Baba Rand Dev: Inner Peace

Yo! My loving follower’s how are y’all today? Do you feel the peace? Do you feel the love? Do you feel the frigging summer heat? If you do, then you are getting closer to a stage I call, ‘nowhere’. Keep it up, and keep at it.

Today I will be addressing a very important topic in the growth of your spirituality. I will be speaking on how to achieve and maintain Inner Peace.

Baba Rand Dev’s Ways to Achieving and Maintaining Inner Peace:

1. 1. Wear good quality, nice-fitting underwear:

Inner peace involves being at peace with everything that is inside, including ones inner garments. One cannot expect to maintain peace if one is constantly disturbed with violent thoughts of adjusting, scratching and shifting. The right underwear must let in ample air, must provide adequate space and must not itch, scratch or bite.

2. 2. Dont Murder:

One cannot maintain inner peace when one murders other people. This is because then one will have to be like a marathon runner, always on the run. Inner peace can never be achieved when one has to get rid of the body, hide the evidence and avoid getting caught. Try pick-pocketing instead.

3. 3. Meditate on the right things:

A lot of people have lost their inner peace because they have not meditated on the right things. One must learn to meditate on the finer things in life such as: Hot Babes/Hunks/Paro(depending on sexual preference and whether your name is Devdas), Sports cars/Designer clothes(depending on gender) and Martini Cocktails. One has never got inner peace by suppressing these thoughts. People who suppress these thoughts become suicidal depressives, for example Devdas.

4. 4. Shut your conscience up:

It is ok to murder one’s conscience because one cannot feel guilty once one’s conscience is killed. Once your conscience is dead you are free to eat as many dark chocolate cream filled doughnuts, without something inside you going, “uh-oh! Someone broke a dieting promise.” You can also lie, steal and be evil to people and still feel as happy as a person whose just slept with a filmstar! This is the key to inner peace. Kill your conscience and peace shall follow.

Peace.

Love and Hugs.

Take Care.

Ciao.

BRD.

Tabasco Sauce... by Nachos

Life's Like That: Picking the right curtains

It was that time again, when I realize that my curtains need changing. It usually happens once in ten years when I see that the curtains I had put up a decade ago are now reduced to shreds of cloth hanging on my windows.

Anyway the time had come to change my curtains and I dreaded it deeply. I consider the picking of curtains a very important event in my life, behind brushing, staring at cows and eating chocolate chip cookies. I give it so much importance because I believe that curtains are like girlfriends, once you pick them you’re stuck with them.

Anyway the point is, I desperately needed the new curtains because the shreds that I had hanging from the window sill were very inadequate in keeping the kid from the opposite building out. let me explain. You see I live on the tenth floor of my building. On the tenth floor of the building opposite mine lives a 15 year old pimply teenager whom we shall call monty. Now monty has a queer habit of using a telescope, in the daytime, and directing it at my house, while am changing. Its really embarrassing to have a 15 year old BOY, peeking at you with a telescope and my ragged curtains don’t seem to deter this voyeur. Now I know what it feels like to take part in Bigg Boss.

My favourite colour is red. My curtains are old and yellow. You may ask how? You may think that I have the intelligence of a mongoose, for knowing my favourite colour and then choosing something totally different. And I would have agreed with you had I picked yellow curtains. But the fact was that I chosen red curtains and right after the first wash they had lost all their colour just like a person loses all colour when faced by a hungry lion. In three washes it went from red to orange to creamy red to yellow. And then it got old and looks like see through dress hung up to dry.

That's the other problem with it, its too flimsy and transparent. When I buy my curtain am going to make sure its thicker than the skin of an adult water buffalo because my current curtains let in far too much. Neither does it keep out the sunlight nor does it keep out that pesky kids prying telescope.

I wouldn’t have made such a fuss over my curtains if it weren’t for the main problem that I face every time I go looking for curtains. Before I go into my problem a few quick questions...

Q1. What would you do if you had vanilla blue pants?

Q2. What colour of shirt matches with vanilla blue pants?

