Interview with a Vampire.

Ever since I entered the large, poorly-lit castle I have been impressed by its owner. The home speaks a lot about the man and seeing the dingy, hideous place I realised it was true. For the man I am going to interview today, goes by the name of Count Vlad Draccula, and who's chief occupation is being a vampire.

Q1. Hello Mr. Draccula.

Ans. Hi.

Q2. How does it feel being a professional vampire?

Ans. Umm.. its a rather dead job, hehe, get it(*wink wink*). On the upside you get to live in a castle like this and sleep in a coffin and get to stay young for a really long time. And of course you get to seduce pretty woman, and then suck their blood, so basically for a person like me, who has fangs and a thirst for blood its a dream job.

Q3. So basically your job is that of a mosquito?

Ans. Look, don’t get me wrong. Just because I suck blood, doesn’t mean am a mosquito.

Q4. Leech?

Ans. No, am not a leech either.

Q5. Alright, how did it feel acting in twilight?

Ans. (frowning) I didn’t act in twilight!

Q6. Of course, sorry, my bad. So tell us something about your love-life, which has been under considerable scrutiny and subject to a lot of rumors....

Ans. I am currently single.

Q7. Your ex-wife has said that while she was married to you, you used to suck her more than she sucked you. Is it true?

Ans. No comments.(frown increasing)

Q8. She also said you enjoyed making love, when she was menstruating, is it true?

Ans. No more relationship questions.

Q9. Can you fly?

Ans. No.(getting pissed)

Q10. You have a habit of turning into a bat. Is it true?

Ans. Yes. Its not a habit, its an ability

Q11. Yes, exactly. what type of bat do you become? A fruit bat?

Ans. No I do not become a fruit bat...(teeth grating)

Q12. Cricket bat?

Ans. NO! A Vampire Bat, you numskull, I become a vampire bat!

Q13. Do you also call yourself Batman?

Ans. NO I DONT!.(clenching fist)

Q14. You stay awake at night and sleep during the day. is that correct?

Ans. yes.

Q15. Is that because you work in a call centre?

Ans. (Hopping with rage) NO. ITS BECAUSE I CANNOT TOLERATE THE SUN! WHY HAVENT YOU DONE ANY HOMEWORK? WHAT RUBBISH QUESTIONS ARE THESE?

Q16. If you cant tolerate the sun, where do you get your vitamin D from?

Ans. GET OUT OF MY CASTLE!!!

Q17. Are your bones weak with vitamin D deficiency?

Ans. (Knife is hurled in interviewers direction)

The interview ended abruptly, after the interviewee turned hostile.

-by Editor Man

The Hot Strip™. . . . BY TANZANIA THS™

How Barcelona, Coriander and Aayush Bhatt ruined my life

My name is Sujoy Bannerjee. In school I came 4^th, lost out on 3^rd place by 2 marks and 1^st place by 4 marks. I ate only homemade food, put oil in my hair, religious wore my pant near my solar plexus and adjusted my specs every 10 minutes. I was very quiet and got the award for being most discipline boy, punctual boy and boy who never missed or bunked school award. In short I was as straight as a natraj 30 cm ruler. Then I went to Rajumal Vidhyadhar college, for engineering.

Now I drink a peg in the morning and a quarter at night, and maybe a bottle in between. Joint family to me means, all my buddies who smoke up with me, the fire brigade is called to our college every 2 days, because I smoke so much. And had it not been for three things... my life would have been soooo different.. sooo boring.... so f***ed up!

Barcelona was the first culprit. I remember the day. Till that day I was still the pious engineering student who wanted to do well academically. That night Manchester united was playing Barcelona in the Champions league final. The only concession I had let into my pious life was that of being a Manchester united fan. So when united lost, I was overcome with misery. I felt that the world had come crashing down upon my tender shoulders. My friends tried to console, to no avail. Finally they brought me a bottle of rum. I had a sip. Then I had a little more. Then I had the whole fucking bottle! Hell yea!!! Thank you Barcelona for introducing to my friends, Johnny walker, peter scotch and of course the old monk!

Coriander was the next culprit. I didn’t know my roommate was a junkie until I accidently smoked up and got so high that the world seemed really far below! You see my friend kept his stash of weed buds in the fridge for some god forsaking reason. That day, I was making soup. I needed coriander. I was tired and sleepy. And to a tired and sleepy man, buds of weed and coriander look the fucking same. So I grabbed a whole handful of weed and dumped it in the pot. Soon the vapours started coming out. I sniffed. It felt good. I sniffed again, and then I took lungfuls of that intoxicating aroma!!! Brinjal soup never smelt this good!!! Now the only powder I use is coke!

