Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday, July 05, 2010
Security is Overrated.
First, at the entrance of the mall, you will see an object that looks like a doorframe. Yes just the doorframe, without the door. This is a metal detector. Beside the metal detector, will usually be standing, a security guard who invariably has a moustache- they always have the moustache to make themselves look like security guards aka Anil Kapoor- who's sole purpose for standing their is to make sure you go through the metal detector. You can tell he isnt there to guard the mall but just to make you go through the metal detector by the fact that the only weapons he carries are a lathi, a bad expression and a rough voice. If you try going around the metal detector, something stirs in his cranium and he automatically starts speaking, "Sir, you must go from here." pointing at device. "Sir you must go from here." and he will repeat this infinitely until you do as he says.
Now on the other side of the metal detector, on the side where the guard isnt there, there will invariably be a woman standing behind a sort of desk. Who is this woman, you may ask? Is she the receptionist? Is she your long lost aunt Parmeshwari? No she isnt. She is basically the person with whom you have to leave your baggage while you walk through the metal detector. The moment you leave your bag with her she will begin acting like a racoon and start rummaging through your stuff in the hope of finding you guessed it, A BOMB, gun or secret assassins, in that order.
The reason security is overrated is that it is highly ineffectual, farcical and superficial, all those big words implying that it is useless. Because usually what happens is this:-
You walk up to the metal detector. You take off your bag and hand it to the racoon lady. Then you cat walk through the metal detector, which starts beeping like car stuck in rush hour traffic, because of the kitchen knife that you happen to be carrying in your pocket. The guard hears the beeping and he looks at you and smiles. You then proceed to collect your bag from the racoon lady. She as it turns out, hasnt been able to open your bag which is sealed by the highly sophisticated technology called the zip. She is still fumbling about trying to figure out your simple college bag, as if it were the sudoku.
So after waiting for a lifetime and three days, you ask her if you can be of some assistance. You open the bag for her and she looks inside briefly, sees a beer can, a pair of shorts, maybe an uneaten sandwich and quickly lets you go. She doesnt even bother to check the secret pocket in the side of your bag or the secret secret pocket inside the secret pocket, where you could easily have kept a bomb or two. It was as if they were told during their training, "Terrorists never try and hide their weapons. They keep the bomb in that part of the bag where its easiest to find. if you dont find it in the first glance then they probably dont have weapons."
Thats how ridiculous security at malls is. Even a newborn baby could walk into a mall with weapons off mass destruction.(But unfortunately since most newborns cant walk so this rarely happens.)
But am wondering what would the mall security do if someone actually walked in with a bomb and they managed to find it in the first compartment of his bag.
Bag-checking lady: Sir this is a bomb.
Terrorist: Ya i know.
Bag-checking lady: hmmm...wait a minute sir. Security guard, what are we supposed to do if someone walks in with a bomb?
Guard: I dont know. Maybe send him away.
Bag-checking Lady: Good idea. Sir am afraid bombs are not allowed in this mall. You could probably try the other one, which is just ten minutes away, because this is Mumbai where there are more malls than there are intelligent, effective security people.
Terrorist: Thanks a million for telling me that. If it weren't for you, i would have ended up going against your mall's security policy. Thank you. I'll try the other mall now. My mistake. Wont happen again.
On second thoughts, it is rather effective.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
LOVE IN THE TIME OF MALARIA
Kay he? Tumcha jara jastach prashna yeu lagle. Yes, I know the rainy season is more romantic than any other season. That is ok. Your hormones are raging and you just want some... love. Its ok. send in your questions. But not so many! My husband is also feeling like what you are feeling. he doesnt like when I am busy answering questions. He wants to keep my busy in another way.... ahem.
Ok... so the questions...
1) Maushi! I have a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I have sex, he starts squealing my name in this really high squeaky voice. I prefer low baritone voices. What do I do?
ANS: Well.. next time, just before you do it, tell him to put on a red costume and act like Mickey Mouse. That will make it more natural for you.. and also you will get to be Minnie Mouse, who is really HOT for a mouse. But make sure you get the right red costume. You dont want him to dress up in a Santa suit and squeak away. That will ruin your fetish for santa... ahem... i mean his voice.
