(in the last episode you saw a baby girl being born in the Taklampanchi family. They kept her name Champi)
Aur Ab Aage(AAA)....
The Baby is already 1 month old. We apologize to the viewers, that they didn’t get to see the growing up of Champi as she burped, gurgled, breast-fed and cried her way to being one month old.
The poor Taklampanchi family have got their family friend Pandit Rushimuni to have a look at Champi’s kundali.
The Pandit holds it up and begins reading the kundali.
“very bad!” he says
“what?” asks Bhau Taklampanchi
“this girl is as unlucky as a car going down the ghats without any brakes.”
Bhau: hmpff.
Pandit:And if she doesn’t get married by the age of 8, she will turn into a statue made of hardened elephant shit.
And so the pandit showed what an old-fangled, regressive, son of a bitch-pig he was. Especially one who believed in child marriage.
Bhau: hmpff.... Is that it?(As angry as a polar bear.)
Pandit: no. She will marry a man who will lay an egg!
Bhau: WHAT? Ok... now you’re fucking with me!
Pandit: No. And she will be miserable in her marriage. Her In-laws will treat her like America treated Saddam Hussein.
Bhau: ALL RIGHT!... THAT’S IT!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!(Fetches 18th century shotgun which he hides under the sofa and points at the pandit)
(to see life screwing around with Champi some more, tune in next time!)
Tiger Woods, Great Golfer and Reformed Sex Addict
I have Mixed emotions when it comes to discussing Tiger Woods. I feel bad for the fact that he got caught sleeping with 21 women and completely wrecked his marriage and caused incomprehensible pain to his wife and family and on the other hand you feel like patting him on the back and congratulating him. He slept with 21 women after all. 21 HOT women at that. Way to go tiger!
I guess you just got too used to playing with your stick and pushing your tiny balls into too many holes. Maybe your over-sexed brain wanted some birdies off the pitch too. You know there is a very fine distinction between a Playboy and a Sportsman. Although they both involve playing something, they are not the same. I guess you just got confused.
Oh yeah and your excuse for getting nailed 21 bloody times is that you are a sex addict. How lame is that? Thats such a nice of saying that you actually have a character and you were only lusting after every woman you could lay your tiger paws on, because you have a psychological problem. That you were addicted to sex. That is the utmost peice of bullshit I have ever heard. According to your cock and bullshit story every human male is mental case. The only psychological problem you might have is your going mad due to your own bullshitiness.
But I must give it to you, its one hell of an excuse:
Police: Tell us! Why did you want to blow up half this city and kill more people than you can count.
Terrorist: Because you dumb freaking idiot, I cant help it. I am just addicted to blowing things up.
Police: Am so sorry we didn’t know you were addicted to blowing things up and you didn’t really mean to blow up half the city and kill more people than you can count. You just couldn’t help doing it. Go ahead your free to go. Make sure you join Terrorist’s Anonymous and come out of rehab a better man
Terrorist: I sure will you dumb freaking gullible ape.
The only real winners in this thing are tiger’s sponsors. They may act all stern and unhappy with the situation but behind the scenes they are literally having orgasms of joy at tiger’s wonderful actions. His actions go so in sync with their taglines, that it’s as if they had it planned all along. Yeah the next I see Tiger Woods the first few thoughts that will strike my head will be Just do it!(Nike), he got The Best a Man Can Get!( Gillete) and going by the gossip columns it truly was Performance Delivered! (Accenture). But apart from these brands he does make for an Excellent Brand Ambassador for any product targeted towards male consumers. Just imagine what a powerful message he gives out if you use him in an advertisement:
“Use this product and you will get to hump 21 hot babes, just like I did!”
Sounds like a good deal to me.
Oh yeah and after he was surrounded in all the negative publicity and made the most fun of since George W. Bush Jr, what does Tiger do? He gives the worlds worst public apology. Atleast when you are apologizing for making love to 21 women, make it sound like you mean it, you idiot. The 5 minute interview that he gave, looked, sounded and felt exactly like what it was, A FREAKING PUBLICITY STUNT DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU LOOK HUMAN AGAIN! In the interview Tiger talks about how much he regrets his behaviour in the tone of a weatherman telling you that it will be a cloudy with a chance of light rain. A blind deaf guy could have known it was fake, you ass!
In that interview Tiger also mentions that one of the main reasons for him having such a wild time with 21 hot women is that he lost his mind because he stopped meditating. And although I agree that meditating soothes the mind and has the ability to control the beastly Tiger in all of us, I refuse to believe that Tiger Woods suddenly became a woman-eating, sexually hungry, immoral love-cheat just because he forgot to shut his eyes while thinking of peaceful thoughts and focusing on his breathing, for some time.
