Expert Advice Brought To You By Everybody.

We are a nation of one billion cricket experts. Turn on a match and everybody has a very vocal opinion about it. Some look at the game objectively, some provide a statistical view and some obviously raise grave cricketing issues like, “Why is the beer over?”

The criteria for being an Indian Cricketing expert are as follows:

1.     1. You must have sound cricketing knowledge. Knowing who Sachin Tendulkar is, will do.

2.       2. You must be able to articulate your thoughts in a concise manner. Articulate standing for Scream and concise meaning Loudly.

3.      3. You must know Sachin Tendulkar.

We’re a country that is very passionate about our cricket. Which is actually a clever excuse we’ve developed to basically act like preachy idiots when it comes to cricket.

When a match is being watched on the telly, it is common practice to pretend like we’re cricket coaches with 19 years of experience. We’ll be critising every shot that doesn’t go for a four. ‘Tcha! What an @#$%^! He should be playing the straight drive there.” And we’ll be staring at the screen with eyes bulging, shouting, “TWO! TWO! RUN TWO RUNS!” When we hardly know where the ball or the fielders are because the camera is focusing on Deepika Padukone’s face.

If only we were as expertly informed on earning money or looking good as we are about the dimensions of Yuvraj’s paunch, India would be a better place. In fact our GDP would match Sehwag's run rate, if only we knew our own work as well as we know cricket. We know every player and substitute that has gone through the ranks of the Indian team along with their position, style of play and colour of underwear but we can’t seem to recall a thing at the monthly review meeting, including the name of the company we work for.

Usually we don’t have any intelligent insight to offer either. When a catch is dropped there’s usually a discussion that lasts for days which points out that the catch would have been taken, if only Raina hadn't dropped it. We're also known to make expert predictions like: Today, Sachin will not score a century. Of course these statements are made on the basis of strong statistically data which suggests that it is very unlikely for Sachin to score a century when he’s not playing due to injury.

And we, everyday experts, always talk in a particular manner. Its a style we’ve picked up from listening to Ravi Shastri for longer than is good for health.

Expert 1: Munaf has good length.

Expert 2: Yes, and Virat Kohli is stroking the balls so well.

Expert 3: But he should have better shot selection. A cover drive might have worked better than the tequila shot.

But without the cricketing experts, the country would be really silent. Cricket conversation makes up 87% of all the conversation that happens in India. The remaining 13% consists of asking, “Why is the beer still over?”

Walk Of The Humanoid

The other day while walking back home from college, I saw these group of kids, those who prefer a latto than a beyblade.

They were catching and looping Dragon flies into a knot, perhaps making them their forced pet. A thought was about to hit me but technology interrupted my brain cells and I got a ring from my mother to get some rat-extinguishing spray on my way back home. By the time the call got cut and I was passing by my ‘College Katta’ where I saw humanoids playing some loud music in their transporting devices. This was amusing because, there was no one dancing in or around the car except for the smoke evacuating out of the people standing around the vehicle.

I waved at them, continued walking and thought to myself ‘Why do I know and how do I know these self-proclaimed beings’. I thought,drooled,danced,ran,jumped,digested and burped this attention seeking subject  but there was no perfect answer to it then, but then I thought ‘They might be thinking the same thing about me'.

Strolling along I reached the bus stop, waiting for the bus to reach. I plugged my earphones and I thought to myself ‘Am I thinking too much’. A dog was pleasing his nose near the stop, but the two North Indian auntie’s near me wearing their blingy mirrored ferozee redish orangish reflective dress thought for some reason the dog was checking them out. The auntie’s got paranoid at the dog and scuttled him away. It was then the dog saw them and got amazed at the glow oozing out of the women, but it was no aura, they were the mirrors on their dress. The dog hopped away on his four legs, the women felt proud. I felt pity for the dog, but was happy for him that he was color blind.

A relatively empty bus arrived, but still humanoids did fight to get in. I waited for the smoke gas developed from slangs and spit thrown at each other to settle and then placed my posterior on a vacant seat. I got a window seat.

Later a man, quite a rational looking man came and sat beside me and for some reason he shut the window which I was sitting next to. After 5 minutes of silence from him he began clapping and throwing his fists wildly and Mohammad Ali in the air.  After 30 odd seconds I realized he was trying to kill a mosquito.

The thought which technology had earlier interrupted occurred again; We humanoids are the self proclaimed hierarchy on Earth. Thanks to Steven Spielberg and Jadoo we do not think of being the ultimate species in the entire Universe. The walk from outside my college till the man sat down besides me was all evidence of it.

