Mankind evolved as a Gift for Women.

Right since the dawn of time a question has fogged the minds of men. A question that has never found an accurate answer, just like some other foggy questions (How did the universe come into existence? Is there life after death? And why is it necessary to wear matching socks?) Countless men have tried and failed, thought and got flummoxed, executed and got much of the same, over the immortal question, “What gift should I get my girl?”

Before trying to answer this question, let’s look at the history of the Gift. The gift giving tradition has been traced back to primitive ages where females used this technique to ascertain which male they would mate with, depending on the quality of his gift. Hence the strong, beefy cave-men, who brought back pendants made out of mammoth hair and tyrannosaurus tooth, stood more of a chance with the ladies than the scrawny chaps who thought a cave painting would make for a good gift. In fact, fire was invented as a birthday gift and the wheel so that a man could cart a dead brontosaurus to his woman on their 1^st anniversary.

Unfortunately this unjust tradition has lingered on and millions of men still continue to get yelled at, dumped or are refused sex for years at end, for coming short in the gifts department. Woman swoon over men who have good gift giving capacity. It’s for this same reason that talented men are called gifted and why one of the euphemisms for the penis is ‘package.’ 

That’s why there’s two kind of gifts. There’s the Surprise Gift and the Occasion Gift. The Surprise Gift is a gift you give a girl, when you just start going out, have had a fight or are having an affair and are feeling guilty about it. These gifts are small, inexpensive articles that would not have existed were it not for girls. Think small, cute, soft toy, here.

However the Occasion Gifts are a totally different animal to trap. These are the gifts that require all your skill, concentration and your lucky blue underpants. Occasion Gifts derive their name from the fact that they are presented only on the days which can never remember. The Occasion Gift is defined by the following criteria:

1.  1. It must be expensive. Because the truth is, your love IS as big as your bill.

2.   2. It must hold emotional value. This means it must be thoughtful, cheesy and     anything that makes her go, “awww...”

3.   3.  It must be refundable. For obvious reasons.

Think impossible here.

Research tells us that the difficulty of finding a gift for a woman is a bell shaped curved. It is easy to give a gift to a very young girl and a very old one. Very young girls,(those below 3 weeks old, because girls mature faster) will be happy with a Barbie doll and very old ones(those who took part in the revolt of 1857 and older) usually appreciate getting a dialysis machine. Its the middle ones who pose the problem.

Although, The Female Mind, is a complex system which is wired with the sole intention of being indecipherable to men, contemporary research has shown that women actually drop more hints about what they want than a young, limping antelope holding a placard that says, “EAT ME.” does about being eaten. Unfortunately to understand these hints requires a mysterious skill that men just don’t possess; that of listening. 

Woman: I want to go dancing. I really want to do it badly. I wonder if someone will take me to that new disco on our anniversary.

What the man hears: blah, blah, blah. I really want to do it badly. Blah, blah, blah.  “Darling this is no time to get frisky. Am still thinking of your gift, you know.”

I hope this comprehensive study helped some clueless men out there. In case it didn’t, at least you learnt to make sure that your gift isn’t like the time you spent reading this article: Non-refundable.

  

The Hot Strip by Tanzania!

A celebration of innocence and other young critters.

Children’s day just went by. It was a Sunday, so the kids were spared the torture of listening to their principal using words they didn’t understand about a day that was supposed to be about them. So yes, it had a happy ending.

However this joyous celebration of innocence raised some pertinent questions on childhood, children and the mating habits of pigeons.

Q. What is Children’s Day?

A. The answer is embedded in the question.

Q. Why is Children’s day celebrated on Pandit Nehru’s birthday i.e. The 14^th of November?

A. According to legend, Children’s Day is celebrated in India because the first prime minister of the country Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru wanted to capture the youth votebank. ‘Catch them young’ were his noble words in relation to this festival. Either that, or the fact that he was genuinely fond of children.

Q. When is it right to have a kid?

A. It is alright to have a kid when you find the perfect partner, one who will stand by you through thick and thin trying to ensure that your weight doesn't keep fluctuating like that, and when you reach a level of financial security.

It is also right to have a kid if you look like this couple and you want to bind your hot wife in a loveless marriage, for the sake of little Rahul.

This picture is for representational purposes only.

Q. When do you grow up?

A. Technically speaking, one grows up when he or she can take full responsibility for his or her actions, contribute to society and lead a fulfilling life. Failing which, you grow up to be a rockstar, in a mental institution or Salman Khan.

P.S. Growing up is the difference between being child-like and childish.

Q. What do you do when puberty hits you?

A. You hit back. Depending on your gender, you can do this by buying a razor or a bra. In some cases both.

Q. What do you do when it doesn't hit you?

A. Again, depending on your gender, you can cover up your lack of puberty by using a false moustache or a couple of oranges.

Q. Who celebrates Children’s day?

A. This wondrously cute day, is celebrated by everyone. Everyone here stands for teachers who want a day away from the little monsters, the top management of Archie’s greeting cards and that old creepy uncle who keeps asking you if you would like to eat his chocolate in the back of his van.  

Q. When do you outgrow Horlicks?

A. The day you are asked if someone in your immediate family married a giraffe, when you can walk upright like a human being even with your 70 tonne schoolbag on your back and can spell your name with a 70% accuracy, is the day you won’t need to be any more taller, stronger or sharper.

Q. Do kids have a lot more pressure now?

A. The pressure has most definitely increased over the years. Studies show this primarily because  of a significant change in children’s diet. A gradual shift toward chocolates, ruffle lays and any other edible substance that guarantees ‘0% transfats’ has lead to a slight increase in pressure over the years. In fact experts agree that Balika Vadhu, Chote Ustaad and Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Lil Champs, are not helping the situation.

Q. What about the mating habits of pigeons?

A. Pigeon pairs are monogamous, often breeding in consecutive seasons for as long as both birds of a pair live. Most will attempt to raise several broods each year. Sometimes as many as four or five broods will be raised in a single year.

All questions carry 10 marks, failing this test, will ensure that your future resembles a gruesome car accident. Happy Children’s day. 

The Hot Strip ........ By Tanzania