It was a Sunday, so the kids were spared the torture of listening to their principal using words they didn’t understand about a day that was supposed to be about them. So yes, it had a happy ending.

However this joyous celebration of innocence raised some pertinent questions on childhood, children and the mating habits of pigeons.

Q. What is Children’s Day?

A. The answer is embedded in the question.

Q. Why is Children’s day celebrated on Pandit Nehru’s birthday i.e. The 14^th of November?

A. According to legend, Children’s Day is celebrated in India because the first prime minister of the country Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru wanted to capture the youth votebank. ‘Catch them young’ were his noble words in relation to this festival. Either that, or the fact that he was genuinely fond of children.

Q. When is it right to have a kid?

A. It is alright to have a kid when you find the perfect partner, one who will stand by you through thick and thin trying to ensure that your weight doesn't keep fluctuating like that, and when you reach a level of financial security.

It is also right to have a kid if you look like this couple and you want to bind your hot wife in a loveless marriage, for the sake of little Rahul.

This picture is for representational purposes only.

Q. When do you grow up?

A. Technically speaking, one grows up when he or she can take full responsibility for his or her actions, contribute to society and lead a fulfilling life. Failing which, you grow up to be a rockstar, in a mental institution or Salman Khan.

P.S. Growing up is the difference between being child-like and childish.

Q. What do you do when puberty hits you?

A. You hit back. Depending on your gender, you can do this by buying a razor or a bra. In some cases both.

Q. What do you do when it doesn't hit you?

A. Again, depending on your gender, you can cover up your lack of puberty by using a false moustache or a couple of oranges.

Q. Who celebrates Children’s day?

A. This wondrously cute day, is celebrated by everyone. Everyone here stands for teachers who want a day away from the little monsters, the top management of Archie’s greeting cards and that old creepy uncle who keeps asking you if you would like to eat his chocolate in the back of his van.  

Q. When do you outgrow Horlicks?

A. The day you are asked if someone in your immediate family married a giraffe, when you can walk upright like a human being even with your 70 tonne schoolbag on your back and can spell your name with a 70% accuracy, is the day you won’t need to be any more taller, stronger or sharper.

Q. Do kids have a lot more pressure now?

A. The pressure has most definitely increased over the years. Studies show this primarily because  of a significant change in children’s diet. A gradual shift toward chocolates, ruffle lays and any other edible substance that guarantees ‘0% transfats’ has lead to a slight increase in pressure over the years. In fact experts agree that Balika Vadhu, Chote Ustaad and Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Lil Champs, are not helping the situation.

Q. What about the mating habits of pigeons?

A. Pigeon pairs are monogamous, often breeding in consecutive seasons for as long as both birds of a pair live. Most will attempt to raise several broods each year. Sometimes as many as four or five broods will be raised in a single year.

All questions carry 10 marks, failing this test, will ensure that your future resembles a gruesome car accident. Happy Children’s day. 

Drippy times

Everyone around me seems to have malaria. One by one they are all getting slowly but surely infected. I finally know what it feels like to be the hero of a zombie movie, where I am the lone survivor, the last human being among a world of those who fell prey to a mutant virus which has now made them zombies. Invariably, being the last survivor in a zombie movie I will be expected to head to the nearest army base, which by default will be American, which is somehow always immune and ready for any disaster. It will never be the Sri Lankan army that will come to the rescue, it will never be the Venezuelan army that can save the world, it will always be the American Army that will be immune and ready to rescue. I think it has something to do with Sri Lanka and Venezuela having a flimsy film industry. But I am digressing.

I was talking about malaria. It suddenly seems to be rampant. The statistics look grim with there being a 70% increase in occurrences since last year. That is a worrying statistic, especially when all your close friends start ending up in the hospital. I can just imagine schools and colleges across Mumbai resembling ghost towns with only 5 students sitting in a class of 60 and thats just because those 5 have already completed their stint in the infirmary.

Very recently a dear friend was checked into the ICU, after he was ravenously sucked on by an anopheles mosquito. After he was thrown out into the general ward I paid him a visit. That's when I realised the atrocities that go on within the confines of the hospital. The poor sap was made to lie in a bed, with a drip trickling fluid into him, wearing a hideous blue costume that had the lingering smell of the person who had worn it before him. His room was specially equipped to keep him entertained during his week long stay, by providing him with a window. The device was primitive, but if you liked birds and blue skies then you had little to complain. My friend never really had a liking for either.

If it weren’t for the constant weakness, having to have food dripped into you and the crippling boredom, I think a stint in the hospital is rather a nice experience. On the upside, you get to laze around in bed all day that too, on the forceful insistence of your parents. It does make you wonder why they behave so differently when you do the exact same thing at home. There is no dearth of attention you receive when you are admitted. Its a great place to catch up with all your old relatives and school friends. And they’re all rather nice to you. You’ll never have a friend come asking for the money you owe them, while you’re in the ward. In fact they usually come bringing little things with them, like flowers, cards and dandruff.

 However in order to reap the benefits you got to sufferer the atrocities. In the 4p.m. to 7 p.m. visiting slot that I visited the ailing ally, he narrated to me some pretty gruesome violations. One of the dirtiest tricks that hospitals play on patients is the button they install on the side of the bed that says call nurse. Hospitals purposely install this button to raise the hopes of first time male patients who come in believing that the hospital is well stocked with nurses who are actually models with a will to serve to humanity. They enthusiastically press the button, even pressing it 3-4 times in the space of 5 nanoseconds in their excitement. Then when their innocent hearts skip a beat as they hear the knock on the door. They expect an aishwarya rai to walk in and ask lovingly about their condition. Instead in walks the lead actress of a ram gopal varma horror film.

Nurse: What is it?

Patient: Can you please send for the nurse? I seem to have pressed the “Call for the Ram-Gopal-Varma-Horror-Film-Actress Button”, by mistake.

But alas she is the nurse and you have to live with her for the duration of your stay. Worse still is when you hear the shrieking of patients all around you. If you spend enough time in a hospital you will come out convinced that the world is full of sadness, pain and unpayable bills. Your ears are constantly bombarded with cries of, “AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”, “NOOOO INJECTION!”, “Injections are okay, But what's that going in MY ASS!!!”, “AAAAAHHHHHH! THE BILL!” Hospitals are ironical places, because even if a man survives a heart attack, chances are slim that he’s going to survive the bill.

I just hope this Malaria pandemic meets a quinineful death and leaves me the lone survivor in this lonely world of malaria patients, hale and hearty. Maybe am immune to it after all or maybe my Baygon works better than yours. All that matters is that the future of Humankind depends on me.

- By Editor Man