2) L.M. I need your help. I have really curly hair and that is becoming a problem. Everytime my boyfriend and I start getting physical, his hand gets stuck in my bush and it really kills the mood. What do I do?
ANS: well sweety... i dont know if your talking bout the hair that is upstrairs or the one downstrairs. But wherever your curly hair problem is, I'v got just the solution for it. Go to a beauty salon and ask the lady to trim your hair. If it is upstairs, then have it straightened. If it is downstairs, then wax it off.... but make sure that you are not getting a manicure while you are getting waxed... you could ruin your nails and your downstrairs area each time she rips off your curls with hot wax...
3) Maushi... I am 19 years old. I did it with my HOT neighbour who did it with her boyfriend, who did it with a goat... But i only did it with her once last month... I am afraid I will get an STD... I was so afraid that I have started wearing condoms everyday.... I hear that they prevent STDs... Am I right?
ANS: Let me get this straight... you did it with her last month, and you are now wearing condoms everyday? boy, you are just too stupid to deal with... were you absent on the days that they had sex ed in school???? go to a doctor and find out if you have any STD... AND STOP WEARING CONDOMS FOR CHRISSAKE!!! ITS EMBARASSING...
if any of you have any questions at all, dont worry... just send me a message... but not if you are going to talk like this fellow up here who thinks condoms are like calcium sandos...
anyways... m off to have a little fun with my husband...
till my next post,
Love thy neighbour and his wife!
by Lauwandkar Maushi
Friday, July 02, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Religion of the 21st Century
1) Thou shalt not steal (The Government hates competition!)
2) Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy (but if you work weekends, you will get paid overtime.)
3) Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless your name is Tiger Woods or Bill clinton)
4) Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain (unless your in one of the planes that Osama has ordered to crash. Then you might as well say it. Your gonna die in a fiery hell as it is.)
5) Love thy neighbour (especially if she is HOT!)
6) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. (God had it wrong all along. Adam and Eve were just trying to stay healthy!)
7) Man is born good and kind. (then just send him to jihadi school on the Pakistani border. That will straighten him out)
8) Jesus should have been alive now. So that he could turn all the water into wine and all the trees into weed. the world would be a better place!
9) Do others as you would want others to do you.
10) If you commit no sins, you will get into heaven. (Mostly all religions say this. But the muslims version of this is so much cooler. Because according to them, if you get into heaven, you will have 72 virgins ready to fulfill all your sexual fanatsies)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Inaccurate headlines.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Chivalry.
Chivalry is totally dead. Just today I offered a girl (a pretty one I may add) my seat in the bus and she gave me such a dirty look that for a moment I was convinced I had asked her to bed. Now I wasn’t even really looking to get talking. She was in obvious trouble juggling her phone, her I pod, her purse, her hairclip and several other ‘girl’ things I could not identify and I just thought it would be easier for her to do her juggling act with a slightly lower center of gravity and a backrest. She, however, seemed to think I’m a perverted little bastard. Well my ego prevented me from giving her as much as a second glance (ok, not really) but I couldn’t help wondering how our generation of guys is going to ever get talking to a stranger of the fairer (ok, not really) sex.
The days of charming young gentlemen are gone, and it’s not their fault either. I for one am never offering my seat to anyone ever again.
Hot-O-Biography of a Nail Cutter.
Hullo my name is Apsara. Full name, Apsara Nail Cutters and Accessories. Off late I have been very depressed. I often feel like rusting and killing myself. I am writing this article for The Hot Spark in the hope that after I have taken out all my frustration I might feel a little bit better. So here goes...
Firstly, me and my 1000 brothers and sisters have never had the love of our parents. My Mother was a machine that used to mould hot molten iron into small little nail cutters like me and my father was a machine that used to package us into small little boxes. My parents live in a small factory in patna and me and my brothers and sisters were taken away from them right after we were born. I have grown up without the loving care of a mother and the hard discipline of a father and maybe that is why you think I am so cold, metallic and snappy. You see its not all my fault!