Q3. Wouldn’t Govinda look good wearing vanilla blue pants?

Q4. Is there really a colour such as vanilla blue?

Q5. Why are there so many irrelevant questions on Vanilla Blue?

The reason I asked you so many questions on the colour vanilla blue is that my walls are vanilla blue in colour and am not qualified enough to know whatever the heck colour of curtains matches with Vanilla blue. All I know is that red, orange, creamy red and yellow curtains do NOT go with Vanilla Blue walls. If you know what goes with it, do let me know. Till then maybe I could ask the kid with the telescope, when he comes over for dinner later tonight.

By Editor Man

Sweet Chillies- Episode 4

Part 1

Rachit Vohra was fuming. He was so angry that had he met someone smaller than 4 feet and weighing less than 35 kgs, he would have surely tried beating him up. Alas he met nobody of those dimensions so he wrote a poem expressing his pain and anguish instead.

That's when the idea to take revenge on that rascal, Siddharth Mallvya! Rachit got up excitedly and hurried to the canteen. It was 7 o clock in the evening, the time when the canteen became the Adda! He entered the canteen a bit scared. Sitting on one of the tables was the girl he was looking for. She sat cross legged on the table, in a purple saree and a green blouse, with her eyes closed having 7 hefty boys who each looked like they could swing a buffalo by its tale and throw it in a pond 40 feet away, around her.

She was the Saree-don! Her name was actually Pushpa Gokhale, but her colourful language, tapori attitude and sharp and evil mind had made her the official Don of the college. She was always surrounded by these 7 future Mr. India contestants who worked for her in conducting contract beatings, extortion, spying, drug and booze trafficking and other shady deals for monetary and other incentives. She was called Saree-don because she always wore a nice navari saree each day, which showed off her rippling muscles.

When Rachit entered the canteen the hefty boys looked at him and started laughing. One came up to him and asked him what he wanted, “Fuck off, dickhead!” were his exact words.

“I.. I... Want to talk to Saree-don... gulp!” said rachit.

“who wants to see me?” said the saree-don, taking out her earphones and opening her eyes.

Part 2

Aditya had followed Siddharth’s advice and had called up prity and told her that he wanted to break up with her. Half of her started crying while the other half of her personality insulted him so much, that his accounts professor’s screaming seemed like pleasant conversation in comparison. But he didn’t give in to either of her personalities. He had always dreamed off a threesome but never in his wildest dreams had he thought it would involve him and two split personalities.

Prity was already split in her mind, but when she heard Aditya wanted to break up, she couldnt handle it anymore. She began weeping uncontrollably like a 5 year old girl who’s just discovered that her puppy got flattened by a truck. It was in that moment that she sunk into a depression greater than the one that had rocked the financial world. She decided to take a drastic step.

Once she had had a big fat black rat that looked nothing as cute as mickey mouse, come in to her room and make her jeans into 3/4ths and her t-shirts into sleeveless. During that time she had bought a bottle of rat poison. The rat had dies in half a teaspoon itself so she still had quite a bit left.

She went to her desk, wrote a letter, blaming everything except global warming and child labour on Aditya. She signed her name below. Then she picked up cell and called Aditya. She told him she was going far far away from him. He told her to pack well, to take a fresh set off underwear and not to forget to pack her toothbrush. She said she wouldn’t forget and kept the phone. Then she took a glass poured the poison into it, put in two ice cubes and had it slowly, On the Rocks.

Why Sachin Touches Himself...

Sachin Tendulkar is a great guy. He is one of the greatest sportsmen ever and definitely the greatest Batsman in the history of cricket. Among his other Great achievements, which include getting the most test runs(13,447), most one day international runs(17,598) and most runs in a single one day innings(200), sachin is also the greatest batsman to have constantly touched himself. He also has more crotch adjusts(15,716) and genital scratches(15,634) than other Batsman. Records that few are ever going to beat, let alone attempt.

So what is that has helped the master blaster achieve these incredible feats? What is the secret behind these mind-boggling statistics of self-touching?