Dragon Fly: Like it’s a species of insects which do not do any harm to us, just fly around in their own leisure clan, but we humans have to interrupt this. This is what a dragon fly would be thinking before it’s caught “Lalalalalalalalala, such a pleasant climate, ooh those two-legged vertebral kids are pointing at me, they are calling me a dragon fly??? Wow does this mean I am Chinese? Or does this mean I can breathe fire? wait let me ask papa  ” by the time the fly turns around to ask his father, he is caught by a kid and he never got to know about what he was and why he was called a dragon fly”.

The call from my mother: She told me to get a rat extinguisher. Rats are not some idiots, are they? I suppose even they would know what is in the food! Humans are at the hierarchy on the pyramid of starvation and that is because of our very nature of being choosey. For the record, ‘In Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy a fictious book by Douglas Adams puts an opinion across whether Earth was build by mice or not. This has been a very successful book and a few years ago also had a movie made about it’.

The College Katta: Now that the entire human species thinks of itself being the most superior breed of mammals existing, then there has to be an Alpha group in every breeding ground. For the same nature of thought the acquaintances of mine were playing music beyond noise decibels and had a look on their faces which said they were thinking this “I am cool,yes I am cool, I am so bloody cool, no I am hot. . .no I am hot and cool, I am HOCOL. This is going to be my facebook status update”  and I bet they would have added a *B-)* emotion to it.

The Bus Stop: Now while waiting for the bus to arrive there were these two North Indian aunties. I am a North Indian myself and I still do not know why these aunties were wearing Christmas decoration on their clothes. But now about this dog; the dog was just sniffing around, like that’s what dogs do. How humans think their superior, how the weighing machine at the railway platform tells you your weight (The fortune telling is complimentary) similarly, a dog sniffs for a living. But the ‘Aunties’ wanted to be the eye candy for the dog. Agreed the color of their clothes was candy-ish. But pity the dog I say.

Now the Man besides Me:  He is still trying to catch that mosquito, which now I think is four seats away and going out of the bus. But this Man wants to prove himself ‘that he is the superior being, so why not kill a mosquito and prove myself that I am bigger than the Blood Sucking Rascal’.

While I was thinking this my thought was interrupted by a roar from the man besides me “I killed you… you blood sucking rascal… I am bigger and mightier than you!”

My brain cells were numb after that, I went home garnished my entire house with the rat extinguisher and without eating any food, I hit the bed.

The next day was a new day, and to my mother’s surprise ‘There were no dead rats’. I just smiled to myself and did not put another thought to it.

By GautamGotiGotwa

(*Gautam GotiGotwa, regardless of his name is a real person and currently studies in TYBMM in Swami Vivekanand College)

Nobodies perfect. That's why everybody has a New Year’s resolution.

The new year has arrived. Call me a pessimist but I have a feeling it’s going to be the same as last year. Full of scams, bad films and broken New Year resolutions.

Every 31^st night, with the dawn of a new year around the corner, people universally begin to see themselves in true light. They realise mistakes made throughout the year and notice their shortcomings when it finally hits them that they’ve seen all 5 Akshay Kumar films this year(and most of MasterChef too).

No but seriously, every year end people introspect and begin to see the sea slugs that they really are. The new year offers them a new beginning to change or improve or to generally just avoid habits that end in “ ..is sentenced to 25 years of hard labour”.

That's why most resolutions are a killjoy. New Year Resolutions are defined as, “short, sharp statements which bind one to stop a pleasant activity or to start an unpleasant one.

Example: Stop eating blueberry cheesecakes.

                 

                Start studying.”

All New Year Resolutions come with an expiry date. They last for an astounding time span, a grand total of 24 hours. In a lot of ways resolutions are like bollywood actresses, you don’t remember them when they get old after which they perform only on 31^st night. And the main reason resolutions are like all news bulletins on India TV: forever breaking, is that they’re very unrealistic. Because let’s face it, your waist isn’t going from a Jayalalitha to a Kareena Kapoor in one year.

New year’s resolutions are rather obvious too. If you weigh 117 kg, your resolution would be to lose weight, if you smoke so much that scientists agree that the depletion of the ozone layer is your fault, then your resolution would be to quit and if your name is Rajnikanth then you wouldn’t have resolutions. Resolutions would have you.

Resolutions are hard things to stick to. They have the non-stickiness of a non-sticky frying pan. It’s always the same story, every New Year. You start the year, with that wonderful feeling that distinguishes a New Year day from other days, that’s right, the feeling of a massive throbbing hangover. When you eventually regain your ability to carry out basic bodily functions, you decide to stick to your resolution of not having more alcohol than the amount of weight you had resolved to lose last year(17,000 tonnes).