Finally comes aayush bhatt. Bhatt is a senior. And I mean very senior. He has failed a record 7 times in the second year, legend has it that he is around 26 years old and is going to get married very soon. He still takes extreme pride in ragging all people younger than him, and that includes every fucking student, and some teachers and peons too. And for some fucked up reason, he took a special interest, in my initiation into the ways of the world.

Aayush Bhatt: idhar aah chut*ye!!!

Me: yes sir..

Aayush: you smoke?

Me: no sir...

Aayush: why not, you dumb fucking asshole?

Me: sir, I don’t like it... (trembling like a leaf in a freaking storm)

Aayush: come here you little dirty skunk(grabbing my head and rubbing knuckles on my scalps) you will smoke, or I shall beat your face in with my hands and pull out your balls and make yoyo’s out of them. You go that?

Me: sir, yes, sir.

Aayush: (taking out a yoyo, me wondering whose unfortunate ball it was) good. I like you. You learn fast and are polite in your speech. Now run along and have a cigarette. No funny business, because I shall be watching you till you have the whole mother fucking thing!

Yes. That’s how my life was ruined or in other words, life happened to me.

Histo-Spark with Pankaj K. Gotte

ok...
All through history, there have been guys who have always gotten the raw end of the deal... Adolf Hitler, Benito Musolini, Rasputin, Che Guevara, Mao Zedong, Osama, Obama.... all these guys are always looked at from the negative point of view... but seriously... maybe we should look at their side of the story... they might have been nice people... what do we know???

Take Hitler for example... He may have been a total asshole when it came to the blitz and he may have killed a couple million jews... but seriously could you blame him??? The man was bitter cause no women would go for him with his square mustache, oily harido and horrible obsession with guns... what he needed was a good hair stylist, but he couldnt even get one of those since he had killed them all...

Dont you just feel sorry for that guy???

Mussolini was just as bad as Hitler, if not worse... I mean, sure this was the guy who introduced Fascism... but just think about the poor guy... He wore his pants so high up that they covered his man boobs and pulled at his crotch... who wants a fashion faux pas like that... and that too in Milan??? and the poor guy had such low self esteem even after capturing the whole of his country that he gave himself the title of "HIS EXCELLENCY, BENITO MUSSOLINI, HEAD OF GOVERNMENT, DUCE OF FASCISM, AND FOUNDER OF THE EMPIRE."... how sad is that... seriously...

Look at the poor guy... such horrible self esteem that he had to stand up higher than everybody else...

Rasputin was one helluva lucky guy while he was alive...he looked like a mix between a scare crow and santa clause which is not good, and yet he got to sleep with the Queen of Russia AND get worshiped by her husband Czar Nicholas... how lucky is that???... but in the end, the poor guy was turned into the villan and people started calling him the mad monk... in efforts to kill him, they poisoned him but he didnt die... so they shot him in the forehead, and then three times in the back when he still didnt die.. i mean seriously.. what a will to live... finally, they beat him up, cut off his... well.. neutered him and then tied him up and threw him in the river... wow... jealousy can really make people go crazy...

His mutilated dead body... so sad...JEALOUSY!!!

Mao was another misunderstood guy... when people hear Mao's name they think red and they think Chinese communist Revolution... but what about the sensitive side of the guy... no one sees that he was actually a sad old man who just wanted to find someone to love... he had bad luck with women from the start... his father arranged his marriage with a girl but later it never happened... he then marries his old professor's daughter (its a wonder how he passed) but she was arrested and killed for being a revolutionary... he started having affairs with young girls and finally found someone whom he thought was the one.. but she turned out to be cuckoo and had to be admitted into a mental hospital... then he married Madame Mao cause he got her pregnant but it turned out that she was a scheming, plotting and conniving woman who was after his money, power and fame and her manipulations finally followed him to the grave.. its so sad, i could almost cry...

The red chair-man... he was in such a bad state that they were only allowed to get a picture of his chair... it looks a bit like him though, doesnt it???

Osama bin laden is a whole new issue too... sure he is a jackass who didnt even teach his pilots how to fly properly, cause they all ended up crashing... and sure he is only the most wanted man in the world.. other than Sallu Bhai... but come on... just imagine how confused he must have been growing up... what with having 24 mothers... here i have trouble with just one and there he had to deal with 24 of which more than half also qualify as his aunts, and cousins... and even worse... just imagine how weird it must have been for him when at least two of his half brothers were also his uncles and another three sisters turned out to be his neices from his dads side and his grandmothers from his mom's side... dealing with something as screwed up as that has got to have some negative affects on his pysche... dont you sympathise soooo much with him, the poor inbred bastard????