Regardless of all his off-field indulgences Tiger is still the best thing to happen to golf and is still a great player. I hope he lets his winning do the talking when he plays this week. Let’s hope that Tiger can find his way out of the woods...
We Love you Mr. Joins-every-goddamn-group/fanpage-on-facebook guy. Yes we are talking about the very same guy who keeps coming in your news feeds on facebook every five minutes with messages like Mr. Joins-every-goddamn-group/fanpage-on-facebook guy has join the group “Farting is more fun than burping” and 303 other such groups.
This guy is a rampaging wild bison when it comes to joing random stupid and utterly nonsensical groups and fanpages on facebook. Let him loose and he will join more groups and fanpages in 5 minutes than there are stars in the sky.
Sometimes you actually think that maybe he really believes that he is joining but the truth is he DOESNT! Infact he doesn’t even have the brains to understand the names of half the groups he is joining! For example ‘thermo aitoloakarnanias’
Infact he is so singularly obsessed with joining groups that he will jump onto every group or fanpage request you send him. That is why he will found supporting two groups that are as different from each other as a fart and a bottle of perfume. For example he will join the MAN UTD FANS AGAINST CHELSHIT group and the very next moment you see him part of CHELSEA FANS AGAINST MANCHESTHAIR UNITURD! He will also join groups like I LOVE PEACE! And F*CK PEACE, MAKE WAR! And of course I LOVE MEN and I LOVE WOMEN, which kind of gives out mixed signals.
He will also be jobless enough to join absolutely rubbish groups like, “WE LOVE ARGENTINIAN MUSIC!” (ya right, I bet he doesn’t even know if it exist. Even Argentinians don’t know it exists), “WE LOVE SCRUBBING OUR ARMPITS”(too much detail don’t you think?) and “WE LIKE LIKING THINGS” (enough said)
If he ever was an animal he’d probably be one of those stupid dumb herd animals who just keep roaming around together in huge GROUPS and just stare stupidly at you while farting, eating grass and getting eaten by lions.
Oh yeah and he joins groups just because they have cool funky names and they sound really cool. So he belives that If he joins them, their coolness will be transferred to his jobless ass. That explains why he joined, “Aaaaachoooo! Excuse me I'm just alergic to bullshit.” And “i dont care how old i am.....i still love Tom & Jerry..”(ya it kinda shows). In fact if you send in an invite to join a group like, “JOIN THIS GROUP BECAUSE IT HAS A COOL NAME.” He will actually do ten cartwheels of joy and run around the house screaming, “YAHHHHHOOOO!” before joining.
And you can gauge his stupidity when he joins a groups like, “I used to put fevicol on my palms and later enjoyed peeling it off..” But No matter how many stupid groups he joins, no matter if he joins so many groups that there are no more groups left to join, we love Mr. Joins-every-goddamn-group/fanpage-on facebook guy because without him, groups would have very few people and facebook would have nothing to put in their news feeds.
By Editor Man
Our story starts in the small village, where nothing ever happens, called “Fuckirapur”. The most exciting thing that ever happened in the village was when Chamiya the bar dancer gave birth to a flying squirrel. No one knew who the father was, though it was rumoured be a male flying squirrel. More on that later.
In this village lived an ultra-rich, cruel zamindar family, who owned most of the village and who were really good-looking. They were the Chustia family. But our story is not about them. Its not even about the old couple, who lived in the small hut, at the edge of the village.
We are concerned with the Taklampanchi Family, who were so poor that their family vehicle were shoes. They were poor, criminal untouchables, so they were pretty much socially fucked up.
In their house today a child is being born. Relatives and supporters gather around the large pregnant form of Gunga Devi.
“Push! Push! Push! Go Sachin! Oops.. sorry... Gunga Devi!” they screamed and encouraged.
Bhau Taklampanchi said, just before the birth of the child,
“HIS NAME WILL BE CHAMPAK!” and so he showed what a male chauvinistic son of a bitchpig he was.
And then with a final push the kid came out. Bhau Taklampanchi caught the kid before it flew off the table.
“Where’s his penis?” he thundered.
“uhhh.. Bhau... Its a girl!” said someone and quickly ran away.
“is it?” said Bhau, “In that case her name will be CHAMPI!”
To Be Continued...
(To see how life plays cruel Practical Jokes on champi tune in next time...)