Here are the reasons why Sachin Tendulkar is miles ahead of any batsman in his or any other generation, when it comes to crotch adjusts, and genital scratches:

1. Lucky Charm: Sachin considers the act of giving the pecker a quick peck, a lucky charm. Just one touch or adjust and he believes he will be dispatching those incoming balls to the other side of the fence. The funny thing is it works! Other Batsmen would have tried it but this ritual kind of has a tendency of ruining all the reputation you build by scoring those countless centuries.

2.To check if its still there: When you are facing bowlers like Brett lee, Shane Bond, Shoaib Akhtar and the fast dude from west indies, all of whom are faster than Japanese bullet trains, there is a chance that your balls might end up in your mouth. Sachin cannot afford to show any signs of fear(though he might feel it) on the pitch. So he tries Keeping calm and ensuring that his balls stay firmly in their place before deliveries. Also when you have a voice like his, you have to keep checking if you are still a man.

3. Itching : just because he his Sachin Tendulkar, the greatest Batsman in the world and a God in most parts of india, doesn’t mean he isn’t affected by things that affect human beings. Namely itching. Everytime you see him reach for crotch and adjust his legs you get a feeling that there is something inside his pant that urgently requires the attention of Itchguard dermatological cream. You just know he is just waiting to score his 100 and then get in that changing room and scratch “The AREA” to his hearts content. P.S. scratching with gloves on is DAMN tough.

4. Tight Underwear :80% men adjust their private part because of tight underwear. Who knows maybe the Great man has been wearing the wrong size of underwear all these years. Maybe his ‘little master’ isn’t that little and he doesn’t know his actual size and has been wearing one size too small all these years. This has probably led him to adjust his ‘thing’ during the match so that he can focus on scoring his century rather than how uncomfortable he feels in his tight underwear. Sachin isn’t the only Hero to have faced this problem. The other great men to have had problems with tight underwear are Superman, Batman, He-man and Spiderman(who had his underwear covering his entire body!)

5. Optimizing Performance: there is nothing like a slight touch to the self, to get the blood flowing and have the testosterone pumping through your veins. This might be the secret trick that sachin uses to help him get that extra energy that is needed when his score is at 99 and he has to push to that 100, once again. Everytime he needs that little extra bit, he just reaches down and gives his ‘little master’ a pat to arouse it into performance and help him ensure that his bat does the talking ;)

Sachin Tendulkar we salute you! You have made your country proud by holding the records for most crotch adjusts and genital scratches! You truly are a legend and may your legend never fade!

By The Matador

Hangovers

The first thing I think about when I go out drinking is ‘What’s my schedule tomorrow?‘ or more specifically ‘Is there anything I have to do tomorrow that can’t be done with a nasty headache?’. If you’ve read some of my other articles you’ll know that the answer to those questions is usually no. But everyone is not that lucky and hence hangovers are a bigger problem than world peace.

Apparently people understand less about hangovers than about female psychology. Hence we have no sure shot remedies. Drink water, eat green chillis, have lemon... all that simply doesn’t work. The only known way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk.

Apart from this the Fly Thought of the Day:

Rock is overrated. I know a lot of people will kill me for saying that but it is true. Look at diamond for example. Is it really worth the price?

By The Fly

Kahaan Kab Kaise?-Ep 8

(In the last episode you saw the small daughter-in-law(choti bahu) of the house, Gori, feeling jealous by Champi’s resounding ugliness. Gori then goes and bitches to Sassu-Maa about Champi and whispers many lies in Sassu-Maa’s ears. Sassu-Maa being a gullible old cow believes all that she is told and the two of them begin plotting against Champi)

Aur Ab Aage(AAA)

Many days have gone by and Gori and Sassu-maa spent their time waiting, plotting and hosting kitty parties.

Finally they decided to strike. One day they meet Champi while she is coming out of the bathroom after having had a bath...

Gori: psst... Champi, come here, we have some bad news for you.

Champi: what is it? What happened?

Sassu-maa: tell her gori...(turns her face away and gives evil smile.)