This is a rare picture of Osama with one of his inbred brothers/uncle/grandfather/cousin.... Bert bin Laden

Anyways... that was just me giving you guys a new angle to look at history... so dont memorise your textbooks word to word... think... make your brain cells work cause theyre in a coma...
till my next post...

By, Prof. Pankaj K. Gotte BMM, MA, PhD, MPhil, MBBS

News and Olds with Rajcheap Sardesai.

Hello, welcome to the News and Olds and you are with me Rajcheap Sardesai. The News and Olds for the day are :

1. students are protesting against the hike in college fees. They are asking why they should pay more for facilities, “like classrooms, teachers etc.” which they don’t use anyway.

2. New roads and bridges are on the cards. Playing cards, visiting cards and memory cards, because its never going to materialize anyway.

3. Researchers say dogs that bark very often tend to lose their voice. Studies are yet to find out if this applies to politicians.

4. Andy Murray claims that tight underwear was the reason why he lost the austrailian open final. The other big reason he forgot was Roger Federer. Anyway from now on, Murray should be using only Lux Cozy Underwears, because after all, "Yeh Aaram ka Mamla Hai!"

5. Rs. 1013 cr, is the budget allocated for drainage management. That is a lot of money going down the drain.

6. U.S. issues travel alert to its citizens, regarding travel in terror affected places. India meanwhile is assuring visitors that it is a safe country. They are encouraging visitors to come to India and have a blast!

7. Nitish kumar, chief minister of bihar has declared that all land of corrupt officials will be reclaimed by the government. Laloo Prasad yadav has decided to sell all his land and move to a different state. We don’t know why both these news items have appeared together.

This is the news for today, till next time wait for a new tomorrow!

LOVE IN THE TIME OF MALARIA

Kay ho pahunyano!!!

Did my advice to you men work or what??? I got some feedback from readers, but I would appreciate it if you told me your opions on the blog so that everyone can see it....
Anyways, getting back to the point (that wasnt the point btw), there have been soo many questions pouring in from all sides that I had to choose the questions I was going to put up... for those of you whose questions have not been answered today they will be in my next post... ghabroo nako... these questions were my favorites but I will answer your stupid ones later...

1. My Dhobi(washerman) satisfies me more than my husband and I feel like leaving my husband because of this. What should I do????
ANS: Ok... so your Dhobi is good at making your toes curl in pleasure... so what??? I suggest you keep your options open before you leave your husband... I mean, there are many fish in the sea... A carpenter for one would be a great in bed since he knows how to screw VERY tight, with his long screwdriver*wink Wink*... and even a milkman would be good... so what Im trying to say is: Dont just rely on your Dhobi... you never know when he might just wring you out of his life... check out all your options before you file for divorce...

2. My Girlfriend is a neurotic bitch who tries to kill me each time we start makin' out. Because of that I end up with bruises all over and I dont even get what I want. What should I do?
ANS: Hey dude... how do you know that your girlfriend is trying to kill you??? For all you know she may just be so turned on that she wants to rip your head off with her teeth.... there are some horny types like that... Anyways, if your certain that she is trying to kill you and you still want her after that(for what reason, god only knows), then try handcuffing her to the bed... That way you will be saved some pain and things will get kinky...

3.Maushi, Will you marry me??? - Miss Z
ANS: well.. I am very flattered about the proposal and I would have said yes, but I am still married to that old, puckered up, swollen potato... and besides, I am not a Lesbian, so sorry darling, but I will not marry you any time soon...
But hey... Im up for experimenting, so if you wanna, you can swing by and we can have tequila shots and chocolate sauce and all... and see what happenns.. *wink Wink*

AHEM... well... thats all for today... keep reading LOVE IN THE TIME OF MALARIA and feel free to ask any question that is bothering you (on the many facets of lauw.... ooooo....)
Till my next post, just remember...
Lauw thy neighbour and his wife!

By, Lauwandkar Maushi

The Hot Strip™. . . . BY TANZANIA THS™

How To Be The Next SHAHRUKH KHAN?

Today i shall tell you about how "YOU!" yes, you, can be the Next SHAHRUKH KHAN! all you have to do, is read the following carefully and follow them exactly.

firstly,

PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS:

1. Floppy abundance of uncombable hair, which must resemble a shaggy rug, made out of the fur of some poor dead animal.

2. A nose the size of a volleyball.

3. Short height.

4. Dimples as deep as pot holes on mumbai roads, or an elephants ass, whichever is deeper.

THE MOVES AND MOVIES:

Having fulfilled the physical criteria, you are now in the next stage of initiation, to become the next shahrukh Khan.