You write it down in a spanking new diary, because no new year is complete without scribbling something in a fresh diary which you will feel too lazy to write in, come January the third. However it’s all downhill from there. The resolutions you make are hard to stick to because you can’t be firm on yourself, you begin to expect things to change instantaneously or you generally don’t like the idea of not drinking.

That's how it’s been for me all along. In fact I have a backlog of pending Resolutions that would make the babu’s at the lower parel post office, look pretty darn productive in comparison. That's why this year I decided to make resolutions that I knew I would fulfil. My New Year resolutions for 2011 are:

1. Start ogling at the entire Victoria’s Secret Winter Collection Catalogue.

2. Stop my girlfriend from finding out about it.

3. Change my name to Rajnikanth.

India Has Agriculture But Still Can't Field.

Somehow the Indian Cricket Team and Good Fielding do not fit in the same sentence. Except probably that one.

The Indian Cricket Team has never ever been known as a good fielding unit. That's because when it comes to fielding they are like pigeons, not the most agile and with a lot of droppings.

The importance of fielding probably came to light when cricket turned toward the one day format. The reduced time implied reduced runs and we all know what that meant, thats right: Unhappy batsmen. No seriously, it meant better fielding. Never before had fielding looked so exciting as in the 1992 world cup when jonty Rhodes scampered across from point and flew through the air and ran out Inzamam Ul Haq. That's not saying much because EVERYBODY ran out Inzamam ul haq. However that one moment in cricketing history will forever be remembered for the agility and presence of mind shown by Jonty and the brilliant imitation of a running sack of potatoes by Haq.

In more recent days, the difference between excellent sides(Australia) and very good ones(India, Pakistan and My Gulli Cricket Team) has come to be fielding. At the end of the day or 5 days or 3 hours, fielding saves runs, puts pressure on the batting side and is the only way bowlers get away with bad deliveries.

Seeing the Indian cricket team in the field gets really embarrassing at times. Our fielders often drop the simplest of catches, fumble with the ball for long stretches of time(48 hours) before throwing it back.  And we aren’t very good at throwing either. We have poor throwing actions, weak arms and the accuracy of a weather report.

That's why Indian cricketers use a very primitive technique to get opposition players run out. Its called Miscommunication. They simply wait until the opposition has this sort of conversation.

Batsman: RUN!

Non-Striker: OK!

(goes half-way down the pitch and for some reason cant make it back in the 48 hours it takes the Indian fielders to run him out)

Non-striker: Why the hell did you say run?

Batsman: I didn’t say run. I said Ranthambore. You must have misheard me.

Arguably one of the best fielders to emerge from India in recent times has been you guessed it: Ramesh Powar.  No seriously, it’s Yuvraj Singh. But even he’s not in shape nowadays, unless your idea of fitness involves looking like a hot air balloon. Fitness has been the bane of many an Indian cricketer past and present. Even the best batsman in the world, Sachin Tendulkar looks chubby even after a good day in the gym. And it’s not just the “No-Paunch-bulging-out” fitness that the team lacks in, its also the general fitness that makes for competent athletes that’s missing. That's why Indian fielders dont race after a boundary-headed ball. They waddle behind it like ducks.

And you will never see a really stunning catch coming from the Indian Cricket Team. You’ll rarely see an Indian fielder fly through the air and snatch a streaking ball straight from the sky. By throwing himself at the ball the Indian fielder risks getting his clothes dirty, getting injured or worse, looking really stupid when he misses the ball completely. The only thing he stands to gain is a wicket and a mention in the “(Insert Brand Name Here) moment of day” on the post match show, which nobody watches.

But what defines Indian fielding is the proverbial fumbling. Every match offers the same spectacle. The ball is skimming over a lush turf at a crisp pace, the Indian fielder readies himself to receive it by dipping his fingers in car lubricant. He bends to scoop the ball up but alas it goes through his fingers like a ghost. He then scampers back to retrieve it. He spends half hour in collecting a ball that’s now rather stationary and then somehow manages to throw it a few kilometres wide of the wicketkeeper. India has the rare ability of converting a single into two and very often three runs, now if only they could do this while batting. 

The Hot Strip by Tanzania!

Your Hair is As Good As The Adjectives It Has.

Although the UN haven’t officially made the change yet, am pretty convinced that the three basic necessities for life are: Food, Shelter and Hair Care. And here’s why.