Gori: We have just found out that Bachhu is actually having an affair with 21 girls. (DHANA DHANA)

Champi: thats Impossible!

Sassu-maa: Did I tell you that my son’s nickname is Tiger Woods.

Gori: We have evidence as well.

She takes out a white shirt with freshly made lipstick stains, a ball of hair fresh from the bathroom and a letter saying “I love you too, Neelratan”.

Champi: NAHIIINNNN! What should I do now?(sobbing slightly)

Sassu-maa: Kill my son!

Champi: No, I don’t feel like just yet.

Gori: Why don’t you also have an affair?

Champi: hmm, ok I’ll try...

Their plan was working. They wanted Champi to have an affair and then they would gather evidence against her, possibly make a videotape and expose her, quite literally, in front of the entire family. MUHAHAHA.

Champi tried very hard to get someone to have an affair with but alas she was only 8 years old and there were no paedophiles in the village. Only one old, old man called Talwar Singh agreed to do it, but his Talwar had grown to rusty and wasn’t in working condition. Besides he took the phrase ‘sleep with me’ too literally and was fast asleep even before the clock struck 9, having taken his diabetes tablets and sleeping pills.

When Sassu-maa and Gori found out that no one wanted to have an affair with Champi...

Sassu-maa: damn!

Gori: lets just kill her off and finish it once and for all!

Sassu-maa: but how?

Gori: I’ve already thought of that...

And she took out a small bottle.

Gori: this bottle contains the poison of a rare south American frog, which is very lethal and cannot be detected. I bought it from a Russian arms dealer called mendelov.

Instead of getting alarmed about why her daughter-in-all was in contact with Russian arms dealers...

Sassu-maa: Brilliant! Now what?

Gori: (mission impossible music) This Champi is very fond of bournvita, she has it twice a day, once in the morning, once at night. The next time she has it we dump the poison in it and then watch her as she flops around and dies!

Together: MUHAHAHA.

Champi was in the kitchen making bournvita, when Gori enters...

Gori: what are making Champi?

Champi: bournvita...

Gori: look dancing squirrel!!!

Champi: where where???

While Champi is distracted gori empties out the entire bottle into the bournvita...

Gori: nevermind, it went away.

And Gori walks out of the kitchen acting like a dancing squirrel. 15 minutes later a cry rings out in the Chustia household. Everybody rushes to Champi’s bedroom and there they see Champi’s husband Bacchu, flopping about on the floor like a dying fish!

Sassu-maa: OH MY GOD! BACCHU! Champi YOU BITCH, THAT POISON WAS MEANT FOR YOU! NAAHHHHIIIINNN!

Champi: there was poison in my bournvita? No one this happened. All this while I was thinking that he was dying because of my awful cooking.

Gori: Yes there was poison in your bournvita! I had put it there! YOU RUINED MY PLAN! WHY DID YOU GIVE IT TO HIM! YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD IT YOURSELF!

Champi: If you had told me before that you wanted to kill me, I would have told you that I was going to make another cup for myself later. Tcha! Now look what a mess you’ve made.

The police were called and Sassu-maa and Gori were put in jail and sentenced to 20 years imprisonment for successful attempt to murder. Champi was inconsolable over the loss of her beloved husband. She wouldn’t talk to anyone in the house for 65 whole minutes. She began wearing white clothes(jeans and shirts) and started living the life of a widow, only going out to play 3 times a week and she also started going to school. Champi continued to live in the Chustia household and by and by time went by. Little did she know how her life was going to change Bees Saal Baad(BSB)...

END OF SEASON 1.

(to see life grating Champi’s brains on a cheese grater, tune in next season! Till then hope you enjoyed the ride! Adieu! Take Care! Ciao!)

Rotten Mangoes

Like it or the summer is here to stay and with it comes the disgusting summer heat. But the only thing worse than the stinking, scorching summer heat is a crate of rotten mangoes. Especially when you’ve paid more money for it than you would pay a hooker for a blowjob.