1. Perform in Circus(T.V. Serial, mind you)

2. Become an evil sinister villain who makes fun of Aamir Khan's wife, Kiran, by saying her name like a goat

3.Continue to say your dialogues like a retarded goat.

4. Act in films like "Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman"

5. Make the most succesful film in Bollywood history, whose name when translated means, "The Heartpeople will take away the Bride". The film will become the longest running film of all time and its songs immortal, so that everytime some roadside romeo whistles, "tujhe dekha toh yeh jaana sanam", your face pops into mind.

6. Make another blockbuster hit, whose name in english means, "Heart is Mad"

7. Finally team up with a gay director and make, "Something, Something is happening" and at 32 you play a 16 year old and pretend as if you are archie andrews.

8. Keep your name Rahul in every movie henceforward.

9. You refuse to come out of the closet and admit that the gay director is your lover though the world knows he designs your clothes and takes your "measurements".

10. Fight with everyone, ranging from Salman to Aamir and even the great BIG B!

11. Get on to TV to show the BiG B whose the Baadshah!

12. Do a 100 million commercials.

13. Own a cricket team that loses every year and say rubbish like, "we are here to enjoy, not win."

14. suddenly after so many years of being called Rahul, you realise, "My Name Is Khan"!

-By Editor Man

5 teeps four loosing wait.

Good day, hi, hello, myself gym instructor Ajatashatru Chandrashekhar Pandey. They ees also calling me ACP, or sometimes even Ajit Pandu. My name ees meaning, “one without the enemies”, and eet ees much true because with

- Biceps 56 cm
- Nape 54 cm
- Waist 92 cm
- Thigh 80 cm
- Weight 132 kg
- Height 186 cm
- Chest 148 cm
- Forearm 45 cm

eet ees little bit difficult to feel about me in wrong way.

I ees not study very high, because I was busy practicing for Mr. Jabalpur contest during 10^th exams. So please pardon the poverty English.

The last time ees give you teeps on how to build your body, today I ees going to give oopposite teeps. That ees 5 teeps to loose wait.

So now I give you teeps:

11.1 Go and live een small African countries:

Eef you go to live een African countries whose annual GDP is less than Mukesh Ambani’s monthly eencome, then automatically your wait is redoocing, because there ees being no food to eet anyway!

22 2 Have won bottle or around 100 goli’s of hajmola after every meal-

eef that doesn’t flush out everything een and around your stomach, nothing will. Many fatty frends of my, weighing more than 150 kgs, ees haaving a bottle of hajmola and ees going to the toylet and ees coming out thin as payper! Waying only 50 kgs! Eet ees miricle! But I ees warning you that toylet may become a leetle messy.

3. .3 Gamble!

Sooner or later, you ees going to loose everything and eess going to say dialogues like, “Mein loot gaya barbaad ho gaya!”(eenglish translation ees, “I ees robbed, I ees ruined!”).Then when you are not haaving money, automatically you ees not getting to eet everything you ees want. You ees not going to order oily restraunt food and spend whatever leetle money that ees left, on packets of lays and kurkures. Instead, you ees going to save money and repay loan and won day get back house and car.

4 Go too jail or hostel-

Both ees equally bad, in food matters. A few months een jail and/ or hostel and you ees coming out thinner than Samsung, ultra-theen, LSEEDEE TV! But if your aims ees to loose wait then do a crime wheech will keep you in jail only for some months. Doo not keel, murder or steel precious diamond frum foreign museum, because then they ees going to keep you in jail, for maybe 2 lifetimes. Jail ees better than hostel because hostel ees being jail with studies... so not gud option...

5.55Get cook frum jail or hostel-

Eef you ees not wanting to go to jail or hostel, then you must do next beast theeng. Hire cook from jail or hostel because they ees going to make same watery food which is high een nutrients that keeping you alive, but so low een taste that your tastebuds ees going to commit suicides! Small joke, when two cooks ees dating peeples is saying, “something ees cooking between those two!” (I ees finding eet very funny!)

Beast of luck.(I hope speeling of luck is coorect. I am confoosed if it is ‘l’ or ‘f’?)

Reegards,

Ajatashatru Chandrashekhar Pandey.

Ajit Pandu.

ACP.

(wheechever you call mee)

The Hot Strip. THS™

Hey Peepul!!!!
Guess what!!!! we have an all new column for you!!!!! Dis is gonna be hillllarioouuuuusss!!!!!!!!! so stay tuned for our weekly comic strip!!!




Created By: Tanzania