On top of that I hate my job. It just stinks! Imagine just waiting around for days at a stretch, waiting to be called into action and when the time finally comes, what do I have to do, but cut freaking nails! And that too would have been bearable if you humans learned to keep your feet clean. I just hate the days I have to cut your toe nails because your DIRTY FEET SMELL SO GODDAMN MUCH!
In fact they smell so much that I would rather die than go near your rotten stinking feet. And believe me I have tried killing myself but being a non-living object has its downsides. One of them being that its difficult to die! I have tried rusting myself to death but its not entirely in my hands you see because I need to be put in water for that to happen and those inconsiderate humans just don’t listen to my pleas!
Just like they don’t listen to me when I tell them not to press my head so hard when they are using me! I mean it freaking hurts! Wouldn’t it hurt you, if a gigantic thumb was pressing your head in really hard while you had your mouth stuffed with toe nails? It would right. The same way it hurts me too. And I keep yelling and shouting and sobbing and crying but they just don’t listen. They just keep pressing harder and harder till I bite right through their overgrown nails.
Am going to stop here because am getting a headache just thinking of it. So the next time you use a nail cutter just remember to press the head lightly and dip it in water so that it can happily rust in death rather than smell your smelly feet again!
Reproduced accurately and faithfully by Editor Man
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sweet Chillies- Episode 7
Part 1
The next few days saw groups of students sitting huddled together doing something, after which they would suddenly start laughing uncontrollably. At first look many thought that suddenly the entire student populace of Panchgani Institute of Commerce and Economics were sitting in their groups and rolling joints. However that was not the case. Careful inspection revealed that the kids used to sit around a mobile phone and laugh at a hilarious MMS that was being circulated around the entire college. The MMS showed one of the institutes students Sahil Shah stark naked, trying to make his “thing” stand-up so he could fornicate with Shweta Ajmera, unfortunately his “Main Point” refused to awaken.
The MMS had been passed about faster then the Brazilian football team can pass around a football. In no time nearly every mobile phone, had the video. It was spreading wild and fast, much like a forest fire.
Poor Sahil Shah, the protagonist of that unfortunate video clip. His life had come tumbling around him. It is tough enough to deal with the fact that your “organ” is not functioning properly at the tender age of 17, and then to add public humiliation because of it, is sheer torture. This used to actually be something that nazi’s used to do at concentration camps.
A day after the scandal broke, sahil entered class to be greeted by a moment of silence and then the whole class erupted into maniacal laughter. “Sahil! Am surprised to see you made it for the morning lecture. I thought you wouldn’t ‘get up!’” said Vicky. Vicky whose actual name was Vikram Singh Ahluwahlia, was a wannabe. Among other things, he really wanted to be cool. That's why he had kept his name Vicky and thought he looked really cool when he spoke as loud as a factory machine and ragged people by cracking stupid jokes on them.
Sahil quietly sat down. “I knew you would sit down. You cant ‘stand-up’ can you?” said Vicky and gave a really loud laugh.
Sahil remained quiet. “Hey Sahil! You are definitely not going to be a great man, because great men can ‘rise up to the occasion’!” cackled Vicky.
Sahil just kept counting sheep to keep his anger in control.
Part 2.
“Let him be you dimwit!” said Satyavardhan Singh, “What's your problem? You’re acting like you were left unsatisfied because of his problem.”
Vicky turned around. The smile had been wiped from his face. He looked around angrily as the entire now began laughing at him.
“Look whose talking! If it isn’t the world’s biggest liar himself. You know what if you were Pinocchio your nose would have been so long that it would have crossed the border and begun poking the Pakistani army.” Said Vicky.
“What do you mean by calling me a liar?” said Satyavardhan defensively.
“Oh really! I’ll tell you what I mean. When people ask you if you’ve studied for a test you say you haven’t. You say that you were playing computer games all night long. It turns out that you get the 3rd highest marks, and you don’t have a computer. When I asked you a stupid thing like the time just yesterday, you told me it was 8:30, when it was actually 10. You go around telling people that your father works in the film industry as a director. It turns out that your father is actually a stunt man. Do you want any more evidence, me lord?”
Satyavardhan was silent. “The case is closed. I win.” Said Vicky and stalked off.