It really is a disgusting feeling, to be sitting in this killing heat, paying attention to the sweat trickling down your back and feeling in general like some dirty farm animal. It is in times like these that your mind battles its urges to use the nearest rope and fan to rid yourself off your suffering by thinking of the most pleasurable thing at hand: The crate of mangoes you bought from that persistent fruitwala for a sum of money that could make your grandparent’s heart attack them.

So in a move that will make all the sweating and sweltering in this heat worth it, you open the crate. Inside are sitting big, juicy mangoes, all nice and yellow on the outside, lying seductively on their bed of hay. You reach out your lusty hands and grab two of the finest and give them a gentle squeeze. And to your disgust they squash in your hands and a dirty smell oozes out of them as if the mangoes had farted.

You think its a one off incident. So what if two mangoes were rotten you still have a whole crate left, you think. So you pull out two more and dump them on a plate. Then you fetch a knife and then with the love of a plastic surgeon operating on Pamela anderson’s breasts, you nicely cut the mangoes up. You lovingly pick one peice up. your mouth is watering like a cloud on a rainy day. You take a bite. And your taste buds suddenly roll over and die. The thing tastes worse than a dead rat. If you were a crow you might even have enjoyed it but alas you aren’t.(are you?)

You slowly realise that the persistent fruitwala made a sucker out of you. All the magoes on top are rotten, like fish caught from a pond which is used as dumping site for industrial waste. You suddenly realise that there are only 12 mangoes on top, when it is a box of 24. You frantically throw around the straw to find the remaining 12 mangoes, but there are none! Suddenly you find a note at the bottom of the crate, “ENJOY THE MANGOES! SUCKER!- WITH LOVE, YOUR FRUITWALA” and then you finally decide to use the rope and the fan.

By Editor Man

Tabasco Sauce... by Nachos

Tabasco Sauce , based on our all new soap, Sweet Chillies is out!!! For all those readers who are too lazy to read, you can catch our characters in action right here in visuals!!

Baba Rand Dev: Stories

Yo! Is the peace running through you’ll my loving followers. Do you feel the peace? Do you feel the harmony? Do you feel like scratching your left groin? Today am going to enlighten you my loving followers about the Way To Lead A Purposeful and Meaningful and Awful Life(WLAPAMAA) through a little story, but right after I finish my drink.

Aah, I have quaffed my drink and for those who were wondering what it was let me make it clear that it was an orange juice.

Now for the story. Once upon a time there lived two friends. Let us call them “Himesh Reshamwala” and “Padmabhushan Puraskar”. They were both gardeners and they both lived next to each other. Himesh lived next to Padmabhushan and Padmabhushan also lived next to Himesh.

Everyday Himesh would peek over the small fence they had erected to separate their gardens and to practice hurdling with, and he(Himesh) would see that the grass was indeed greener on the other side. For Padmabhushan’s grass was a bright luscious, rich and aromatic green while his own grass looked more like something between hay and little red pimples.

He grew very jealous of his ‘good’ friend, Padmabhushan, and so his inner peace was getting eaten away like wood, infested by giant wood-eating termites. Soon he couldnt take it anymore and came hurrying to me and he told me his problems. After hearing him out patiently and at the same time clipping my toe nails a solution struck me.

I said to him, “Himesh, my son, you are confused and lost. You have strayed off the normal path. That is why the first thing I suggest to you is that you learn to read a map. However the answer to your troubles is very simple. If the grass is greener on the other side then it is because you are not using the correct manure. Remember that grass is like a woman, if you don’t give her make-up she will look ugly. Manure is the make-up of grass. I recommend you use manure manufactured by Raja fertilizers and Company. And it is not because they have paid me Rs. 300 crore to recommend their brand to you, nor is it because they are giving me an all expenses paid trip to the Bahamas. So go now and buy Raja Fertilizers today(preferably 3 packets, because if you buy 3 you get 1 free!) and make your grass as green as the other side!”

So remember my disciples if your grass is not as green as your neighbours, then its probably because you are not using the right manure. May the peace be with you. Love. Hugs and Kisses. Take Care. Ciao.