Except for that one time when it was decided that cavewomen would have less facial hair to aid in gender differentiation, never has the hair been discussed more than it is being today. Suddenly, we seem to be living in a world which needs to have every adjective in the English language attached to their hair(Lustrous, Shiny, Bouncy, Noisy, Happy, Inquisitive, Squeaky and Shy)

If you switch on your television right now, you will be assaulted by a large number of TV commercials about Hair Care products(56 million) within the span of a really short time(1/17^th of a second).  The sheer volume of these commercials are enough to convince me that the world economy depends on the state of my hair.

Hair Care basically means, ensuring that your hair does not resemble anything found on Anil Kapoor’s chest. Hair must be well looked after, through the use of several products, adequate diet and occasionally police protection. Good hair is the result of your shampoo mating with your conditioner and hair oil.

Although it sounds really easy when put like that, in reality this business of shampooing is tough. Depending on your hair type and the dermatological problem that you are facing you will have to use a specific shampoo. For example, there’s one shampoo for dry hair only, one for making it smooth and silky. But that wont make your hair long and strong. For that there’s a different shampoo. Thinking logically and like a true gujrati, if you mixed the smooth and silky shampoo and the long and strong shampoo, you would get, you guessed it - Hair Loss. Now you know why the word shampoo has the words 'sham' and 'poo' built into it.

Apparently shampoos take out all the dirt and grime that accumulates in your hair because of the oil you use. And being an Indian I am sure you use it. Hair oil has become a part of India’s heritage and it’s use on the head is our gift to the world. For the longest time people thought that oil was just used to make cars run or to fry omelettes, until India showed the world that oil could be rubbed into your hair as well. It was found that Hair oil was an excellent substance to give your hair the health and nourishment that comes with being sticky enough to accumulate every particle of dust on the way from the grocery store to your house. In addition hair oil smells. I never really bonded with one of my distant aunts because she always had this vile smelling hair oil on and I could never manage to find my gas mask when she visited. 

Without oil, hair shows the classic withdrawal symptoms of the oil addict. It becomes rough, dry and frizzy. That is why it is important to know how to apply it correctly.

Applying oil the right way:

1. Heat oil to a warm temperature before applying. Ensure that the oil is not too hot because that would make it an ancient Chinese torture technique.

2. Make partitions in your hair while oiling. This allows oil to spread into all areas of the scalp and makes you look like a more authentic government official. 

3. Massage gently for 10 to 15 minutes. For best results ensure that the massage does not stray below the head.

4. Leave the oil for atleast 5 to 6 hours. This ensures that you leave oil prints all over the pillows and lets the oil sink into the scalp and disappear into your body.

5. Oil atleast once a week and if your hair is still very dry, try setting it on fire. You’ll be surprised at how well it’ll burn.

Am sure when Historian’s of the future, if they ever get the time from taking care of their hair, ever look back at our era, they will brand this moment in history as the Hair Care Revolution. And the only one's who will be left out of this utopian world of perfect hair will be the bald people. For everyone else, the future looks oily. 

Mankind evolved as a Gift for Women.

Right since the dawn of time a question has fogged the minds of men. A question that has never found an accurate answer, just like some other foggy questions (How did the universe come into existence? Is there life after death? And why is it necessary to wear matching socks?) Countless men have tried and failed, thought and got flummoxed, executed and got much of the same, over the immortal question, “What gift should I get my girl?”

Before trying to answer this question, let’s look at the history of the Gift. The gift giving tradition has been traced back to primitive ages where females used this technique to ascertain which male they would mate with, depending on the quality of his gift. Hence the strong, beefy cave-men, who brought back pendants made out of mammoth hair and tyrannosaurus tooth, stood more of a chance with the ladies than the scrawny chaps who thought a cave painting would make for a good gift. In fact, fire was invented as a birthday gift and the wheel so that a man could cart a dead brontosaurus to his woman on their 1^st anniversary.

Unfortunately this unjust tradition has lingered on and millions of men still continue to get yelled at, dumped or are refused sex for years at end, for coming short in the gifts department. Woman swoon over men who have good gift giving capacity. It’s for this same reason that talented men are called gifted and why one of the euphemisms for the penis is ‘package.’ 

That’s why there’s two kind of gifts. There’s the Surprise Gift and the Occasion Gift. The Surprise Gift is a gift you give a girl, when you just start going out, have had a fight or are having an affair and are feeling guilty about it. These gifts are small, inexpensive articles that would not have existed were it not for girls. Think small, cute, soft toy, here.

However the Occasion Gifts are a totally different animal to trap. These are the gifts that require all your skill, concentration and your lucky blue underpants. Occasion Gifts derive their name from the fact that they are presented only on the days which can never remember. The Occasion Gift is defined by the following criteria:

1.  1. It must be expensive. Because the truth is, your love IS as big as your bill.

2.   2. It must hold emotional value. This means it must be thoughtful, cheesy and     anything that makes her go, “awww...”

3.   3.  It must be refundable. For obvious reasons.

Think impossible here.

Research tells us that the difficulty of finding a gift for a woman is a bell shaped curved. It is easy to give a gift to a very young girl and a very old one. Very young girls,(those below 3 weeks old, because girls mature faster) will be happy with a Barbie doll and very old ones(those who took part in the revolt of 1857 and older) usually appreciate getting a dialysis machine. Its the middle ones who pose the problem.

Although, The Female Mind, is a complex system which is wired with the sole intention of being indecipherable to men, contemporary research has shown that women actually drop more hints about what they want than a young, limping antelope holding a placard that says, “EAT ME.” does about being eaten. Unfortunately to understand these hints requires a mysterious skill that men just don’t possess; that of listening. 

Woman: I want to go dancing. I really want to do it badly. I wonder if someone will take me to that new disco on our anniversary.

What the man hears: blah, blah, blah. I really want to do it badly. Blah, blah, blah.  “Darling this is no time to get frisky. Am still thinking of your gift, you know.”

I hope this comprehensive study helped some clueless men out there. In case it didn’t, at least you learnt to make sure that your gift isn’t like the time you spent reading this article: Non-refundable.

  

The Hot Strip by Tanzania!

A celebration of innocence and other young critters.

Children’s day just went by. It was a Sunday, so the kids were spared the torture of listening to their principal using words they didn’t understand about a day that was supposed to be about them. So yes, it had a happy ending.

However this joyous celebration of innocence raised some pertinent questions on childhood, children and the mating habits of pigeons.

Q. What is Children’s Day?

A. The answer is embedded in the question.

Q. Why is Children’s day celebrated on Pandit Nehru’s birthday i.e. The 14^th of November?

A. According to legend, Children’s Day is celebrated in India because the first prime minister of the country Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru wanted to capture the youth votebank. ‘Catch them young’ were his noble words in relation to this festival. Either that, or the fact that he was genuinely fond of children.

Q. When is it right to have a kid?

A. It is alright to have a kid when you find the perfect partner, one who will stand by you through thick and thin trying to ensure that your weight doesn't keep fluctuating like that, and when you reach a level of financial security.

It is also right to have a kid if you look like this couple and you want to bind your hot wife in a loveless marriage, for the sake of little Rahul.

This picture is for representational purposes only.

Q. When do you grow up?

A. Technically speaking, one grows up when he or she can take full responsibility for his or her actions, contribute to society and lead a fulfilling life. Failing which, you grow up to be a rockstar, in a mental institution or Salman Khan.

P.S. Growing up is the difference between being child-like and childish.

Q. What do you do when puberty hits you?

A. You hit back. Depending on your gender, you can do this by buying a razor or a bra. In some cases both.

Q. What do you do when it doesn't hit you?

A. Again, depending on your gender, you can cover up your lack of puberty by using a false moustache or a couple of oranges.

Q. Who celebrates Children’s day?

A. This wondrously cute day, is celebrated by everyone. Everyone here stands for teachers who want a day away from the little monsters, the top management of Archie’s greeting cards and that old creepy uncle who keeps asking you if you would like to eat his chocolate in the back of his van.  

Q. When do you outgrow Horlicks?

A. The day you are asked if someone in your immediate family married a giraffe, when you can walk upright like a human being even with your 70 tonne schoolbag on your back and can spell your name with a 70% accuracy, is the day you won’t need to be any more taller, stronger or sharper.

Q. Do kids have a lot more pressure now?

A. The pressure has most definitely increased over the years. Studies show this primarily because  of a significant change in children’s diet. A gradual shift toward chocolates, ruffle lays and any other edible substance that guarantees ‘0% transfats’ has lead to a slight increase in pressure over the years. In fact experts agree that Balika Vadhu, Chote Ustaad and Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Lil Champs, are not helping the situation.

Q. What about the mating habits of pigeons?

A. Pigeon pairs are monogamous, often breeding in consecutive seasons for as long as both birds of a pair live. Most will attempt to raise several broods each year. Sometimes as many as four or five broods will be raised in a single year.

All questions carry 10 marks, failing this test, will ensure that your future resembles a gruesome car accident. Happy Children’s day. 

The Hot Strip ........ By Tanzania